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by Bellarke

I wasn't lying when I said that I care.

I wasn't lying when I told you that I would trust you.

But I did lie when I said I was through. Because the truth is you buried yourself in my heart so deep your almost an artery.

I never lied to you about how I felt.

You hurt me beyond repair when you said you fell for him. 

I lied. I lied when I told you that its okay, that I will move forward.

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24 Reviews

Points: 594
Reviews: 24

Fri Oct 18, 2019 1:59 am
TheMarauderBandit wrote a review...

Hi, @Bellarke! Hope you bear with me as I'm just dusting off the ol' reviewing gears, but let's get right to it!

I think the strength of this piece is that it's short and impactful. Even shorter works like this can be hard-hitting and can evoke emotion in others, just as well as longer or more flowery pieces.

Another one of the strengths of this poem is that it can speak to a lot of people. Everyone experiences heartbreak in their life, and that's something that everyone has to work through and deal with at some point. This just means that they can relate to your poem and feel its emotions even deeper.

However, I think that some of the impact is lost in the more apathetic tone that has been taken here. There's not really a sense of conclusion to this poem. While "lying" seems to be the common theme and it's fairly easy to read the story along with this piece, there's nothing deeper in it, and it feels superficial. I think that some of the spacing is the problem. You don't allow the readers to breathe and really feel their emotions, and feel the significance of what you're saying.

Experimenting with pace and wording is an easy fix for this. Try longer, flowing sentences that can build up just like a relationship can, and then try shorter, more direct sentences that are cutting, just like a heartbreak is. Experiment with what feels right and more artistic to you. Take liberties, etc, etc, etc.

Another problem is that this piece feels relatively superficial. As I mentioned before, it's something that everyone can relate to, but after the first read, it does really lose its punch. Going deeper with your words, and your story might help. Drawing deep from your own experiences- even if they aren't related to romance, or love- can help as well.

My very last critique is some grammar issues that I see have already been pointed out by @SuperOriginalName! There was one more: "Because the truth is you buried yourself in my heart so deep your almost an artery." Aside from the structure of the sentence, it should be 'you're', as in 'you are almost an artery'.

Overall, this is a good piece! Three out of five Jeff Goldblums. Wish you all the love ever, Bandit <3

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16 Reviews

Points: 617
Reviews: 16

Mon Oct 14, 2019 9:28 pm
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SuperOriginalName wrote a review...

Hi there, @Bellarke! It is I, @SuperOriginalName here with a review of your amazing work. Shall we begin?

This is a very good poem. I really enjoyed reading it! If this is what you're going through at the moment, I am very sorry, and I hope you get back on track soon. However, this is a review that I hope will help you improve your writing. Below is a list of things that I noticed while reading, but keep in mind these are all my opinion, and you do not have to obey any of the suggestions made, if you do not choose to.

1) Grammer
I only noticed two different mistakes in grammar (correct me if I'm wrong), so let me tell you what I saw, and explain how you could do better in the future.

The first thing that I noticed, was the first word of the third sentence. The third sentence is, "But I did lie when I said I was through." Now, I don't know if you were taught this, but a sentence should never begin with "but," unless if it is absolutely necessary. What I do, is either not make new sentence at all (and replace the previous period with a comma, or nothing at all), or replace the word "but," with however, or something other than that. Another tip is, never start a sentence with "and." My English teacher last year said to just cut the "and" out altogether. Don't ask me why we're unable to start a sentence with "and" or "but," just know not to do it next time.

Another typo that I noticed is that in the very last line, "I lied when I told you that its okay, that I will move forward", where "its" should be spelled "it's." "Its" is when your talking about something's possession, for example, "Your dog's really cute! What's ITS name?" However, "it's" is a shorter way of saying "it is." For example, "My dog's name? IT'S Charlie." You see, that sentence could meant the same thing if you change the "it's" in the sentence, to "it is."

2) Layout
The layout of your poem is very good, and I like it. Yet, the main part of a poem that makes, well.. a poem, is the layout and how it looks.

In this poem, however, it did not have any visual stanzas. Maybe I'm just a neat freak, but I like it when between each stanza there is something separating them. Like a little ''~,'' or "※," just to give it a nice touch, you know?

Overall, this was a very nice poem to read, and I would be surprised if it gets put onto the Literary Spotlight. I hope I wasn't too harsh in this review, and that you can use the previous statements made in the future. As always,
Keep writing!


See? What did I tell you? Look on the Literary Spotlight!

Bellarke says...

XD XD Thank you :)

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45 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 45

Mon Oct 14, 2019 3:50 pm
potatoefry2001 says...

I'm so sorry.

Bellarke says...

Its okay. Honestly. I dunno what I wrote this for i was just bored.

But like all lower back tattoos, it is deeply flawed.
— Bill Nye