Published July 15, 2022
Emerald paused, glancing over her wing.
“I can help,” Zoltar said hurriedly, not thinking.
Emerald cocked her head, giving him a confused look, “What?”
‘What are you doing?’ His mind screamed. He hadn’t thought this through. What was he even going to say? He couldn’t just tell her everything. What would she think, knowing that he’d been willing to wipe out her tribe for the sake of his? He couldn’t say that.
But what was he going to do? He couldn’t really get out of this now and besides, this might work in his favour. With her help, he might be able to get the gem. Not only that, both tribes could share the island. It was a much better option than wiping them out.
He was going to have to tell her the truth or at least a twist on it. He couldn’t tell her everything. Not right now. Not yet.
“I think I might be able to help…you, that is.”
“How?” Emerald stalked closer, her ears flattening in suspicion.
Zoltar sucked in a deep breath to calm his nerves. ‘Just take it nice and slow. Don’t rush this.’
“I haven’t exactly been honest about my intentions for being on the island. I’m actually on a Power Stone Quest.”
He cringed, remembering the looks on Felistia and Shiraku’s faces when he’d told them this.
“A Power Stone Quest?” Emerald echoed.
“Yes. It’s the reason I and those…other Shadow Talons were on the island a few weeks back. We’d come to talk to your leader about your tribes gem. It didn’t … well, you know.”
Emerald shuffled on her paws, looking quite uncomfortable at the mention of the other Shadow Talons.
Zoltar tried to ignore it. He needed to stay focused, “Because of that, my tribe, I was forced to try to get the gem another way.”
“You’ve come to steal it,” Emerald murmured, her eyes locked on his as if trying to read his mind.
‘Oh moons,’ Zoltar thought, beginning to panic. This was a terrible idea. Why did he think this was going to work?
“We have no choice. My tribe needs that Power Stone. Without it, we’ll never be able to secure a new territory. I know it’s not the way things are done, but what other option do we have?”
Emerald was silent, her scales rippling burnt oranges through to abyssal blue.
‘Please say something,’ Zoltar thought desperately, twisting his talons as his stomach clinched. She was going to tell the other Wisp Talons. She was going to turn him in. Stupid, stupid, why had he just blurted that out?
Emerald let out a long breath, breaking the deafening silence between them, “And how does this help me?”
“With the gem, my tribe would be powerful enough to help you. Like you said before, it would be mutually beneficial. My tribe would be able to settle along the islands cost and your tribe would be free from the threat of the Death Grippers. But we’d never be able to take on Eclipse or the Death Grippers without the Stone.”
He knew he wasn’t telling the whole truth, but he had to. His twisted version was already bad enough.He couldn’t tell her about the Ghost Talons.
“And I suppose you want my help getting the gem?” Emerald said, rubbing the bridge of her snout.
Zoltar nodded.
Emerald sighed and swept her tail around to curl over her talons, “I…”
She bit one of her claws, the myriads of colours across her scales fighting for dominance as she stared up at the ceiling.
Zoltar waited, shuffling on his paws nervously. He couldn’t imagine what she must be thinking. What was she going to say?
“I can’t,” Emerald whispered, flattening her ears, “It’s not my place and even then…”
She sighed as she got to her paws, “I couldn’t even if I wanted to. No one besides the chief knows where the gems are kept. It would be impossible.”
She was pacing back and forth, shaking her head, “I can’t. I’m sorry Zoltar.”
She cast him a rueful look, before hurrying out the cave, her paw steps quickly fading as she left.
Zoltar watched her go, making no attempt to follow her.
His gaze dropped as he ran a stray vine through his talons. He hadn’t really expected her to say yes. If anything, it had gone better than he could have reasonably hoped for. She hadn’t turned on him or called him out for going behind her back.
Sure she’d gotten flustered, but who wouldn’t. He’d dumped a lot on her.
He huffed, blowing out a small plume of flame as he got to his paws. That was it though. She might not have reacted badly, but she wasn’t going to help him. He was still on his own. He was still going to have to attempt to steal the gem on his own.
Groaning, he walked out of the cavern, heading up the tunnel out of the mountain.
Emerald would have probably gone back to the village. Maybe to even to talk to Jasper. She wouldn’t be back for a while, not after that. And that was if she even came back. He wouldn’t blame her if she dumped him entirely.
‘Maybe it’s for the best,’ He thought as he emerged into the bright sunlight. The sun was just over half way across the sky. Nightfall was still a little ways off.
He sighed, sitting down near the mouth of the cave. He needed to start scouting the area around the village, much as he hated the idea. He didn’t really have much of a choice. Stealing the gem was his only option left.
It would be best to start tonight, while Emerald was out of the way. She might not have turned him on yet…probably…but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t change her mind if she saw him going ahead anyway. Besides, full moon was a few days away. He needed to have the gem and be off the island by then.
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137,931 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hi there felistia!
First Impressions
I had a couple of surprises this chapter! One was about the topic Zoltar wanted to talk to Emerald about. For some reason, I’d thought he was going to ask her indirectly about the gem, but instead he offered to help her and revealed his true intentions. I was also surprised that Emerald ended up not being able or willing to help. Previously I felt sure that those two would be continuing to work together. The chapter leaves me feeling mixed emotions. On the one hand, I’m relieved that Emerald doesn’t seem to be reporting Zoltar to the rest of the tribe. On the other hand, it looks like Zoltar is going to have to dig his dragon heels in and steal this gem, which could be really dangerous.
Plot
Something I like about the plot development in this chapter is how you introduce the obstacles. First, Emerald gives a key piece of information:
I like that we wouldn’t have known this if Zoltar hadn’t tried to ask Emerald to help him get the gems. This way it doesn’t so much feel like Zoltar’s effort was wasted but rather this was a viable/ necessary step to further his goal, if that makes sense.
Though this is a repeated piece of information from a few chapters ago, it is introduced in a different tone, I think, because now scouting is a much more immediate obstacle.
Finally, the time limit lets me know what to expect and leaves the chapter with a degree of tension because Zoltar will have to go fast.
Description
Something I think could be worked on is the description of the characters’ internal emotions. I like how vibrant and specific you are in describing their gestures, such as “Emerald sighed and swept her tail around to curl over her talons”. This has both a sound description, ‘sighed’ and a visual, making it more vivid. It would be nice if some of this could be brought into the more abstract aspects of Zoltar’s feelings. For example:
Is he cringing internally or externally here? Usually, when people feel uncomfortable, it is not just reflected in bodily movement, but also in their internal sensations. Is there a coldness in his chest or heat in his face? Does he feel a buzzing up and down his spine? Heaviness anywhere?
The last image here is kind of what I’m getting at! I thought his emotion was described nicely here and would have liked to see more of that in between his internal thoughts.
Character Motivations
Something I liked about this chapter in general is how both characters considered how working together could help further their own goals. I thought it was really smart and well thought-out that Zoltar would connect his own present plight to how his tribe could potentially help Emerald’s in the future, even if it was a difficult connection to make (I sure hadn’t thought of that!). He even omitted certain details to avoid spoiling the story! I just love cleverness like that in stories, even if it is deceptive, hehe. It kept the conversation focused on the characters’ motivations, which made the scene flow well for me.
Hope some of this helps, and feel free to ask for more feedback!
-Lim
Hi felistia,
Mailice here with another short review!
I like this brief touch of confidence and the simultaneous balance with his head. Zoltar is still a bit divided and I think that these brief moments shine a little bit on the tragedy of the story because Zoltar himself doesn't feel like a main character or anything like that.
I don't know yet how the story will unfold further, but I like how Zoltar's expression changes a lot. I think here he should have told how it came to stealing the Power Gems in the first place, right from the beginning. This would have been a little more sympathetic to Emerald, rather than just showing that Zoltar is a thief.
I had the impression that this chapter was a bit long. Funny I should say that, but unlike the previous ones, this one was a bit filter-like, at least that's my impression. Maybe it was also because I read so much at once, but I also think that this has to do with the structure, that you split a little inner world and outer world, and so create an up and down, that up to a certain point then already becomes a monotony. Your writing continues to be good and hard to beat, especially writing such a colossal story (chapter 50, that's insane!), but think you could try to maybe steer it in a different direction here, or rewrite it so that maybe you split some of the parts you have in this chapter into others so it doesn't read so repetitive.
As I said, I read it all in one go and that's when it struck me. As a stand-alone chapter it definitely turned out well, but as a part between two other chapters it was like the last cliff before the mountaintop.
Have fun writing!
Mailice