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The Quest for Fire - Into the Mists - Chapter 2

by felistia


Blinking in the late afternoon sunlight, Zoltar surfaced to see Hisster standing on one of the training platforms. Scorpus stood below him, watching the General as more Shadow Talons emerged from their caves.

Zoltar looked around him, a little confused. Was this because of the earthquake?

Mowzan had appeared beside him with Nickeeta. Both looked as puzzled as he was.

“Soldiers,” Hisster continued, “There have been reports of a Sea Talon being sighted in the area. The Chief has ordered a squad to investigate.”

‘A Sea Talon?’ Zoltar thought as the Shadow Talons around him began murmuring. What was a Sea Talon doing anywhere near Shadow Talon territory?

“The dragonets in training and those of you who have or are expecting dragonets may stay. This is a scouting mission, nothing more. If I feel that we need reinforcements, I will send a messenger. That is all.” Hisster commanded, his wings held confidently as he surveyed the dragons below.

“Sir, what about the earthquake. Are there any reasons to be concerned?” Someone spoke out in the crowd.

Hisster glanced at Scorpus and nodded.

“The volcanologists have reported no changes in the mountain. Mokewtu is stable.” Scorpus responded, his barbed tail gently sweeping side to side behind him.

Zoltar breathed an inward sigh of relief as he filed into line with the other Shadow Talons. It had just been a light tremor. Nothing more.

In amongst the soldiers he caught a glimpse of female dragoness he knew well. She was standing a few dragons away, scanning the others, looking. Nira caught his gaze and gave him a slight wave with her wing.

Zoltar smiled back, returning her wave shyly.

“Is that everyone?” Hisster asked when everyone had stopped moving.

A group of around one hundred Shadow Talons stood beneath and around the training pillar. The rest of the dragons that were excluded had retreated back into the tunnel entrances.

“Yes Sir,” Scorpus responded amidst giving orders as he got the troop together.

Hisster nodded before lifting into the sky, the wind created by his massive obsidian black wings churning the dusty ground below.

“Lift off,” Scorpus ordered as he followed Hisster, the battalion close behind him.

The sun slowly sank towards the golden outline of the far off sea as Zoltar and the others banked to the northwest and headed for the Sea Talon beach and the edge of their territory.

“Hey.” A wing brushed against Zoltar’s side and he turned to see Nira gliding beside him.

Zoltar smiled and found himself staring into her eyes. Those beautiful violet eyes.

“So how strange is that, to be investigating a Sea Talon sighting?” Nira stated.

Zoltar blinked, breaking from his haze, “I know. There hasn’t been anything like that since the end of the war.”

Nira’s gaze dropped, “That’s what I’m worried about.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s nothing though,” Zoltar quickly added. They never really spoke about the war anymore. Not since his and Nira’s parents had been killed in one of the Sea Talon battles.

That was why this report was so weird though. The Sea Talons and Shadow Talons had come to an uneasy truce fifteen years ago. The two tribes hadn’t seen or spoken a word to each other since then.

“It was probably just someone’s eyes playing tricks on them.” Zoltar said, though even he didn’t really believe that.

“Let’s hope so.” Nira sighed before she flew a little way forward to talk to one of the other soldiers.

The flat plains were now slowly replaced by shallow hills as the figure of Mount Mokewtu grew ever distant. Bushes and the occasional tree now shared the earth with the long blades of grass that had carpeted the lowlands.

The sun was a wings breath from the ocean now, it’s golden rays dancing off the lapping waters. The beach was still a long way off though. It would be well past dark before they reached their destination.

Though that may be part of Hisster’s plan. With their night vision and the cover of darkness, the Shadow Talons would have a huge advantage over any Sea Talon. The intruder would probably be hiding somewhere near the shore, hoping that they could elude the Shadow Talons until sunrise.

It was highly unlikely they’d stay hidden until morning though. With no families to get back too, he and the other Shadow Talons could stay out here as long as they needed.

Suddenly, a thundering boom shook the air around them, knocking the soldiers from the sky. They hit the ground, just as another blast shook the earth.

“What happened,” Hisster roared as the Shadow Talons tried to get to their paws, fighting the tremors that shot through the earth. Everyone was yelling as they tried to figure out what was going on.

Zoltar looked around widely. Where was the attack coming from? That was when his eyes lock on the distant shadow of Mount Mokewtu.

A huge plume of smoke had erupted from the mountain, swallowing the welcoming blue of the sky with a thick choking cloud of death.

Screams pierced the air around the group as the mountain's peak became ablaze with scarlet fire. Burning rocks of roaring flame fell from the now crimson sky, taking out many of the Shadow Talons that could be seen trying to escape the eruption.

Another deafening roar pierced the air and the Shadow Talons watched in horror as the entire north side of the Mount Mokewtu collapsed in a tsunami of molten rock and ash. Smoke roared from the great fissure, pouring out the mountain and up in another giant mushroom cloud. Lighting flashed in its depths as it spread, blotting out the last of the sun and sky. Any fleeing Shadow Talons were overtaken and engulfed by the pyroclastic flow. Not a sound broke the deafening howl of the volcano as it consumed the Shadow Talon city in a cloud of smoke and fire.

“No.” Zoltar whispered, crumpling like a wilting flower. His eyes were squeezed shut, but still the tears flowed. His chest hurt like something was squeezing every rib in his body. A strange chill had passed over him and he was shaking.

Everything, everyone was gone. His brother, all the dragonets, the whole tribe was gone.

All around him, the other Shadow Talons were staring at the mountain, their expressions a mixture of horror and grief.

Blinking through the tears, Zoltar spied Nira amongst the soldiers. She was just standing there, her face as hard as stone. No emotion crossed her snout as she slowly sank to the ground. She curled up into a ball and covered her face with her wings. A quiet whimpering was all that could be heard from the ball of scales.

Zoltar turned back towards the mountain. Great plumes of smoke were still rising from the mountain as rivers of glowing orange lava streamed down its sides, but there was nothing left to destroy.

Everything he cared about …his home… his family… his friends… were gone forever, lost to the volcano. What was he going to do now? There was nowhere to go. Even now as he stood here, ash was starting to rain down on the landscape around him. Nothing would survive.

A shaky gasp escaped his jaws as he surveyed what only a few minutes ago had been a thriving community. What was going to happen to him, Nira and the Shadow Talons left?

“Please tell me the evening hunting parties haven’t returned yet.”

Zoltar slowly turned to find Hisster standing a few tail lengths away with Scorpus, his eyes filled with a ghostly despair.

“I’m afraid … they returned a few hours ago,” Scorpus whispered, his voice barley audible over the continual groan of the volcano.

Zoltar watched as his commander sank to the ground beside Hisster, grief stricken. Silent tears slowly trickled from the old warrior’s eyes. It was the first time Zoltar had ever seen him cry.

Hisster didn’t say a word. He just stared out at the burning pools of lava. The light of the fires reflected into his eyes, causing them to shine a smouldering red. Zoltar couldn’t imagine how he must be feeling. He’d had a wife and three young dragonets. All had perished in the flames.

After what felt like an eternity, Hisster finally spoke, “We will stand vigil until darkness falls. Then we will begin the Dance of Ascension.”


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Thu Jul 08, 2021 6:02 pm
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atlast wrote a review...



Hi, @felistia! Atlas here to review the second chapter of your novel, The Quest for Fire as requested. Before I begin. I want to remind you that my critiques are mere suggestions, so feel free to use or discard them as you see fit. Also, if anything I say is overly blunt or rude, please tell me so we can work out any issues. Additionally, I want to apologize in advance for any repetition of critiques from the three lovely reviews already posted. I'm going to break this review into four sections based on what you asked me to focus on. Any changes or rewrites will be in bold. All that said, let's get straight into it!

Worldbuilding

As usual, your imagery and worldbuilding were fantastic! Like I said in chapter one's review, I love the way you're able to really transport the reader into the world of the Shadow Talons. In fact, I think my favorite passage of this novel thus far is in this chapter. The final scene of the chapter, when Mount Mokewtu explodes and destroys Zoltar's home is incredibly well written. The raw grief pours through the pages and I was able to feel it with the characters. Amazing job!

There were several other instances where your imagery was extremely vivid. One example that struck out to me was:

The flat plains were now slowly replaced by shallow hills as the figure of Mount Mokewtu grew ever distant. Bushes and the occasional tree now shared the earth with the long blades of grass that had carpeted the lowlands.

The sun was a wings breath from the ocean now, it’s golden rays dancing off the lapping waters. The beach was still a long way off though. It would be well past dark before they reached their destination.


I honestly don't have any critiques! My suggestion would be to keep doing what you're doing.

Plot
Again, overall your plot was thorough and well thought out. It was easy to follow and progressed at a pretty consistent pace. There was one bit that was a little confusing for me, but there's always the chance that I read something wrong.
“The dragonets in training and those of you who have or are expecting dragonets may stay. This is a scouting mission, nothing more. If I feel that we need reinforcements, I will send a messenger. That is all.” Hisster commanded, his wings held confidently as he surveyed the dragons below.

My question is, if this is a simple scouting mission, then why are the dragonets ordered to stay behind? This did confuse me a bit, but now that I'm writing it out I'm seeing it as a reason for the dragonets to stay behind and, later, perish to the volcano. It's clearer to me now, but I didn't see it as foreshadowing at first.

Otherwise, your plot was well done! No big issues on this front.

I also wanted to make note of this passage, which stuck out to me:
Another deafening roar pierced the air and the Shadow Talons watched in horror as the entire north side of the Mount Mokewtu collapsed in a tsunami of molten rock and ash. Smoke roared from the great fissure, pouring out the mountain and up in another giant mushroom cloud. Lighting flashed in its depths as it spread, blotting out the last of the sun and sky. Any fleeing Shadow Talons were overtaken and engulfed by the pyroclastic flow. Not a sound broke the deafening howl of the volcano as it consumed the Shadow Talon city in a cloud of smoke and fire.

“No.” Zoltar whispered, crumpling like a wilting flower. His eyes were squeezed shut, but still, the tears flowed. His chest hurt like something was squeezing every rib in his body. A strange chill had passed over him and he was shaking.


I love the contrast between these two paragraphs. The deafening chaos of the explosion and the quiet, but prevalent, grief Zoltar feels immediately after provides a very powerful image for the reader. Beautifully done!

Characters
I love your characters! They're written well and are relatable, which is an important part of the job, in my opinion. If I can't empathize with a character at least a little bit I have a hard time enjoying the story.

I liked seeing more of Nira and Hisster as well! Again, nothing to critique here.

Other
There were a few little grammatical issues throughout, so I'm going to throw them down here. I'll provide an explanation afterward if any of them aren't super clear. As previously stated, any changes or rewrites will be in bold.

Zoltar looked around him, a little confused.


"...That is all.” Hisster commanded declared, his wings held confidently as he surveyed the dragons below.

I don't think "commanded" was the best word choice here, since Hisster isn't giving the others any orders,

“Sir, what about the earthquake,?


In amongstAmong the soldiers, he caught a glimpse of a female dragoness he knew well.


Hisster nodded before lifting into the sky, the wind created by his massive, obsidian black wings churning the dusty ground below.


The sun slowly sank towards the golden outline of the far off sea as Zoltar and the others banked to the northwest and headed, heading for the Sea Talon beach and the edge of their territory.

This sentence was a little clunky, so I think rewriting it or splitting it up into two would reduce said clunkiness.

“So how strange is that, to be investigating a Sea Talon sighting?” Nira statedasked.


It would be well past dark before they reached their destination, though that may be part of Hisster’s plan.

"Though that may be part of Hisster's plan" is a sentence fragment; moving it up and making it a part of the previous sentence remedies that.

Overall, this chapter was really well written! It flows really well, the characters are easy to empathize with, and your imagery continues to astound me. I want to apologize again for taking so long to get these reviews out. I'm currently working on Chapter 3, and am looking forward to getting that review posted!

Happy writing!
~Atlas




felistia says...


Thank you so much for the review. I'll go back and make those grammar changes. I'm so happy you are enjoying it so far. :D



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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi felistia,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Let´s start right away:

"Soldiers," Hisster continued, "There have been reports of a Sea Talon being sighted in the area. The Chief has ordered a squad to investigate."


When Hisster was first presented, I got the impression that he was something of a bureaucrat, too anxious to control everything and follow the rules. But when you read the chapter, you realise that he is already more complex than you imagined him to be. I give my compliments for that.

She was standing a few dragons away, scanning the others, looking.


"A few dragons" is a great unit of length. :D

Zoltar smiled and found himself staring into her eyes. Those beautiful violet eyes.


That's a good way to let the reader hint at something by inserting a second sentence that focuses even more on something specific. I don't know why I like such sentences that want to emphasise something special again. They simply show a certain drama.

The flat plains were now slowly replaced by shallow hills as the figure of Mount Mokewtu grew ever distant. Bushes and the occasional tree now shared the earth with the long blades of grass that had carpeted the lowlands.


Your descriptions are still very good. I like how it really feels like the landscape changes within seconds. You wrote it in a very vivid and dynamic context.

The sun was a wings breath from the ocean now, it's golden rays dancing off the lapping waters.


Again, a compliment for your poetic descriptions. I think that's what gives stories their own touch.

"What happened," Hisster roared


Here I think a question mark is more appropriate than a comma.

I liked this chapter because it is different from the previous one and there is a transition between the focus on the dialogue and the action. I like how it changes really well without it seeming contrived.

One criticism I have is how Zoltar reacts when Mount Mokewtu collapses. The build up in the last chapter has me thinking Zoltar is a capable and thoughtful character who is very keen to protect his brother and also his other friends but also stands in a teaching position to them. Here with his "no" that he only whispers, I think that's a bit lost. I think it's very hard to imagine something as horrible as the death of many loved ones, so (fortunately) I can't say how it's right to react. I would have expected him to remain calm and not fly back head over heels, but to express his feelings in a loud tone and full of grief mixed with anger.

Otherwise, I really like how the chapter develops and how you also end it with a kind of cliffhanger to make the reader curious about the next one.

Enjoy the writing!

Mailice.




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Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

Oh wow! This was a really intense chapter, especially for so early on in a book! That's not a bad thing, though; I was certainly gripped all the way through it! It put a lot of action and events into the text, and that worked really well with the plotline, I think.

One thing I really enjoyed about this was your pacing. I think you did a great job of introducing the tragedy slowly, or at least slowly enough so that the readers could have that bad feeling build in the pit of their stomach (that's what happened to me, at least). As someone who had never read this before (I know this is a rewrite) I think it was super effective, so nice work!

Specifics

Zoltar looked around him, a little confused. Was this because of the earthquake?


I thought that the "was this because of the earthquake" part sounded a little more like Zoltar's thoughts rather than narration, so I feel like it might make more sense for them to be italicized. That's just a stylistic suggestion, though.

“No.” Zoltar whispered.


This is just one example, but I noticed it was a recurring issue. When you have a dialogue tag such as "Zoltar whispered" or "she said" or "he asked," it is perfectly okay to put a comma after the dialogue. Moreover, it's incorrect not to do so. So this should really be "'No,' Zoltar whispered."

The sun was a wings breath from the ocean now, it’s golden rays dancing off the lapping waters.


Two things: one, "it's" should be "its." Also, I think it would make more sense to put an apostrophe after the "s' on wings. Since it's implied that the breath is of or belongs to the wings, in a sense, and that there are more than one wing, it would make sense to put an apostrophe there.

Overall: nice work! I think this is a really great section and I absolutely adore a lot of what you're doing here. I look forward to hopefully reading more in the future! Until next time!




felistia says...


Thank you so much for the review. :D



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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here....back to review this chapter as well...let's dive in...no point waiting around...knowing just have sad this is going to end up getting...I mean...as long as the storyline is the same as earlier....it can't be changed that much.

First Impression: Oh...here we go...the heartbreak begins...ahh...there's going to be so much of this to power through before we get to our more wholesome and happy moments in the later parts of this series....this is really not getting any easier.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Blinking in the late afternoon sunlight, Zoltar surfaced to see Hisster standing on one of the training platforms. Scorpus stood below him, watching the General as more Shadow Talons emerged from their caves.

Zoltar looked around him, a little confused. Was this because of the earthquake?

Mowzan had appeared beside him with Nickeeta. Both looked as puzzled as he was.


Hmm...why do I get the feeling this is maybe not something to do with the earthquake...or it really couldn't have been this much of a quick response....

“Soldiers,” Hisster continued, “There have been reports of a Sea Talon being sighted in the area. The Chief has ordered a squad to investigate.”

‘A Sea Talon?’ Zoltar thought as the Shadow Talons around him began murmuring. What was a Sea Talon doing anywhere near Shadow Talon territory?

“The dragonets in training and those of you who have or are expecting dragonets may stay. This is a scouting mission, nothing more. If I feel that we need reinforcements, I will send a messenger. That is all.” Hisster commanded, his wings held confidently as he surveyed the dragons below.


Well my theory is immediately concerned, that's rare in this novel series...xD...but umm...so it looks like we're seeing some interesting new additions, I wonder how this is going to end up playing out...is this maybe the sort of squad that ends up surviving because they were away from home looking for this Sea Talon...it might, I have a suspicion here....although...this might have been a part of the story all this time and I've just forgotten....that's also very likely.

“Sir, what about the earthquake. Are there any reasons to be concerned?” Someone spoke out in the crowd.

Hisster glanced at Scorpus and nodded.

“The volcanologists have reported no changes in the mountain. Mokewtu is stable.” Scorpus responded, his barbed tail gently sweeping side to side behind him.

Zoltar breathed an inward sigh of relief as he filed into line with the other Shadow Talons. It had just been a light tremor. Nothing more.


Oh I would definitely not trust the volcanologists on that one, I have very good intel that suggests that this volcano is due for a blowup very, very soon.

In amongst the soldiers he caught a glimpse of female dragoness he knew well. She was standing a few dragons away, scanning the others, looking. Nira caught his gaze and gave him a slight wave with her wing.

Zoltar smiled back, returning her wave shyly.


Well, I'm loving this little side arc....also hating it knowing what happens later....but still loving it while it lasts...

“Is that everyone?” Hisster asked when everyone had stopped moving.

A group of around one hundred Shadow Talons stood beneath and around the training pillar. The rest of the dragons that were excluded had retreated back into the tunnel entrances.

“Yes Sir,” Scorpus responded amidst giving orders as he got the troop together.

Hisster nodded before lifting into the sky, the wind created by his massive obsidian black wings churning the dusty ground below.


And off we goo....why do I still find Hisster somehow suspicous...its probably his name or something...I really have no idea.

“Lift off,” Scorpus ordered as he followed Hisster, the battalion close behind him.

The sun slowly sank towards the golden outline of the far off sea as Zoltar and the others banked to the northwest and headed for the Sea Talon beach and the edge of their territory.

“Hey.” A wing brushed against Zoltar’s side and he turned to see Nira gliding beside him.


Ohh this is going to be painful and interesting...

Zoltar smiled and found himself staring into her eyes. Those beautiful violet eyes.

“So how strange is that, to be investigating a Sea Talon sighting?” Nira stated.

Zoltar blinked, breaking from his haze, “I know. There hasn’t been anything like that since the end of the war.”

Nira’s gaze dropped, “That’s what I’m worried about.”


Well someone is definitely not paying attention to the potentially dangerous situation at hand there.

“I’m pretty sure it’s nothing though,” Zoltar quickly added. They never really spoke about the war anymore. Not since his and Nira’s parents had been killed in one of the Sea Talon battles.

That was why this report was so weird though. The Sea Talons and Shadow Talons had come to an uneasy truce fifteen years ago. The two tribes hadn’t seen or spoken a word to each other since then.


Hmm...like the bit of backstory that's been nicely injected in there...always a great touch and this is placed quite well.

“It was probably just someone’s eyes playing tricks on them.” Zoltar said, though even he didn’t really believe that.

“Let’s hope so.” Nira sighed before she flew a little way forward to talk to one of the other soldiers.

The flat plains were now slowly replaced by shallow hills as the figure of Mount Mokewtu grew ever distant. Bushes and the occasional tree now shared the earth with the long blades of grass that had carpeted the lowlands.


That's a lovely little transition in the description...

The sun was a wings breath from the ocean now, it’s golden rays dancing off the lapping waters. The beach was still a long way off though. It would be well past dark before they reached their destination.

Though that may be part of Hisster’s plan. With their night vision and the cover of darkness, the Shadow Talons would have a huge advantage over any Sea Talon. The intruder would probably be hiding somewhere near the shore, hoping that they could elude the Shadow Talons until sunrise.


Hmm....that definitely seems like a well thought out plan there, using the whole night vision thing to their advantage.

It was highly unlikely they’d stay hidden until morning though. With no families to get back too, he and the other Shadow Talons could stay out here as long as they needed.

Suddenly, a thundering boom shook the air around them, knocking the soldiers from the sky. They hit the ground, just as another blast shook the earth.

“What happened,” Hisster roared as the Shadow Talons tried to get to their paws, fighting the tremors that shot through the earth. Everyone was yelling as they tried to figure out what was going on.


Aaand here it comes....oh this is most definitely not going to be any good.

Zoltar looked around widely. Where was the attack coming from? That was when his eyes lock on the distant shadow of Mount Mokewtu.

A huge plume of smoke had erupted from the mountain, swallowing the welcoming blue of the sky with a thick choking cloud of death.

Bad. Bad. Very Very Bad.

Screams pierced the air around the group as the mountain's peak became ablaze with scarlet fire. Burning rocks of roaring flame fell from the now crimson sky, taking out many of the Shadow Talons that could be seen trying to escape the eruption.

Another deafening roar pierced the air and the Shadow Talons watched in horror as the entire north side of the Mount Mokewtu collapsed in a tsunami of molten rock and ash. Smoke roared from the great fissure, pouring out the mountain and up in another giant mushroom cloud. Lighting flashed in its depths as it spread, blotting out the last of the sun and sky. Any fleeing Shadow Talons were overtaken and engulfed by the pyroclastic flow. Not a sound broke the deafening howl of the volcano as it consumed the Shadow Talon city in a cloud of smoke and fire.


Awesome descriptions for the scene of description...but very much sad to see as well...ahh conflicting emotions here...the description for the eruption is just really nice but then you also realize the innocent dragons in there aren't making it out...ahh..this is a dangerous scene.

“No.” Zoltar whispered, crumpling like a wilting flower. His eyes were squeezed shut, but still the tears flowed. His chest hurt like something was squeezing every rib in his body. A strange chill had passed over him and he was shaking.

Everything, everyone was gone. His brother, all the dragonets, the whole tribe was gone.

All around him, the other Shadow Talons were staring at the mountain, their expressions a mixture of horror and grief.


Ahh...the dreaded scene, well not the most dreaded scene but a truly terrible scene all the same....this is not going to go well.

Blinking through the tears, Zoltar spied Nira amongst the soldiers. She was just standing there, her face as hard as stone. No emotion crossed her snout as she slowly sank to the ground. She curled up into a ball and covered her face with her wings. A quiet whimpering was all that could be heard from the ball of scales.

Zoltar turned back towards the mountain. Great plumes of smoke were still rising from the mountain as rivers of glowing orange lava streamed down its sides, but there was nothing left to destroy.


Great description again on the scenes of destruction here as always...part of what makes this scene really powerful.

Everything he cared about …his home… his family… his friends… were gone forever, lost to the volcano. What was he going to do now? There was nowhere to go. Even now as he stood here, ash was starting to rain down on the landscape around him. Nothing would survive.

A shaky gasp escaped his jaws as he surveyed what only a few minutes ago had been a thriving community. What was going to happen to him, Nira and the Shadow Talons left?

“Please tell me the evening hunting parties haven’t returned yet.”


I sense a spike of hope that just might get properly squashed...oh this is complete torture.

Zoltar slowly turned to find Hisster standing a few tail lengths away with Scorpus, his eyes filled with a ghostly despair.

“I’m afraid … they returned a few hours ago,” Scorpus whispered, his voice barley audible over the continual groan of the volcano.

Zoltar watched as his commander sank to the ground beside Hisster, grief stricken. Silent tears slowly trickled from the old warrior’s eyes. It was the first time Zoltar had ever seen him cry.


Yup, there comes to the torture.

Hisster didn’t say a word. He just stared out at the burning pools of lava. The light of the fires reflected into his eyes, causing them to shine a smouldering red. Zoltar couldn’t imagine how he must be feeling. He’d had a wife and three young dragonets. All had perished in the flames.

After what felt like an eternity, Hisster finally spoke, “We will stand vigil until darkness falls. Then we will begin the Dance of Ascension.”


Ahhhhhhhhhhh....this is my thoughts right....even knowing what's about to happen never really prepares you for a scene like this.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think well its definitely got a couple of improvements here and there and its just as good as it was the first time I read it...looking forward to more chapters as they come...

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




felistia says...


Thank you so much for another review. I'm loving doing this rewrite so far. My one chapter from the previous chapter has now become three. :D




The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
— Harold Coffin