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Suffocating

by Bellarke


I am such a fool

to think that my heart would let me free.

Feeling like I am at the bottom of a pool,

the darkness is suffocating me.

I try to claw my way out

only to fall back to the bottom.

I look at the people all around

screaming for 'em.

But the darkness is too much,

making me disappear.

Sadness has me in its clutch,

making my future even more unclear.


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16 Reviews


Points: 270
Reviews: 16

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Sun Jan 27, 2019 10:19 pm
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lukekazey wrote a review...



Hey, Luke here for a review!

I know you already have quite a few reviews on this, but I just felt I could maybe offer a fresh perspective. So, to start with, love your choice of theme and title. Depressing poetry will always be relevant, because unfortunately people are always going to be depressed, and poetry lends itself so well to that emotion. However, because the topic is discussed so often in poetry, each piece should be able to offer a different, new perspective, a different way of conveying that emotion. And unfortunately, to me, your poem lacks a little bit of individuality and originality. I kind of feel like i’ve read it a hundred times before.

One major reason, I feel, for this, is that you stuck to a rhyme scheme. Now, this may just be me getting on my high horse and soapbox again but I hate a rhyme scheme that’s not done well, and frankly, this one was unsuccessful. It was very forced and stilted and made the poem very difficult to read. My main word of advice in this situation is to scrap rhyming. For new poets, rhyme can very easily be a safety crutch, but if you take it out of the equation, your poetry tends to become so much more deep and meaningful. Then, when you’ve mastered a blank verse, start slowing adding back in rhyme. It will be so much more successful, I promise you.

Finally, I have to agree with Liberty in that it feels a little bit unfinished. i’d love to learn more of the reasons for this persons suffocation, the backstory to it all instead of just “I’m suffocating,” which is what the poem is mainly consisting of currently.

Please understand, I mean no offence by anything I’ve written, and I’m not at all saying that your poem doesn’t have any merit. I simply believe that you can do better, and is that not what we’re all striving for?

Keep writing,
Luke




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102 Reviews


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Reviews: 102

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Sun Jan 27, 2019 9:25 pm
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Liberty500 wrote a review...



Hello Bellarke!

This is a great poem! Wait, no, not like "Yay! Wow!" More like "Oh no". But it's depressing good. Am I even making sense?

Anyways, I saw no mistake, or anything of that sort. So you kinda made my job difficult. *chuckle*. At the end when I read that last word "unclear" I was expecting for there to be more. Basically what I'm trying to say is that your poem sounded... incomplete. Maybe you could add a bit more to it. Oh! You could add a second part to this! I dunno. Your poem your choice.

Overall, it was very depressingly good (you know what I mean right?).

Keep on writing! :)

~Liberty500




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15 Reviews


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Sat Jan 26, 2019 10:27 pm
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Banana25 wrote a review...



Hi! Just a quick review for you...
I really like this poem! The first line automatically captured my attention. "I am such a fool/ to think that my heart would let me free." The struggle of mind over matter and trying to battle hard times and stupid feelings is one so many people experience. Don't worry, you're not alone! You are very good at writing poems (i admire that b/c I suck at them :p) and I think you should keep writing! Don't give up on your writing or hope for the future!!

Keep up the good work!
-Banana25




Bellarke says...


Thank you so much. :D



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41 Reviews


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Fri Jan 11, 2019 6:35 pm
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PoTatOe001 wrote a review...



Hey, Bellarke!!! 'Tato here for a review... By the way, hello!!! Haven't heard from you in so long! Okay, time for the review. Anyways, first I want to say, I love the line that says "sadness has me in its clutch, making my future even more unclear." I know what you are going through, and I know that depression sucks. If you need any help, please feel free to pm me and I will be here to listen to you. In the meantime, I have a potato joke for you. "What do you call a baby potato?" When you want to smile, don't think spud... Think tater tot!!! Anyways, great job on this writing piece. I love it! And I hope to read more soon. Have a great day! And happy writings.




Bellarke says...


Thank you. (I smiled before i even read this part..."When you want to smile, don't think spud... ")




You can cut all the flowers, but you cannot stop Spring from coming.
— Pablo Neruda