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Young Writers Society



The Quest for Fire - Into the Mists - Chapter 35

by felistia


Zoltar turned in a slow circled as he scanned the shore, desperate to catch even a small glimpse of the Ice Talon. Ghostly white mist swirled over the lapping waves, the tendrils coiling through the pillars ringing the beach. It was hopeless. The heave fog made it almost impossible to see more than a few dragon lengths away. Felistia could be anywhere, her silvery scales causing her to melt into the haze.

“What’s up with you now?” Shiraku huffed, arching her eyes.

“It’s Felistia,” Zoltar said anxiously, “I haven’t seen or heard her since dawn.”

“So,” Shiraku shrugged, flicking the fish she’d caught from one talon to another, “She’s probably got caught up fishing. Besides, she could be standing a few columns away and you wouldn’t be able to make her out.”

“Still, she said she’d check how I was doing and it’s now midday. It’s been too long. Something must have happened.”

Shiraku gave him a sideways glance, before studying the surrounding pillars.

“Fine, we’ll have a quick look around,” she said finally, walking a few dragon lengths to toss the fish onto the beach, “but if it’s nothing and you’re wasting my time, I’m personally going to dunk you, wings and all.”

Zoltar recoiled back as she wadded past him, the splash from her tail spraying against his obsidian black scales. She snickered.

“You search the shore and I’ll look around the shallows. She can’t be far.” With that, she dove, sending a shower of water over him.

He sprang back, but not before it drenched his snout and neck. He flattened his ears, shaking the sea water from his scales.

Huffing to himself, he wadded up onto the sand. The grains clumped up and stuck to his soaking wet paws, itching and scratching all at the same time.

He groaned. There was a reason why he didn’t like to get wet.

Shaking his paws irritably, he sniffed the air. Maybe he could catch her scent.

The sharp smell of salt and rotting seaweed invaded his senses and he snorted, shaking his snout. There was no way he’d be able to track her like that.

He walked further along the beach, studying the wet sand for talon marks. If she’d left the water at any point, he should be able to see her paw prints.

“Any luck?” Shiraku blurted from the water when she saw him approach the shallows. She flashed her scales so he could make her out amidst the fog.

“No,” Zoltar replied, “You?”

“Nothing. I’ve swam from one side of the beach to the other and there’s nothing. She must be on the shore somewhere.”

Zoltar nodded, though his gut was twisting with nerves. Why would Felistia have run off without telling them? It wasn’t like her. Him and Shiraku maybe, but not her.

“Felistia!” Shiraku roared as she stepped out of the water.

“Shhhh,” Zoltar hissed, his back spines bristling at the sudden noise.

“Oh relax. There’s nothing about. Wisp Talons never come near the beach and the Death Grippers are mostly nocturnal. She’s properly just wondered off and lost track of time,” Shiraku said, shaking her scales dry.

Zoltar gritted his teeth, but didn’t argue with her as she led him further up the beach towards the neighboring forest. The sharp notes of song birds echoed out from between the trees, their calls distorting in the humid air.

Suddenly, a large creature crashed through the trees ahead of them, sending sand scattering as she swerved onto the beach.

Zoltar breathed a quiet sigh of relief when he recognized Felistia. She was alright.

“What happened? What’s wrong?” she huffed, running awkwardly up to them, the loose sand causing her to stumble as she neared.

“Where were you?” Shiraku roared, the scales along her wings blazing a brilliant white as she flared her wings, “We’ve been looking for you for the last hour!”

Felistia flinched back, guilt flashing over her snout, “I..I didn’t realize it had been that long. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to cause any alarm.”

Shiraku rolled her eyes, before smirking, “It’s fine. I wasn’t that worried.”

She batted Felistia playfully with her wing, “It was that one who was freaking out.”

She pointed a talon at Zoltar, who smiled bashfully.

“Well…I was...ah...just…ah,” he stumbled, fumbling at his talons as he stared at the ground.

“Aw, you’re too sweet,” Felistia crooned, giving him a nudge.

Zoltar grinned, still feeling a little sheepish.

“Anyway…what caused you to wonder off like that?” Shiraku interjected.

“Well…you’re going to think this is stupid…but I swear I heard an antelope in distress. I wasn’t having much luck fishing and so I thought I’d follow the sound. The cries stopped after I’d gone a far way into the forest. I hung around for a while after to see if I could find it, but there was no trace of it. Not even a struggle. I didn’t realize how long I’d been until I heard you guys,” Felistia explained, curling her tail over her talons as she sat down.

“It was quite strange now that I think about it. It didn’t sound quite right, like the calls had a weird clicking back note to it,” she shook her head, “Maybe I was just hearing things.”

“Well anyway, now that you’ve wasted an hour of my time, let’s get back to fishing,” Shiraku huffed, “We’ve barely caught enough to feed a dragonet, let alone three dragons.”

“Okay, I’m sorry,” Felistia laughed, getting to her paws.

“You coming Zoltar?” she asked after the Shadow Talon didn’t move.

“Um actually, I think I’ll pass on the fishing,” Zoltar said, rubbing his horns, “If you don’t mind, I’m going to try and see if I can find that deer.”

“But I looked and there’s nothing there.”

“I know, but I can track much better in the forest than you and besides, I’m awful at catching fish. Even if I don’t find the deer, I’ll try to catch something else,” Zoltar urged, already heading towards the forest.

“Well, okay then,” Felistia said, glancing at Shiraku, “We’ll meet you back at the cave then I guess.”

Zoltar nodded, not turning to look at them as he rushed into the trees.


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Thu Mar 03, 2022 7:02 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi felistia,

Mailice back with a short review! :D

While the previous chapter was so calm and relaxed, here we are on a different path again and I like the current development of the story. I was a little surprised at times at how some thoughts were set in motion in me as the chapter moved forward, partly in connection with Felistia.

One thing right off the bat that struck me, and which I'll elaborate on a bit later, is your attempt to indicate time. I was a bit puzzled that so much time had already passed on the beach and they were looking for Felistia for an hour or so. I found that with the current descriptions it felt like it was only a few minutes and I think it might help to extend some sections a bit longer, to fill in some things to better describe that period of time.

Since this is my only criticism in this chapter, let's move on to the other points that caught my eye. I think we have one of the first times here where Shiraku and Zoltar speak to each other in a normal tone. Even though you can still see some discord there, I really like how you manage to break the ice here, even if it's just something as simple as fishing. That's where I want to praise the dialogue, because it read really well.

Another thing that struck me, and gave me something to think about, is Felistia. I honestly found it a bit suspicious that she disappeared so easily because she heard an antelope, and I still have the feeling that there's going to be a betrayal or something. Felistia didn't seem so clumsy or absorbed in the previous chapters that I expected her to run away when she hears something unusual. But that's just my thought. In any case, though, I liked the setup of the quest here and how she was found again. :D

Other points I noticed while reading:

Zoltar turned in a slow circled as he scanned the shore, desperate to catch even a small glimpse of the Ice Talon. Ghostly white mist swirled over the lapping waves, the tendrils coiling through the pillars ringing the beach.

Very poetic and beautiful. I like the description.

“Still, she said she’d check how I was doing and it’s now midday. It’s been too long. Something must have happened.”

As already mentioned above and below, I think you definitely need to expand a bit more, so that the reader notices that a bit more time has passed.

He walked further along the beach, studying the wet sand for talon marks. If she’d left the water at any point, he should be able to see her paw prints.

You are moving quickly from an assumption to a conclusion here. It seems to me that a sentence is missing. Because it seems a bit strange to me.

“We’ve been looking for you for the last hour!”

I think you definitely need to write a bit more clearly that we've been looking there for an hour, because it didn't come across that way.

A chapter that leaves me with more questions than the previous one, which is a good thing as it again makes me feel like we are at a crossroads.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




felistia says...


Thank you for the review.

That part about Shiraku yelling that it's been an hour is a dramatization. It was only 15 minutes or so. I think I should have made that clearer.



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Wed Mar 02, 2022 2:00 pm
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Anamel wrote a review...



"Zoltar turned in a slow circled as he scanned the shore, desperate to catch even a small glimpse of the Ice Talon. Ghostly white mist swirled over the lapping waves, the tendrils coiling through the pillars ringing the beach. It was hopeless."
This opening scene is descriptive in a perfect way. You don't overload the sentence with too many details but enough for the reader to picture the setting. The only thing I wondered when reading this is if the weather was hot or cold, but that could be added in a later part of the story and not this paragraph in particular.

"The heave fog"
**Heavy


"arching her eyes."
This does sound a bit odd, I can't imagine how it would look for someone to arch their eyes. Did you mean squint? I would ask about eyebrows but I don't think these dragons have eyebrows lol.

" a few dragon lengths"
What's the difference between a dragon step and any other animal step? You could describe the step anyways as being graceful, a long stride, etc.

You don't have a lot of problems with grammar or pacing at all. The only critique I could think of is that the story may be a little predictable as to what happens. We know that Felistia wandered off, and that she'll come back. She tells the other dragons she thought the creature could've been an antelope but that it had a very weird call. Shiraku is going to the forest and he's going to encounter the creature, which is definitely not an antelope, and actually something very scary and unnatural.





Did you ever hear the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the wise? I thought not. It's not a story the Jedi would tell you. It's a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life... He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. He became so powerful... the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. It's ironic he could save others from death, but not himself.
— RazorSharpPencil