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Young Writers Society



The Quest for Fire - Into the Mists - Chapter 53

by felistia


Darkness surrounded him, clinging to him like tree sap. He couldn’t hear, couldn’t see or feel anything. It was like floating, suspended in an eternal void.

He knew he was asleep, knocked into unconsciousness by whatever had been on that dart. He needed to wake up. He needed to escape. Time was ticking and he couldn’t waste a second.

‘Wake up! Wake up!’

He struggled, clawing for anything around him.

Something shifted in the abyss around him. A sound, faint at first, but definitely there and growing louder. He focused, willing himself to follow the voice and to escape the darkness threatening to swallow him again.

“Solar! You can’t give that to him now. You’ll give him an over dose.”

“It’s fine.”

Zoltar felt his jaws being opened and a thick, bitter liquid being poured down his throat. He tried to resist, but his head was tilted back and he ended up having to swallow to avoid choking.

“There was barely any venom on the dart. Just enough to keep him quiet until this kicks in. I doubt he’s even properly out anyway. Look, he’s even swallowing it on his own,” Solar hissed, dropping his snout, “You worry too much.”

Nova sucked in a quick breath, sounding relieved.

A disapproving growl emanated from Solar, “Why do you keep doing this? You did this last time and got the same result.”

“Because I don’t like this,” Nova snapped, before letting out a small whimper.

Solar sighed and there was the shuffle of paws on wood as he crossed over to where Zoltar assumed Nova was standing, “Let me look.”

Zoltar inwardly cringed at the memory of his teeth sinking into the Wisp Talon’s arm. He hadn’t meant to bite so hard.

There were a few long moments of silence before Solar exhaled disappointedly, “You best get over to the herbalists and get yourself patched up. It looks worse than last time.”

“But what about-”

“I’ll handle things here until you get back.”

Paw steps trailed out of the room, stopping outside as Nova hesitated, “You’re…not going to tell Eclipse about this…right.”

Another sigh. The second’s dragged out before Solar finally said, “No, I guess not, but only if you promise not to do this again. You’re going to get seriously hurt one of these days. This isn’t a game. These dragons aren’t your friends.”

“No. No…I guess not,” Nova mumbled, “…sorry.”

“It’s fine. Now get going, before you bleed all over the floor and I end up having to explain to Eclipse why there are more stains.”

A snort followed this as the sound of wings opening filled the air as Nova took to the sky. It wasn’t long before his flaps faded into the distance.

A heavy silence settled over the hut, thick and stifling. Zoltar strained his ears. Where was Solar? Had he gone outside?

Rrrrgggghh.

Zoltar froze, his spines prickling as a claw trailed over his snout, creating an awful scraping sound as it hooked on his scales.

“Listen here Shadow Talon. If you ever hurt my brother again, you won’t have to wait for the Death Grippers to kill you. I’ll rip you apart myself. Got it?”

A sharp hiss escaped Zoltar’s mouth as Solar dug a talon into the end of his snout, warm liquid trickling from the wound.

“Good. I’ll take that as a yes.” He growled as he unhooked his claw.

Vines snaked their way back over his snout as Solar bound his jaws shut once again. Getting up, he walked off without another word, closing the door behind him with a dull thud.

Zoltar sniffed, trying to supress the shivers rattling through his scales. How he wished he could curl in on himself, but his body denied him even that as the herbs started to take effect. It wasn’t long before he was sucked back into the dark void that had become oh so familiar, only this time, he was relieved.

Zoltar wasn’t sure how much time had passed when he cracked open his eyes, but he guessed it was nearly midnight. Moonlight streamed in through the hut door, cloaking the room in a ghostly glow.

He squinted, rubbing his head against the floor as a horn ache pulsed through his skull. What had woken him or had the herbs just started to wear off?

Regardless, he decided against struggling, afraid that if anyone caught him awake, they’d dump another bowl of that stuff down his throat. He balked at the idea, nausea once again gripping his stomach.

Besides, it wasn’t like he had a plan. Might as well stay quiet while thinking, rather than draw attention to himself.

Speaking of, where was Solar or Nova? He wasn’t sure if the younger dragon had returned from the herbalists while he was out. He kind of hoped so, both for Nova’s sake and his own. Despite his condescending tone, he’d take the Wisp Talon over Solar any time.

“Solar?”

The hushed voice brought Zoltar out of his thoughts and he turned his head towards the door, ears straining to pick up the conversation.

A grunt followed as the Wisp Talon shifted from his position beside the door to look up, his figure blocking the moonlight.

Zoltar flattened his ears in disappointment. It was Solar. Great.

“What are you doing here? Where’s Nova?” Eclipse hissed, a little louder this time.

Solar shrugged, “Needed a break. I offered to take over for a little while.”

Eclipse huffed, his tail flicking against the hut roof, “He did it again didn’t he?”

Solar rolled his eyes, lifting his wings in exasperation, “Of course he did. What did you expect?”

Zoltar didn’t hear Eclipses answer. He was staring at Solar’s side. He hadn’t seen it before, the dragons golden wings covering it. A long black scar streaked across his left side, the once bright scales now an ugly melted mess.

A muffled gasp escaped his jaws as he clasped his still bond paws to his mouth. It was a burn scar.

There was only one Wisp Talon on this island that could have such a recent burn scar like that.

Whimpering, he covered his head as best he could, try to supress the urge to roar in pain and fury. It had been him. He’d killed Nira. He’d murdered her.


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Thu Sep 08, 2022 3:26 pm
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there felistia!

First Impressions
Solar just got a lot scarier in this chapter! I definitely am taking him more seriously as an antagonist now. This whole chapter has the vibe of a horror movie, what with Zoltar drifting in and out of consciousness and not really being able to perceive what’s going on around him. I like that Solar and Nova converse in a slightly ‘nicer’ way than Solar treats Zoltar because it goes to show being nice to your own brethren doesn’t preclude doing horrible things to other dragons, which I think is a bit of a recurring thing here.

Characters
My impression of Nova from this chapter and the last is that he has moral impulses, but not the courage to stand up to other dragons in his own tribe. I find him to be a sympathetic character because it’s clear he’s very scared.

“Listen here Shadow Talon. If you ever hurt my brother again, you won’t have to wait for the Death Grippers to kill you. I’ll rip you apart myself. Got it?”

I thought this line of Solar’s dialogue was well-written. It sounds appropriately aggressive to match his aggressive behaviour this chapter, using extreme verbs like “rip” and “kill”. The “listen here” to start it off is also a nice touch.
After that brief heroic effort in the previous chapter, Zoltar is back to feeling cowed by the antagonists. I felt disappointed, but not in a bad way – I just felt disappointed for Zoltar, since I still remember him being quite close to at least making some progress. I think his fear makes sense given the way Solar acts in this chapter, drugging him and also being the one to directly thwart his escape attempt.

Description
Something that could be improved with some of the descriptions could be spreading out the figurative language a bit? For example, I’ve noticed the descriptions sometimes use a very vivid image like “Darkness clinging to him like tree sap” and then quite soon after that following it up with another ‘complex’ description like that, such as “like floating, suspended in an eternal void”. I felt my imagination was a bit overwhelmed trying to tie these things together, even though individually they work well as imagery.
Zoltar froze, his spines prickling as a claw trailed over his snout, creating an awful scraping sound as it hooked on his scales.

Another example would be this line, where we have “prickling”, which evokes a lot of senses like touch, sight and possibly sound as well, and then immediately after another sound image, within the same sentence. I think I would have liked to see more lines of description to slow down or highlight the pace of the more emotionally loaded moments so they would have more impact relative to the in-between scenes like Zoltar regaining consciousness.

Plot
I wonder what is going to happen now that Zoltar knows that Solar was Nira’s killer. Would his desire for revenge come back? Or would it lead to some other kind of confrontation? At this point, I’m not sure, but it does add an extra complication to Zoltar’s escape plan plus his plan to steal the gem.
Since Zoltar’s first escape plan has failed, I’m guessing he’ll now have to cooperate, or pretend to cooperate, with his captors for a bit, at least until he finds a weak spot in their security.

Overall
This chapter leaves me curious about how Nova might play into the plot in future chapters. He’s shown not to be as cruel as Solar and Zoltar seems to think so as well. I sure hope Zoltar won’t let his anger overcome him, as I have the feeling he’ll need to be smart to make his way out of this predicament.

Hope some of this helps, and feel free to ask for more feedback!
-Lim




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Sun Sep 04, 2022 10:40 pm
LadyBug wrote a review...



Hi Felistia! Jade here to leave you a review on your chapter! With no more further ado, let's begin.


To begin, I really liked the dialogue in this chapter, it's exciting, well-paced, and feels like different people speaking. However, there is a lot of unnecessary action in your writing of this chapter. I enjoy it, but it makes the pacing feel a little off. For example, one sentence that drags is:

Besides, it wasn’t like he had a plan. Might as well stay quiet while thinking, rather than draw attention to himself.

It just doesn't fit in as well with the rest of the action. We could reword it to look more like:

It wasn't like he had a plan in mind, so it was better to stay quiet while he thought. He didn't want to draw attention to himself.

In my opinion, it flows better.

Another thing I would like to point out is the sentence length and structure. All the sentences (with a few exceptions!) are similar in length and structure. Varying the length of it and the way it's formatted would help it be easier to read and feel different with each line.

There are a few spelling mistakes and missing apostrophes, but nothing I need to nitpick on.

With that aside, I really liked reading your chapter. I found it to be really descriptive and I found myself emotionally connected to the characters, especially Zoltar! I like when writing can make me feel for different people.

Keep writing!





"Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
— Paul Brandt