Someone please take my pain,
and let it get cleaned away by the rain.
Hidden under all the fake smiles, and "I am fines,"
my sadness cries,
wanting to be let out.
To make her hurt,
like she has made me hurt.
I push it down, because it is not fair to her.
I need to get away,
to leave this life behind.
I need someone to love me,
not use me as she did.
To have true feelings for me,
to care enough to stay...
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140,681 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Hey Bellarke!
This is a fairly decent poem, I like the slight rhyme scheme, and then the story interweaved in it that had a bit of depth.
I understood the meaning to be that the speaker is feeling very hurt by this girl, and is reflecting all the ways the girl wronged her - by hurting her. The speaker even feels like taking revenge on this girl, and hopes to eventually find love. It's an interesting concept mainly in that I don't see a lot of revenge themed poetry - or even that much poetry that tackles the anger side of the end of relationships, so I liked that you weren't afraid to dig into that.
I have a few critiques and suggestions!
Formatting
The poem would look cleaner if you didn't have a space between the first and second line. I also thought the opening line was rather generic compared to the rest of the poem (your second poem was much stronger). I didn't care much for the "ellipses" at the end (...) because it seemed to be without meaning, so again just served to make the poem look less clean.
Emotional Content
I think your poem would be stronger if you strayed away from sort of generic emotion words like "hurt" and "sadness" and "true feelings" - or at least tried to limit them, because they end up not saying all that much, or really digging into the emotional layers - if you could find a more specific word or a metaphor to express some of them it'd make the poem stronger.
Flow
Overall I thought the light rhyming and assonance approved the poem's I think this line did not work for phrasing or flow though "Hidden under all the fake smiles, and "I am fines,""
To be grammatically correct I think it'd be "I am fine"s -- but it's just honestly a bit awkward. If there's anyway to change it so that 'fines' isn't plural I think it'd help out the readability of that stanza.
That's all I had! Nice work here! I look forward to reading another one of your poems soon.
~alliyah
Thanks!
Hey!
Here for a review and if you ever need anything feel free to send me a message.
Right off the bat I love this poem because one of my favorite images to create is a cleansing rain, classic and often cliche, but can still be well written.
The third stanza has me confused. i thought the main character wanted "her" to hurt just as she has made them hurt, but them they just push everything deep down inside because they didn't think it was fair to her. If they wanted to hurt her they wouldn't care about what was fair for her.
The ending is kind of bare and at first I almost missed the message. Is it saying that life is only worth living if the main character can find someone to truly love them? Or are they just wanting to be someone different to find love? Or they are just hurt after a breakup and are moping?
This was short, simple, and to the point, easy on the eyes.
Thanks for the read,
Rascalover
thank you!!
This was so sadd!!!!