((Okay..... This is the first serious poem that I have ever wrote. Please be easy on the comments or replies. But please do give me some feedback.))
You will die
There would be nowhere to hide
There is only heaven of hell
You will get no reply
You will have to chose a side
You should say farewell
I cannot tell you why
But your choice will be implied
After you chose, you cannot act like a rebel
So you must try
Or you shall be denied
And dishevel.
You have died.
So how was the ride???
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Discreet me out a lot, which is good for the feeling of this poem because at least all poems have to have some feeling into it so that the reader can imagine what's going to be like. At the same time I really think you should Mark this as 16 +for language because it has some words that kids under 12 should not be reading. Besides that, I think you would need to put some periods so that the poem will not be a total run-on sentence.
Besides that, why not put some stanzas, just a suggestion.
Okay so everything's good for now. Bye.
Heyo Bellarke!
Liberty500 is here to drop off a review for you!
Let's get straight to it! First of all, the beginning was scary and the ending just closed the poem perfectly, I really enjoyed it.
In the fifth sentence: "You will have to chose a side" the word "chose" is meant to be "choose". Same with the ninth sentence the word "chose" must be changed into a "choose". Another thing, what's dishevel? Whatever it means it sounds very complicated and it doesn't really sound right in the poem, ya know what I mean? Hope I make sense. Also, in the end the three question marks weren't really necessary. One question mark would've been fine. But, if you like having three question marks at the end, that's perfectly fine.
Keep on writing!
~Liberty500
The commentary on the poem has a grammatical error.
It should be I have ever "written" not "wrote".
It is "you will have to choose a side" not "chose a side."
It's "After you have "chosen".... not "After you have "chose"....
The word "dishevel" will likely confuse most readers here.
Also the word doesn't seem to make sense in the context because it is in the present tense while "will be"" is in the future tense. Making it a future tense would fix that.
Heaven [or] hell makes more sense. Otherwise it means that heaven is part of hell.
thank you.
Its great that you've thought to try something new! You can only get better when practicing diversity in style and genre!
While I do admire your bravery in jumping headfirst into poetry, this piece does need some work. Some ground rules first. It's always good to delve into description (to an extent of course.) Your poem is quite vague. To be blunt, there are little to no distinguishable themes. This is OK! Your just beginning your journey into poetry!
What you should be thinking about in your next poem is how to outline some themes and how to use descriptive language to emphasize those themes. A great way to do this would be to first list a couple things you want to write about. This could be nearly anything. This being done, you then want to write in the bones of the poem, a few simple lines that reflect your themes. The final step would be to add description to said theme using descriptive language such as metaphors, similes, analogies, etc.
Thank you This is some great tips!
Hi there ThatGreekyGirl I am here to say that, I really like this, I feel like the hole thing ties to gather really well, so that is all, keep up on that good work.
From @MoonFlower
Thank you very much
Legacy here for the review.
Your poem was very distracting because of your use of ellipsis. It makes your poem feel very slow and not confident at all. Your rhyming is nice, but sometimes it feels like it is forced (a nice way to fix this is to read it aloud and see where you start to trip up). Also, I personally feel like you should have some stanza breaks. I usually put a stanza break in when I start to talk about a new aspect of the main idea.
I do like the idea that you have here too, but your poem would be stronger with some more figurative language (similes, metaphors, personification, etc.) Hopefully I wasn't too harsh and was helpful. Keep writing and Legacy out.
It was not harsh at all. It was very helpful. Thank you!!
You're welcome. You just asked for a nice review and sometimes I'm not good at those
Well it was great. It was very helpful to me. AND IT MADE IT INTO THE SPOTLIGHT I AM SO HAPPY, SURPRISED BUT HAPPY!!!
Go you hun, go you.
I have had a couple of mine hit the spotlight throughout my time on here too
I have saw some, just never had time to check em out. I will check some out when I have the time.
Huh. Quite unique, that's for sure.
First things first, the rhyme scheme seems to be as follows. Please correct me if I'm wrong,
"ABCABCABcABCaB" where lowercase letters aren't exact rhymes.
It's a rhyme scheme I don't see often. In fact, I've never seen it before! It's very subtle, but still noticeable. While I wouldn't personally choose it for a deep topic like death, it still sounds quite alright to me!
The meter doesn't seem set. As in, I can't really read any sort of meter from your work. Meter's not necessary, but it's a personal preference of mine. No big deal though.
One thing you ought to remove is the ellipsis at the end of every line. It's not really necessary and I think normal punctuation would be more fitting. Same for the end. One question mark is enough.
There are a few words and phrases I'm a tad confused by. "Heaven of hell" is one such phrase. What do you mean by this? Do you mean to imply that there is no difference, and that both heaven and hell are, in fact, one and the same thing, if looked at from a broader perspective? If so, that's quite an interesting and, may I say, very deep idea you're conveying!
I also don't understand what you mean by "your choice will be implied."
Other than that, the topic's fine. Quite dark. I enjoy darker themes in poetry. After all, poetry's great at expressing extremes. I enjoy the fact that you used a set rhyme scheme. That's a rarity nowadays, it seems, since everyone is moving to free verse, and by God, I do not understand why.
So there you go! That's that. Thanks for your work, I enjoyed reading and reviewing it.
Good luck!
Kind regards,
Herr Schweinehund
Thank you. I was super bored when I was writing it. I am very surprised that It got 2 reviews in such a short time period. An thank you for pointing out the rhyme mistakes.
No no, worry not, those are not mistakes. Non-exact rhymes are by no means a mistake.
Keep at it, good luck!
Thank you very much!!
I have not really wrote poetry like this before, so i tried.
Poetry is hard. Very hard. But it's good to keep going, keep writing and gaining experience.
Solid for a first attempt. Next time, you'll fare even better.