If you don't want me,
you can just say it.
-
You dont need to spare my feelings,
which are already shattered.
--
I am never gonna give up,
trying to prove my love to you.
---
I am not going to lie,
and say that i hate you now.
----
You deserve the truth,
so I am going to tell you.
-----
You are so beautiful it hurts,
and so smart, i feel dumb.
------
You are the most caring person
that I have ever met.
------
You are the person that I want
to have with me more than anything.
-------
Even if you don't want me,
I am never going to let you let me go.
-------
I am going to hold on,
and love you for as long as I live.
------
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,687 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
Hiya, Bellarke!
I have to say I loved what you did with the line breaks. I saw it at first glance and was curious, but it actually drove the dramatic read as I went through the piece. It helped lengthen those impactful pauses as the piece went on. It's a very clever idea and it really worked for me. I like it a lot!
I feel like I've been rickrolled for some reason...
SO. Overall, I like your piece. The formatting just left a really good impression on me. The piece got increasingly more dramatic, and I really felt it as I read through to the end.
It may be my grammar Nazi, but I feel like there were some needless commas and awkward sentence structure that disrupted the read from time to time. This would require simply a fine-tooth comb after edits are made, so I wouldn't really dive into grammatical issues until you think the piece is ready. I did notice it though. I had to reread a couple couplets (teehee) to understand what was being said.
The middle also felt a little weak. Revising some of those couplets, the ones that are simply raining compliments on the subject, felt almost too simple and not as thought-provoking as the beginning or end. Maybe a sprinkle of imagery, a vocabulary change, or a small rewrite just to help add to the dramatic finish your piece could potentially have.
I do like the determination of the speaker as it ended. The speaker has such a strong personality, and I feel like the poem could really use that better to get its message across with a little more oomf.
Overall though, I'm rather pleased with the piece. Well done!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
I loved this poem. It's one of the first on here that has a good flow and not a lot of mistakes. The format in which it is presented is also cool to look at and draws in the attention of the reader. I could feel emotion in this and it felt very raw and sincere. The only thing I really noticed is where you put that your feelings are already shattered. It's not bad or anything but I think you might wanna use a better adjective that corresponds to feelings because shattered, sounds more like an object and less like emotions but in a way it works its just a little iffy to me. The ending is great which is very rare on this app. The ending is supposed to be the best line with meaning that ties the poem in and its rare to find a poem with a perfect ending but this one definently has one.