Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Romantic

E - Everyone

Lost

by Bellarke


 Lost

I feel so lost

We go this way, and that

But we do not know the cost

You make me feel like a tamed house cat

                                 You walk in the door

And I jump around, happy

You make me happy to my core

I don't want to sound sappy

                          But I think that  you are the one for me

You help me to see.

What the future holds for me....


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
119 Reviews


Points: 10789
Reviews: 119

Donate
Mon Nov 05, 2018 11:22 pm
Clairia wrote a review...



Hi there! Arden here to leave you a review!
Let's get started.

I feel so lost
We go this way, and that
But we do not know the cost

I liked this beginning to a certain degree. One thing that I found that kind of threw the poem off pretty quickly was "We go this way, and that". Weren't you talking about yourself just a moment ago? I feel like (I'm assuming) another person was brought in too quickly. I think you should have let your words settle, but it didn't affect the flow much, which is good. The flow of this poem, overall, I actually had little problems with. Nice work.
As for "But we do not know the cause", I actually really liked this. Added just the right amount of mystery to the piece without overdoing it.

You make me feel like tamed house cat

I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. It was a comparison that I didn't love, but that may just be a personal preference. The choice of words threw me off. I think it doesn't follow the rest of the poem very well.
Cats are also usually very reserved creatures as well, are they not? It honestly just didn't feel right to me. Perhaps consider editing that bit?

And I jump around, happy
You make me happy to my core

"Happy" is repeated here, and I felt like that could have been changed. You could have considered removing it from the first line, as such:
"And I jump around
You make me happy to my core"
Or something along those lines. Either that, or you could have replaced one of the happy's with another word, like "joyous" or "thrilled".

I don't want to sound sappy

This seems to have been thrown in just to rhyme with "happy".

But I think that you are the one for me
You help me to see.
What the future holds for me....

This ending left me drifting, which was both good and bad. I did like "What the future holds for me". That was nice.

Overall, good work! There were a few nitpicks that I had, but you did well and you have talent.

Thanks for sharing,

Arden




Bellarke says...


Thank you!!!!



User avatar
304 Reviews


Points: 20007
Reviews: 304

Donate
Mon Nov 05, 2018 8:37 pm
Vulcanite wrote a review...



Hi there @Bellarke I am here to do a review on your poem here. let get in to it.

what is the meaning behind the hole poem
Okay I am not really getting the meaning to this poem, I feel like there is a lot of lines but I am not really shore what all of the lines mean to be honest with you. I hop that you can see what I mean when I say this. I do like this peas of work though just I think it needs a bit more detail or background to it, I must say that some line I just feel like you put it in there just for the sake of riming it.

helping you out a bit

But we do not know the cost

okay this line feels like you just put it there to rime with the first to the second line. also I think that there should be a bit more description here.

You make me feel like a tamed house cat

Okay I am not really shore if you meant to say this line or not, but I no what you mean here, but I do think that one of those words needs to be changed, I will put this in suggestions for you.

And I jump around, happy.

okay so I think that you just missed a little more in happy, so I will put this in suggestions.

Suggestions
1:You make me feel like a tamed cat
2:And I jump around happily
So that is all that I can say about this poem. so keep up the good work here.

@EagleFly out to seek and kill




Bellarke says...


Thank you!!!!



Vulcanite says...


your welcome. :D




Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.
— Henry David Thoreau