Watching from a distance,
watching you with her, nothing to lose.
Ignoring the insistence,
of wanting to be in her shoes.
It wasn't so bad,
watching you with her was still new.
I wanted what she had,
and that was you.
But I was just playing a role,
I was to be your friend,
It wasn't supposed to take a tole,
so I had to pretend.
Life was not in my favor,
it was only making me feel so blue.
Those moments I forgot to savor
Laughing, and holding you.
That is a ship that has crashed,
leaving me all alone.
Now there is no past,
and the future is left unknown.
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139,456 Literary Works • 672,568 Reviews
I don't think I understand your view of this poem... it is really nicely written! I believe the idea is of loss, and I could really feel the emotion being portrayed in this poem. I especially felt it in the lines, "I wanted what she had and that was you" and "it wasn't supposed to take a tole so I had to pretend". These combined lines let readers feel the raw emotions of this character, and it's likely something a lot of us can relate to.
The metaphor of using a "ship crash" in the second last stanza is a great comparison for how this character would feel when a true relationship ends.
Well done!
A crapy poem? I don't think so Bellarke
All your poems are amazing!
Just had to put that out there, Lol
Anyway,,, Lets get started
I love this, its not my favorite but its a good one.
I love how you used the term
"That is a ship that has crashed,
leaving me all alone."
That line catches my attention.
I totally can say ending a relationship is like a ship crash. It is totally true, anyway it was my fav line.
I can tell the message here, its strong and I can relate as well.
Its fairly good Bellarke!
idk why you said its crappie but hey, lol
Sincerely Anma
Hello there Bellarke
This is Kostia here to give you a brief review!
First of all this is not bad at all! You shouldn't undemine your work like that. Poets and writers must have confidence, since negative feelings will reflect on your work!
I don't have a lot to say really so I will be quick.
This is nicely structured, your formating looks great. I liked the use of two verse stanzas, it made it more direct and to the point. Your vocabulary choices are very good. I appreciate the use of simple words.
It is emotional and honnest and easy for the reader to relate to. One thing I would work on if I was youis the imagery and maybe I would also work a little on simile and symbolism.
Other thant that this was a fairly good read and I really enjoyed reading it!
Keep writing!
Kostia
Legacy here for a review.
I love the concept that you have here, but the way you display this could be changed. It would be easier to read if you were to have stanza breaks when you go from tangent to tangent (stanza breaks work like a new paragraph in prose).
Also, you could use more imaginative language. I would like to see more metaphors and such (like how you described how the connection between the narrator and the person it is directed to as a ship that has crashed.)
Stronger vocabulary can also help the concept and display. (You know that you can describe this pain that you feel as stronger than blue).
I hope I wasn't too harsh with this review. I just know that this can be elevated to a whole new level. Legacy out.