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12+

Better Off

by Bellarke


Crying silently,

hiding behind a mask.
--
Watching from afar,

as you walk away from me.
--
Never thinking of my future,

I run head first into the present.

--

I am breaking inside,

because I love you. 

--

Running from the truth 

sitting right in front of me.

--

Watching you as 

you smile, and laugh with them.

--

And I smile as I think

that you can do so much better without me.

--

You make me think about,

how the world will be for you, minus me. 


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Points: 95
Reviews: 18

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Sun Apr 14, 2019 2:33 am
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brookeallo wrote a review...



I liked the idea that the poem was expressing. The different sections seemed to monitor different moments that occured which went well with the feeling from watching from afar. It also seemed as if the poem adressed a feeling that a lot of people go through which is thinking about what could happen and if someone might leave how things would be different and one might fear that someone will leave. I overall liked it if anything I wish the stanzas could flow a little more but it was really good and easy to connect emotions and feelings to. Thankyou so much for writing and I hope to read more work from you soon.




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8 Reviews


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Reviews: 8

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Fri Apr 12, 2019 4:11 am
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Shakiraislam wrote a review...



Hi.
Omg I love the poem. I don't know if you're 18+ or less. But he'll yeah that's awesome. I kinda feel the sadness because I've been through this phase and I'm in love. I've never written a review before. I'm writing now. Because you expressed it so well. I'm hoping to get many ideas from you hope you don't mind.




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71 Reviews


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Fri Apr 12, 2019 12:04 am
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FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

This is a nicely-written poem! I could feel all the emotion of heartbreak conveyed from this, so you did a great job on that. You focused well on the true feelings of this character... and I like the last lines - "You make me think about how the world will be for you, minus me" - because it kind of shows that the main character still cares so much for the other person.

I think there are two stanzas that are misplaced... and this kind of disrupts the flow. I would suggest switching the 4th and 5th stanza... I think this would enhance it more and give it a greater meaning. By switching, the lines would become "Running from the truth sitting right in front of me... I am breaking inside because I love you." This would then show that the "truth" is that she loves him. Without switching, it feels like the 5th stanza is kind of randomly placed there. But, that's just my opinion.

Anyway, this is a really great read!




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5 Reviews


Points: 194
Reviews: 5

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Thu Apr 11, 2019 3:32 pm
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littleyellowkuma wrote a review...



Hi,

I think that if you elaborated on the mask idea it would make the poem more dynamic. If you mention it, especially in the opening of your poem, I think it's important that you incorporate it in the rest of the poem. Another thing would be more specific detail to really entrance the reader in your writing. As it is right now, it's a little distance from the subject. Make it more transparent. The details of how you watch, how THEY smile, how they laugh make it so much juicier of a poem. Like how does the fact that you run head first into things affect your relationship with them, and potentially yourself. I would focus on elaborating and enhancing.

Keep striving for greatness! (:
-K u m a
(I didn't post the first one as a review ): )




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93 Reviews


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Thu Apr 11, 2019 3:26 pm
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4revgreen wrote a review...



Hey, Che here for a quick review :-)

First of all, I can really feel the heartache practically bleeding out of this poem. It was honestly really sad and you did a really great job at portraying that in a pretty short poem!

I liked the structure and form of the poem, too. It was pretty refreshing, as most poems tend to have stanzas at least four lines long so I liked the two lines!

The only little nit-pick I have is that in the last two stanzas, the second line of each is pretty long compared to the first line, and the previous stanzas. It disrupted the flow just a little bit, but didn't make that much of an impact overall.

Keep writing!

Regard, Che




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5 Reviews


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Reviews: 5

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Thu Apr 11, 2019 3:20 pm
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Hi,

I think that if you elaborated on the mask idea it would make the poem more dynamic. If you mention it, especially in the opening of your poem, I think it's important that you incorporate it in the rest of the poem. Another thing would be more specific detail to really entrance the reader in your writing. As it is right now, it's a little distance from the subject. Make it more transparent. The details of how you watch, how THEY smile, how they laugh make it so much juicier of a poem. Like how does the fact that you run head first into things affect your relationship with them, and potentially yourself. I would focus on elaborating and enhancing.

Keep striving for greatness! (:
-K u m a





I was weeping as much for him as her; we do sometimes pity creatures that have none of the feeling either for themselves or others.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights