The Quest for Fire - Into the Mists - Chapter 30

Hi felistia,

Mailice here with a short review!

Once again you surprise me with a chapter I didn't expect. I like that. I think here we have reached a point of surprise and a kind of new beginning where Zoltar has been brought "back to reality".

You manage to create an incredibly good atmosphere with the beginning of the story, describing the silence, and I like how that drags a little further into the chapter. I'm also very surprised that we got more shorter sentences because of that. In some places I thought it was good and it fit the situation, but in some places I thought it was a bit monotonous and I think you can rewrite the tension in a new arc.

I liked the chapter in terms of the structure because we finally saw Zoltar now refocusing on what is in front of his eyes. For a while I think he even completely forgot what happened. When he caught Emerald, I was very surprised that he was partly thinking of some kind of revenge, but conscience spoke to him. I liked that scene. Emerald seems very interesting, somewhat youthful in her appearance with a kind of conviction of superiority. I'm curious to see where this will go as we are now reintroduced to new characters.

A small highlight here was also how Zoltar showed that he is not just the thoughts, and the frustration and melancholy he carries inside, but has also somewhat returned to ordinary thinking and is fighting for the situation. I still have the impression that we are building an arc here that will last a little longer. We haven't seen Wisp Talons yet for nothing now and heard about a new one called Jaspar. It almost seems like a small group is getting together here...?

Oh and of course an amazing drawing! @FlamingPhoenix

Other points I noticed while reading:

No herds of antelope or wild boar. There were no animals in sight. It was eerily still. No birds chirped from the nearby forest. Only the gentle lap of waves against the shore disturbed the silence.

I like your attempt here to raise the tension and also give a bit of that eerie feeling to contrast with the last time, but I think the structure of the short sentences here is moving more in the direction of a bumpy read. I think if you connect some sentences, you can certainly create more tension, such as: "No herds of antelope or wild board, not even birds chipreg from the nearby forest. There were no animals in sight, there was an eerily silence." With this you would also manage to create an order between the antelopes - boars - animals - birds. You're kind of jumping back and forth a bit.

“What in blue moons!”

I think a question mark would also do the trick her, not just the exclamation mark.

‘Oh dung balls!’ Zoltar thought in panic, ‘It’s a Wisp Talon. What am I going to do?’

This probably wasn't meant to be that funny of a scene, but I like how Zoltar has this moment here, almost as if he didn't expect this plan to go any further than the first step.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...so we finally manage to run into Emerald, who is almost unrecognizable from the one I remember from the earlier draft. I can't judge if that's a good difference or not, but it is certainly different, and its an interesting new personality here. There is a nice bit of extra snark and humor there to this first meeting, and poor Zoltar looks to be just confused through most of it.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The surface of the lake sparkled like polished glass under the glare of the afternoon sun, the blue waters rippling ever so gently as shoals of fish darted through the shallows.

Zoltar circled overhead, scanning the area. Unlike the day before, the shore was deserted. No herds of antelope or wild boar. There were no animals in sight. It was eerily still. No birds chirped from the nearby forest. Only the gentle lap of waves against the shore disturbed the silence.

Hmm, okay so he makes his way to this area without too much trouble by the looks of it. I know there is probably no way at all that he's going to get spend these few minutes actually resting like he wanted to but let's see where this goes here.

After one last check, Zoltar landed on the lakes western bank. Dropping his kill, he looked around. It was weird to see the place so deserted. It couldn’t be the heat of the afternoon. Prey animal always gathered around major water sources, regardless of the time of day.

Usually it was the predators that slept during midday, avoiding the hottest hours and conserving their energy for the evenings hunt.

It was all very strange.

OH that's definitely something to totally take a note of and try to focus on there Zoltar...there's definitely something dangerous rather nearby or the animals wouldn't all be missing. Do not make the mistake of lowering your guard on this island, especially when you're feeling a bit tired.

Still, it was hot and the effort of carrying the deer had taken its toll on him. Keeping one eye on the trees, Zoltar risked leaving his kill and padded down to the water’s edge. He lapped the water quickly, all the while listening for anything that might signal danger.

Suddenly, his back spines bristled, a crawling sensation slithering over his scales. Something wasn’t right.

He paused drinking for a moment. Maybe it was the slight rustle of the grass behind him or the soft breathes of a dragon approaching that alerted him? All he knew was that there was someone behind him.

Oh someone is definitely going to be right behind him, hopefully whoever it is happens to be a friendly one providing a bit of false alarm and not a dragon intent on capturing him to be sacrificed in the next ritual or something along those lines.

Sidious’s advice flashed through his mind. Attack! Don’t wait.

Spinning around, he lunged at the intruder, his talons splayed. He knocked the would-be attacker to the ground, sending the dragoness tumbling onto her belly with a loud grunt.

“What in blue moons!” she shrieked, sounding half surprised and half livid.

Zoltar flinched back, but didn’t remove his talons from the dragoness’s back. The scales under his claws flashed a burning whirlwind of crimson reds and fiery yellows and the realization of what he had just pinned dawned on him.

Oh here we go...a Wisp Talon has been captured, judging by how a whole herd hasn't rushed out to ambush Zoltar, I'm going to assume this is one of the more rarer occasions where one just happens to be wondering around on its own...but oh dear...you never quite know just what might end up going down here. Hopefully its Emerald and not anyone else.

‘Oh dung balls!’ Zoltar thought in panic, ‘It’s a Wisp Talon. What am I going to do?’

“What are you doing?” the Wisp Talon hissed, trying to wriggle out from under him, “Let me go. I’ll bite you if you don’t.”

Zoltar increased his grip on her neck and looked around wildly. How was he going to get out of this? He couldn’t just let her go. What if there were others?

He scanned the tree line hopefully. Maybe Sidious had followed him.

The Wisp Talon snarled again, her tail lashing wildly as she tried to wrap it around one of his legs. Zoltar stamped a paw down on the tail, ending its flailing.

Ooooh, nice little bit of tension there as they sort of try to struggle to gain the upper hand in this fight. Its a nice moment here. This is going to be an interesting scene. Also Zoltar lookig around for Sidious with the hope he will intervene is oddly perfect for this scene, he totally hates the dragon, but clearly he knows that he's very powerful and still hopes that Sidious might intervene.

The dragoness let out a huff as she let her wings flop to ground, seemingly defeated as she growled, “Ooo, I should never have let you go yesterday. This is what I get for being nice. Jasper is going to kill you when he finds out about this.”

‘So she is the same one from yesterday.’ Zoltar thought, feeling a little more at ease, though he kept a wary eye on the forest. Surely if there were others they’d have attacked by now and who was Jasper?

OKayyy...well someone is regretting their life choices, but hmm, that does sound like maybe it could be Emerald, I don't think just about any Wisp Talon is going to go around letting a potential visiting dragon go like this.

“So what’s your plan then genius?” the Wisp Talon hissed indignantly, “You gonna just stand there all day?”

Zoltar could feel his initial panic beginning to wear off as he realized that the Wisp Talon was alone.

He took a moment to look her over. He’d been right in his previous thoughts about her still being a dragonet, judging from that the fact that her horns weren’t yet fully grown. Even her wings still had the slight translucent hue of a young dragon. He doubted she was older than Shiraku. She was probably around nineteen seasons old from the looks of it.

Well this is certainly someone that's a bit snarkier than the Emerald that I do remember, so that's interesting, and also younger, I don't believe we had any attention brought to the fact that Emerald was young in the previous part...so these are all some very interesting details to note here.

He took in a deep breath as he began to relax. He was safe for the moment. Her slender frame was no match against him. Her color shifting scales and venom were her only defence. With him on top of her, the scales were useless and if he kept her from twisting her neck around to bite him, she was practically defenceless.

Still, he was sure the moment he let go, she’d have her fangs at his throat. He was safe so long as he didn’t move, but he knew that couldn’t last forever. Nightfall would come eventually and then the rest of her tribe would find her. One pinned Wisp Talon wouldn’t help him then.

I love his little observation here, you can see the soldier in him as he tries to analyze what's going on and the advantages and disadvantages that he has in this confrontation. What stands out as a bit funny here is the fact that it does look like his plan is in fact to try and just stand there all day which doesn't seem like it'll be a particularly effective plan here.

“Well come on. I know you can talk,” she continued, twisting her head to the side. Her eyes gleamed a brilliant sapphire blue as she scowled at him.

Zoltar stared back at her, unsure of what to do. What did she want him to say? He found himself shrugging his wings awkwardly.

The Wisp Talons scales flashed pink, an amused look flickering across her snout as she remarked, “You have no idea what you’re doing, do you?”

Hmm, well there's certainly quite something going on there. I have no idea what Emerald?...is it too soon? here is trying to get at here, but like Zoltar, I am also a little confused as to what exactly she wants him to say and where this situation is going to end up going here.

Zoltar gave her an insulted scowl, but she was right. What was he thinking? He wasn’t Sidious. He couldn’t kill on sight. Why had he attacked? He should have just made a run for it. He was out in the open. He would have beaten her in an aerial pursuit, but no, he had to go ahead and be numb skull.

Now he was stuck in an impossible situation. He couldn’t let her go, she’d be on him in a heartbeat, but that only left one option; kill her.

Zoltar cringed at the thought. Despite everything that the Wisp Talons had done and even with all his hate towards them, he still couldn’t bring himself to do it. She was just a dragonet. Just the thought of committing such an act churned his stomach.

Well its good to see that despite all the hatred that he rather justifiably has for the tribe of Wisp Talons as a whole for the paint they've caused him and just the general horrors he's suffered over the years, he still has his core morals and he's not going to just kill a dragoness, even if it is somewhat of a kill or be killed situation by this point.

‘Surely she wasn’t there that night. She is too young. Surely she isn’t to blame for what happened.’ Zoltar thought, looking down at the Wisp Talon. She was still giving him a look of amusement and slight irritation.

Maybe he could reason with her. She had after all let him go yesterday. Something must have prompted that.

He sighed, still unable to believe what he was about to do.

Well that seems like the only option that won't result in at least one death, so maybe Emerald here is going to go for it, although we don't really have any confirmation this is in fact Emerald nor do we know if she's going to actually keep her word even if she agrees to some form of compromise.

“Look, I don’t want to cause any trouble. Why don’t we just call it even? I let you go and you don’t bite me? I don’t see another way out of this that doesn’t result in both of us getting killed.” Zoltar cringed at the sound of his own voice. Why was it so shaky?

The Wisp Talon arched her eye crests, before teasingly remarking, “I don’t know … I could just wait here for my brother. He should be here in…hmm,” she glanced at the sun, “a few minutes I think.”

She snickered when Zoltar hurriedly scanned the tree line.

He flattened his ears, scowling at her, “Very funny.”

Hmm, oh yeah, the snark factor here is much higher than what I remember it being and I am very curious to see where this comes from and where this is going to go. The mention of a brother seems real enough to me, even though said brother is probably not going to be running into save her soon. Hmm, well so far Zoltar is on a bit of a backfoot here with his attempt to negotiate, but he did try the correct method a least.

“Don’t worry. I’m sure he won’t bite you…right away.” The dragoness grinned again and stretched her wings, her scales now a rolling mix of rose pinks and emerald greens.

Zoltar shook his head. He couldn’t figure her out. Wasn’t she angry anymore? What happened to the vicious little snake that wanted to inject him with venom?

“Anyway, I’d say your idea sounds fair enough. You let me go and I don’t bite you.”

Zoltar considered it for a moment, a little unsure. This might be a trick, but then again, what choice did he have. He didn’t want to kill her and he certainly didn’t want to run into an entire pack of Wisp Talons.

“Okay then,” Zoltar said, trying to keep his voice from shaking, “I’ll let go on five. One, two…five”

He let go, springing back and into the air. He hovered over the lake, a good few dragon lengths from the shore.

Hmm, the change in tone there was certainly a bit sudden to see. I was almost not expecting her to accept the deal there but then she did go through with agreeing and I think Zoltar was very smart in counting the way that he did and getting away as fast as possible. That was a really smart move on his part. Let's see what happens next here.

The Wisp Talon looked back at him, her snout wrinkled in confusion as she got to her paws, “You do know how to count don’t you? Last time I checked, it didn’t skip three and four.”

Zoltar stared back at her. Why wasn’t she trying to attack?

She smirked, a hint of purple brushing across her wings as she added, “By the way, you forgot your deer.”

She pointed a talon at the stag lying on the grass a few paw steps from her.

Zoltar glanced at the deer and groaned. Of course he’d forgotten all about his kill.

“Don’t worry. I won’t touch it. It’s had your sticking claws all over it anyway,” the Wisp Talon snickered as she turned to leave, “Oh and by the way, since we’ve bumped into one another twice now, you might as well know my name. It’s Emerald.”

She grinned again, before bounding into the forest.

Zoltar watched her leave, still completely bewildered.

Hmm, well yeah, her new personality is certainly going to be the sort of thing that leaves your bewildered xD. She seems pretty confident in her abilities there, the sort of thing that comes with being a bit on the younger side of things ands it an interesting new personality that's a bit different from most of the other dragons and dragonesses we've seen in this story so far. Well...it makes for a pretty intriguing chapter here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this is a pretty interesting chapter as always and I'm very intrigued by this completely new direction I'm seeing with regards to Emerald. I'm very excited to see how that part of the story will continue now!!

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry