Small children on the side of the road
playing with a paper boat
in the pouring rain.
An old man on the side of the road,
holding a 'will work for food' sign
and wearing raggedy old clothes
A mother holding her dead baby
in her thin, frail arms,tears streak down her face
as the doctors take the child away from the small mother
A married couple at the doctors office
as they are told they cannot make children.
The doctor's sad eyes only make them cry more....
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139,456 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
This is just... Sad!
I am good at sad.
This is just... Sad!
Hey Bellarke,
I don't know what to say , brilliant stuff. Very heart touching and sad but amazing and beautiful too . The way you describe it , the doctor , the couple , very amazing . You have made it easy to understand for everyone who read.
Hope you keep on going like this to the very top. Very intreasting .
Any other kind of poetries did you written ?
I honestly just write poetry when i am sad, and depressed....they are all on the side up there.
I understand %u263A.
You can also visit my profile if you want , just one poem yet .
Helloooooo, im here to reviewwww! Okay so I think your poem is both heartbreaking and amazing at the same time. (Never thought i'd put those words in the same sentence!) I think it has a very profound meaning and I can't think of anything I would like to change. I really like the way you worded it and the way you did the spacing. This is honestly a great poem!
Thank you!!!
Hey Bellarke ! JHG here for a review....
At first glance I wasn't too excited to read this. Let's be honest...this site especially is over-saturated with poetry, much of it a similar genre/feel as yours. A common thread, people these days tend to be not so happy with their lives. Often it's the same vibe that you get and I tend to feel as if we are the wrists and their poetry the knife's blade, if you get my metaphor. Certainly not demeaning what it may mean to them or others, of course, I was pleasantly surprised that this did not carry the same tone as most you find floating around. It's a much more...natural and practical approach. Hopefully I can do it justice in this review. So let's get the bookkeeping items out of the way first!
Spoiler
On a similar note, your usage of commas is a bit sporadic as well, for example
Here you have placed a comma at the end of the first line, even though this is all technically one unbroken thought, just as it is in the previous stanza. A bit of cleaning seems to be in order.
Beyond this it's a poem, so the structure is so much more about style than it is about following rules. I would say it's interesting the way that you have the first three stanzas blocked together with first line indents, but the fourth separated. Some purpose to it, I suppose?
Spoiler
The beauty of it is in the fact that you did not make this about any one character. If you had, we would be tempted to laugh or mock or perhaps be annoyed by yet another 'depressing' poem about someone's terrible life. Here tho we are able to instead review the general state of what it is to be sad through the eyes of several different people. It makes for a much deeper connection, and a much more relatable message.
Also appreciated the last line, We are asked to view things from a third person perspective, yet this line gives us a chance to observe the observer, which is a rare treat.
Spoiler
In nearly all forms and styles of writing, a major mistake we make is that in our endeavors to commit feelings to paper, we actually end up saying less with more, whereas the proper writing model and skill is to do the opposite, that is, say more with less. Our choice of words and syntax are of utmost importance.
The above line is good, conveys the concept that the mother is not only sad because of the loss of her child, but now to complicate the matter her dead infant is being stolen away from her. There are some useless words in there though, namely 'from the small mother.' They do not add nor build to the story, rather they simply reiterate what we already know; that she is the mother. I find great success in doing proofreads and challenging myself to take out every word possible, reducing my word count to as low as possible. Forces you to either use more difficult, meaningful words, or to simply simplify your piece.
And second I would have liked to see a stronger stretch or effort-if you will-at using a deeper form of language. The simplistic nature of the poem is a powerful aid in keeping such a desperately depressing topic and set of stories from becoming to burdening. What I don't see is those powerful moments that really lend a strong voice or intimate moment to the reader.
In poetry you simply don't have the space to truly involve your readers and force them to care enough about the characters involved, rather you're goal is to impact them in a few, short sentences by carefully hand-picking words that mean something more than just what they read out as. An example: we often use the word 'angry', and to express an increased anger we may say 'very angry' or 'extremely angry.' While we understand that there is a greater amount of this so called 'anger,' we do not understand the true feeling behind it. Words such as 'rage,' 'infuriated,' or 'exasperation' all convey a different level, and even a different style of anger. We gain a true understanding and are able to make a poignant, if not short, connection with the character themselves.
I feel that this poem would benefit greatly from a little boosting in the language department.
Spoiler
Thank you! I also love the setup of this! Its neat!!
Hi Bella rke,
it's a sweet and beautiful work. having a deep meaning and emotions making the poem beauty.
the first stanza gives a sweetness feeling of kids. even, it's a story of poverty, i feel it's also a story of joy and happiness.
but you have well described all the painful and teary stories of different persons.
lovable sequence of all the stories. keep writing.
Thank you!
This is good!
Now I would change the formatting a bit, like have go side to side:
"A mother holding her dead baby
In her thin, frail arms, tears streak down her face."
"A married couple
At the doctors.."
etc.
That makes the reader feel the depth of this poem more.
Again, great poem!
Sorry that I don't have more to say!
Its fine! Thank you!!!