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No Title

by Bellarke


I show you that I cared,

but you just ran away, scared.

I tried to trust you,

i just didnt know how to.

I wanted to let you in,

but I didnt even know where to begin.

I was scared to tell you the truth.

about the stories from my youth.

I lost all control of my heart,

and you just ripped it all apart.

I let down my walls,

but in the end, you were my downfall.


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100 Reviews


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Wed Nov 27, 2019 2:24 pm
WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey, there! Nice poem! I like the repetitive rhyming. A lot of poems don't have that, but the way you've used it here keeps the reader moving to the end.

As has been mentioned in others' reviews, this is something to which many people can relate. Good job with that.

The last two lines sound a little clunky and awkward. Perhaps you could reword it in some way so it would flow more smoothly. I think it may have to do with the fact that the last line is significantly longer than the preceding one. Anyway, overall it's a nice poem. Keep it up!




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105 Reviews


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Wed Nov 27, 2019 1:15 pm
LZPianoGirl says...



I think a lot of people can relate to this poem and that is awesome. The formatting is wonderful and the wording is great. The poem is very descriptive and you can really feel the seasons. I really liked the ending and think it easily sums up this piece. The fact there is no title is odd, but to be honest it was the thing that brought me to this piece, which is wonderful. Keep on writing poems, I look forward to reading them!




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105 Reviews


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Wed Nov 27, 2019 1:15 pm
LZPianoGirl wrote a review...



I think a lot of people can relate to this poem and that is awesome. The formatting is wonderful and the wording is great. The poem is very descriptive and you can really feel the seasons. I really liked the ending and think it easily sums up this piece. The fact there is no title is odd, but to be honest it was the thing that brought me to this piece, which is wonderful. Keep on writing poems, I look forward to reading them!




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Wed Nov 27, 2019 6:08 am
Anamel wrote a review...



I think this is a poem a lot of people could relate to so that's a plus. The setup of it I know is intentionally in a repetitive scheme although it does get a bit awkward sounding when reading it aloud/in your head. I actually like it not being a story, rather just a pure expression of your feelings at the time. It's genuine and raw. The beginning and the end also relate to one another, yet the ending is more impactful and exaggerated than the beginning which intensifies the emotion that was first described. I don't really have anything to critique here.




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Tue Nov 26, 2019 8:20 pm
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LZPianoGirl says...



I loved it. Keep on writing poems, they are wonderful!




Bellarke says...


Awe. Well thank you.



Bellarke says...


Awe. Well thank you.



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Tue Nov 26, 2019 5:42 pm
Softballgirl333 wrote a review...



Hello Bellarke!

Suggestions.

I like how you kept the AABB rhyme scheme, but some lines feel like they were forced or they just don't flow as well. It is really nice to be able to keep a rhyme scheme, but just know you don't always have to.

Bellarke wrote: I tried to trust you, I just didn't know how to.

This line is an example of one that just doesn't feel like it flows as well as the others. If you are okay with breaking rhyme scheme for this line, the I would suggest just ending the line at "how."

Bellarke wrote: and you just ripped it all apart.

Here the word "Just" is unnecessary, and in fact your line seems to have more impact with out it. The same goes for the word "and." Read through your poem and see what word are unnecessary, it may help your poem flow better and possibly make the emotion more prominent.

I would suggest expanding upon this poem and inserting how it made you feel. What it felt like when he ripped it apart. What did he do in order to hurt you this way? It isn't necessary to do this, but it could lengthen your poem and put more emotion into it. This way it is easier to feel the emotion of the poem and feel what you feel.

My last suggestion would be to check your capitalization and your grammar. You have a missing apostrophe in "didn't"

Overall

Overall, I quite enjoyed this poem and I relate to it to a certain extent. It is a good start and I feel like there is more potential to this poem. Your poem will have more impact without some of the unnecessary words like "and' and "but." Really great job though and I am looking forward to see more of your work.

Happy Writing,
SBG

P.S I realize some of my code is off and I apologize for that. I'll try to figure it out and fix it.

P.P.S I fixed it




Bellarke says...


XD XD Thank you lol.




"Honestly, I think the world is going to end bloody. But it doesn't mean we shouldn't fight. We do have choices."
— Dean Winchester