Hiya felistia! I’m here having read the prologue and the first two or three chapters, plus the one right before this one.
First Impressions
This chapter definitely leaves me feeling a bit tense. Just like how Zoltar’s inner thoughts are full of questions, I’m left thinking along the same lines and wondering what Zoltar will find out and what he will do about it. I like when characters’ prior beliefs are challenged, so the moment where Zoltar tries to make sense of the Wisp Talons’ behaviour was really interesting to me. This seems like a really complex situation he’s in. As a side note, having hopped from the early chapters to here, it’s also a bit of a ‘yikes’ observation that almost every named character from the first chapter is now dead.
Characters
Something I like about the characterisation is how you describe the characters expressing themselves with movement.
He jabbed a wing in Zoltar’s direction, “If he doesn’t want that to happen, then he should leave.”
I like how the wing-jabbing conveys the hostility between the characters, even though Jasper isn’t necessarily trying to harm Zoltar in this moment.
From what I can tell, Emerald is a more idealistic and perhaps ‘braver’ character than Jasper is. Jasper seems more jaded, viewing her as naïve and himself being protective of her. I feel like the theme of maturation plays into these two characters, with the tensions between ‘the older’ and ‘the younger’. I think that Jasper deciding to trust Emerald near the end shows an interesting nuance and perhaps a positive development in their relationship, though I do wish I’d had some sense of what exactly changed his mind.
“Look, if you’re going to act like that, then maybe you should leave,” Emerald growled, stepping away from Jasper, “I’ve made up my mind. Besides, it’s what Topaz would have wanted. She died trying to help our tribe. You can’t give up because of her death. I’m not.”
Jasper gave her a beseeching look, his paws out stretched towards her, “Emerald. I…”
This part makes me think that perhaps Emerald’s argument here that she’s fulfilling Topaz’s argument was what convinced him, but the description of Jasper’s reaction doesn’t really convey that. To me, it seems more like he’s just upset that she’s going anyway, if that makes sense.
Setting and Flow
Something I noticed was that the descriptions of the setting seem to be scanter in this chapter than the last. For me, at least, the setting helped me orient myself with regards to the characters and helped me imagine the scene more. Furthermore, without the setting description, the ‘flow’ of this chapter seems to be more abrupt. I felt like the conflict between Emerald and Jasper was just one ‘move’ after another and that things didn’t have enough time to sink in before someone already seemed to be changing their mind.
Besides, given that this is a fantasy setting involving dragons (!!) I think the descriptions of the physicality are a big draw. For example, I loved how you described the Wisp Talons’ changing colours.
“I knew it,” a dragon growled. Rocks tumbled down the mountainside as the Wisp Talon landed, their billowing wings flushed crimson red.
The details of rocks falling down help emphasise the power and fury of the dragon, as well as the colour connotations with red here.
Overall
Though as I said it feels a bit abrupt at times, I like the ideas that this chapter is raising. The fact that there’s still new and interesting reveals this deep in your story is a great sign, I think! I’m curious to see what Zoltar will find out about the Wisp Talons and the Death Grippers in the coming chapters and how the characters will develop from there.
Also, let me know if there’s anything specific you’d like feedback on for this story. I’m planning to go through the chapters that are in the Green Room currently, as well as likely any future chapters you publish here, so it’d be great to know if there’s a topic you’d find particularly useful to get feedback on. C:
Hope this helps, feel free to ask for more feedback!
-Lim
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Reviews: 542
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