Hi felistia,
Mailice back with a short review!
While the previous chapter was so calm and relaxed, here we are on a different path again and I like the current development of the story. I was a little surprised at times at how some thoughts were set in motion in me as the chapter moved forward, partly in connection with Felistia.
One thing right off the bat that struck me, and which I'll elaborate on a bit later, is your attempt to indicate time. I was a bit puzzled that so much time had already passed on the beach and they were looking for Felistia for an hour or so. I found that with the current descriptions it felt like it was only a few minutes and I think it might help to extend some sections a bit longer, to fill in some things to better describe that period of time.
Since this is my only criticism in this chapter, let's move on to the other points that caught my eye. I think we have one of the first times here where Shiraku and Zoltar speak to each other in a normal tone. Even though you can still see some discord there, I really like how you manage to break the ice here, even if it's just something as simple as fishing. That's where I want to praise the dialogue, because it read really well.
Another thing that struck me, and gave me something to think about, is Felistia. I honestly found it a bit suspicious that she disappeared so easily because she heard an antelope, and I still have the feeling that there's going to be a betrayal or something. Felistia didn't seem so clumsy or absorbed in the previous chapters that I expected her to run away when she hears something unusual. But that's just my thought. In any case, though, I liked the setup of the quest here and how she was found again.
Other points I noticed while reading:
Zoltar turned in a slow circled as he scanned the shore, desperate to catch even a small glimpse of the Ice Talon. Ghostly white mist swirled over the lapping waves, the tendrils coiling through the pillars ringing the beach.
Very poetic and beautiful. I like the description.
“Still, she said she’d check how I was doing and it’s now midday. It’s been too long. Something must have happened.”
As already mentioned above and below, I think you definitely need to expand a bit more, so that the reader notices that a bit more time has passed.
He walked further along the beach, studying the wet sand for talon marks. If she’d left the water at any point, he should be able to see her paw prints.
You are moving quickly from an assumption to a conclusion here. It seems to me that a sentence is missing. Because it seems a bit strange to me.
“We’ve been looking for you for the last hour!”
I think you definitely need to write a bit more clearly that we've been looking there for an hour, because it didn't come across that way.
A chapter that leaves me with more questions than the previous one, which is a good thing as it again makes me feel like we are at a crossroads.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
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