Hi, @Bellarke! Hope you bear with me as I'm just dusting off the ol' reviewing gears, but let's get right to it!
I think the strength of this piece is that it's short and impactful. Even shorter works like this can be hard-hitting and can evoke emotion in others, just as well as longer or more flowery pieces.
Another one of the strengths of this poem is that it can speak to a lot of people. Everyone experiences heartbreak in their life, and that's something that everyone has to work through and deal with at some point. This just means that they can relate to your poem and feel its emotions even deeper.
However, I think that some of the impact is lost in the more apathetic tone that has been taken here. There's not really a sense of conclusion to this poem. While "lying" seems to be the common theme and it's fairly easy to read the story along with this piece, there's nothing deeper in it, and it feels superficial. I think that some of the spacing is the problem. You don't allow the readers to breathe and really feel their emotions, and feel the significance of what you're saying.
Experimenting with pace and wording is an easy fix for this. Try longer, flowing sentences that can build up just like a relationship can, and then try shorter, more direct sentences that are cutting, just like a heartbreak is. Experiment with what feels right and more artistic to you. Take liberties, etc, etc, etc.
Another problem is that this piece feels relatively superficial. As I mentioned before, it's something that everyone can relate to, but after the first read, it does really lose its punch. Going deeper with your words, and your story might help. Drawing deep from your own experiences- even if they aren't related to romance, or love- can help as well.
My very last critique is some grammar issues that I see have already been pointed out by @SuperOriginalName! There was one more: "Because the truth is you buried yourself in my heart so deep your almost an artery." Aside from the structure of the sentence, it should be 'you're', as in 'you are almost an artery'.
Overall, this is a good piece! Three out of five Jeff Goldblums. Wish you all the love ever, Bandit <3
Points: 594
Reviews: 24
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