The Quest for Fire - Into the Mists - Chapter 9

Hi felistia,

Mailice here with a short review!

Honestly; it's very hard to find anything in this chapter that you could change or that isn't good enough. It already feels very built up and you give the reader a very good combination of your wonderful descriptions here with a much improved escape scene, (compared to the chapter where Zoltar and Nira fight the Shyfu.) Let's jump in:

Still Zoltar couldn't shake the feeling of being stalked. He could feel his scales crawl under the invisible eyes of those watching him. It didn't help that the sound of creatures rustling and scuttling around them seemed to be increasing with the sinking of the sun. Something was up.

You not only build up a great scenery (as usual) with your descriptions, but also an interesting way to present a kind of security that is slowly crumbling in this passage quoted here. It's a very good tension builder and the reader is really just waiting for something bad to happen.

The night creatures were starting to play their eerie songs, the shaky notes bouncing through the damp air.

I think this is my little highlight of this chapter. It reads so wonderfully and surpasses your other descriptions.

There was nothing to make the foliage move.

Great inclusion of a synonym.

Camouflage! That's what Hisster had said.

In the previous section there was a short note where Zoltar tries to remember what Hisster told him about the Wisp Talons. There I thought it was fine that it was not presented as a train of thought, but as "narrative text". Here, however, I would present these two sentences as Zoltar's train of thought, because it just doesn't feel right here that it comes from the narrator.

Sticks and stones flew from under his claws.

I like it when writers use rhetorical devices, like alliteration in this case. It's always something that rolls off the tongue well when one reads it.

I like how you portray in this chapter how the false security breaks down, and the plot develops. The whole scene of the escape and the "fight" between Zoltar and the Wisp Talon felt very good and alive. Plot-wise, I like how the chapter revolves around just that one scene where Scorpus dies and Zoltar and Nira are forced to flee. It's a good start for the chapter to come.


As written, I can't really say anything needs to be changed in this chapter. It was already very good.

Have fun writing!

Mailice.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm baaack....ahh...this chapter will destroy me...but here I am to try and power through it...

First Impression: Well...here it is...that fateful injury...oh well...this is painful but...I have made it to the other and at least its not this one where the worst happens...and well...of course that chase sequence there and the foreshadowing for the severity of Nira's injury has just been really well done here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Vivid blades of honey gold streaked through the forest canopy, the dappled light waving over the forest floor. An evening wind had begun to blow, the colors of the forest slowly growing dim as the sun dipped behind the distant mountains.

The small band of dragons crept through the trees, their muscles tense and ears pricked for danger. They’d been walking for almost an hour, but still there was not a trace of the Wisp Talon Tribe or any other dragons for that matter.

Hmm...a lovely bit of description to start things off...and well here begins the part where these three get lulled into a false sense of security before they get ambushed and then..ahhhh

The only signs of life were the occasional crack of a twig or rustle of leaves as something scuttled over them. Zoltar was sure they were being followed and would find himself looking over his wing constantly, but there was nothing there. No foreign scents disturbed the familiar smell of the forest.

Ahh...Zoltar's instincts still as strong as ever I see....xD

till Zoltar couldn’t shake the feeling of being stalked. He could feel his scales crawl under the invisible eyes of those watching him. It didn’t help that the sound of creatures rustling and scuttling around them seemed to be increasing with the sinking of the sun. Something was up.

“Sir,” Zoltar finally said, unable to bare the silence anymore, “Don’t you think we should look for a place to rest soon?”

Well...that's definitely a good plan...just generally getting as far away from this place as possible is a good idea...

Nira flinched at the sudden noise and let out an involuntary hiss before realizing that it was Zoltar.

Scorpus’s back spines also flared, but he flattened them quickly before turning to Zoltar, “Soon Zoltar. I want to continue a little further though. I can smell fresh water a few miles away and want to check it out. Besides, it will be easier to get into the air in open ground and I don’t really feel like getting my wings scratched up trying to climb these trees.”

Zoltar nodded, though his talons still prickled with nerves.

Noo...there goes bad decision number two...the path to their demise has begun...and wow I sound more ominous than I thought I did...xD

Scorpus continued on a little way ahead of Zoltar and Nira, the dry leaves rustling ever so slightly under his claws.

The night creatures were starting to play their eerie songs, the shaky notes bouncing through the damp air. The forest was almost black now. The moon had yet to rise and the only thing preventing Zoltar from being completely blind was his extraordinary night vision.

Well that night vision comes in handy quite often now, doesn't it..xD

Suddenly some movement off to his right caught his eye. It was so slight he almost missed it, but for just a moment he swore he’d seen the tip of a tail snake beneath the branches.

Zoltar shook his head, staring at the spot. For all he knew it could have been some leaves blowing in the wind… except there was no wind. The breeze from before had died off a few minutes ago. There was nothing to make the foliage move. Something was there.

Ahh...here we go...the tension being built up the situation that follows is very well on point as always. I already know what to expect xD but otherwise for someone reading this without that knowledge, this really does do a wonderful job of slowing revealing that something terrible is about to happen.

“Guys,” he hissed, crouching with his wings flared out. Nira and Scorpus looked sharply over at him. He bared his fangs and nodded towards where the movement had come from. But what had moved only a moment ago now looked like a clump of bushes, unmoving and still in the cool night air.

“What is it?” Nira hissed, her spikes bristling. Her amethyst eyes seemed to glowing in the ever darkening shadows of the forest as she approached.

Oh dear...he we go...Zoltar makes the first move...

Don’t move,” Zoltar whispered, curling his barbed tail in preparation to strike, “We’re being stalked.”

“Are you sure?” Scorpus asked, scenting the air, “I can’t smell anything. Are you sure you didn’t imagine it? The shadows can play tricks on you.”

Oh but these shadows can also kill you.

“Maybe,” Zoltar said, his back still arched as he slunk over to the bush. He swatted it with his paw, but his talons only met leaves and twigs. He stepped back, cocking his head, “I swear I saw something though.”

“It might have been a rodent or small bird?” Nira suggested, brushing up against him reassuringly.

Oh no its definitely not either one of those...

“Maybe, but I don’t think so. It looked bigger than that. Like a tail,” Zoltar growled, looking back over his shoulder.

Who knew what was out there, watch them from the shadows? Just because they hadn’t seen anything didn’t mean there was nothing out there.

Zoltar is literally the only person trying to think this through at this point...ahh...they were always doomed from the start weren't they....everyone else seems to have forgotten about the Wisp Talons and their signature camouflage strategy.

Zoltar racked his brain. What had Hisster told him about the Wisp Talons?

The forest seemed shrouded in darkness thick enough to touch. Shadows appeared distorted and the ever louder moans of the night creatures seemed to be warping in the cooling air.

Camouflage! That’s what Hisster had said. The Wisp Talons could camouflage. One must have slipped out of hiding for just a moment and that’s what he’d seen. For all they knew they could be surrounded by the creatures.

Well there comes the revelation...definitely too little too late...but at least he was smart enough to figure it out even thought its mere moments before disaster.

Zoltar spun around. “Scorpus, we….” he never got to finish the sentence.

There was a sharp whistle and a flash as a spear hurtled through the air and landed with a sickening thud in Scorpus’s side. He let out an ear piercing roar, staggering to the side as blood began pouring from the wound.

And that is one down, one to go....oh dear....the next part will...hurt....

At the same moment a creature materialized from the trees and streaked forward, grabbing Scorpus by the throat, throwing him to the ground.

Zoltar watched in horror for a moment as Scorpus stiffed and went still.

“Run,” he roared, pushing Nira ahead of him as he broke into a full sprint.

Yup...that dude dead...and oh no...I'll just go get my tissues out here...I think the worst part is in the next chapter but you never know...

A volley of spears ripped through the air around them, but all missed their mark as they ducked and dodged this way and that through the tangled undergrowth. Branches reached out with their clawed fingers, grabbing at the wings of the two dragons bolting through the forest.

Zoltar’s heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest as he bolted through a patch of bushes alongside Nira. Sticks and stones flew from under his claws. Creepers snatched at his wings and tail like a nest of serpents and gnarled tree roots threatened to trip him with every step.

Ahh those descriptions there of the last part where the jungle itself appears to be alive and trying to stop their escape is just really well done here...you do a really job of getting us into the kind of mindset that Nira and Zoltar must be in at this point when they're trying to get away.

A giant log loomed out of the darkness like a predator cutting off their escape. He and Nira leapt over the fallen tree, their paws barely clearing the trunk as they landed with a heavy thud on the other side.

Blood curdling roars filled the air around him, vibrated through his skull and body. The thunder of many paws hitting the earth echoed from behind him, growing louder by the second. The trees shook around him and Nira as invisible dragons leapt through the branches gaining ground with each passing second.

Aaand the chase is on....I have a bad feeling that fatal attack to Nira has already happen somehow...I'm not too sure...but I saw claws..and ahhh...this is terrifying to read.

Zoltar risked a quick glance over his wing and instantly regretted it. The first blade of moonlight had sliced through the canopy above, illuminating a dark figure as it shot over the log he’d just jumped.

In those few fleeting seconds he made out the thin shape of a snake like dragon as it sprung over the trunk, its long fangs exposed as it screamed its blood thirst call. It disappeared again as soon as the shadows hit it, cloaking it once again in darkness, but Zoltar had seen enough. It was a Wisp Talon. More shrieks filled the forest behind the dragon as more creatures leapt the log.

Yup...they find out about the Wisp Talons alright...of course poor Zoltar ends up having to pay a very hefty price for that information.

“Nira, we have to take off! They’re catching up,” Zoltar roared as he hurtled through the undergrowth. His claws thudded against the wet earth like rocks, but still he ran, urging himself to go faster.

“We need to reach the lake. Scorpus said it wasn’t far.” Nira called, her voice raw, “They’ll catch us if we try to climb!”

Well...whatever you do....all you need to do is get out...far away...and never come back...

Zoltar felt a sharp pain at the mention of his commander, but he pushed it aside, “We have no choice. They’ll catch us before we get there. We’ll have to climb.”

Zoltar flung open his wings as he leapt for the trees. Nira was just behind him as they reached the lower branches and desperately began to climb, tearing through the foliage in their panic to escape. Thorns scraped at his wings, ripping long bleeding gashes in the membranes, but Zoltar didn’t care. All he wanted was to get up into the sky and out of the trees.

Well you can definitely see his desperation there by the fact that he doesn't care about his wings getting all ripped up by the thorns in the branches.

Their pursuers had disappeared, melting back into the darkness of the forest, but Zoltar could hear them as they darted through the branches below them, screeching with delight at the thrill of the hunt. They were still gaining.

Finally they broke through the canopy. They sprang skyward, their claws racking the air as they beat their wings. Silvery moonlight washed over them, filling Zoltar with a moment of relief.

Oh now...I recognize this part...the one where you tease us with them having gotten away scot free but the next part is...

He thought they’d gotten away, but just as he was about to level out into a flight path away from the forest, a serpent like figure burst from the leaves, lunging with its fangs bared towards Nira’s tail. They sank between the scales as the Wisp Talon drove it’s fangs through her hide.

Nira roared, but didn’t lose height as she twisted around to throw the creature off. Snarling, she snapped her jaws closed on one of the Wisp Talons flapping wings, driving her teeth straight through the webbing.

And there we goo...the end is nigh....ahhh...well good thing I brought my tissues....hmm..also some pretty good combat tactics by Nira there...not allowing herself to be thrown off by the stupid thing trying to bite here.

The creature hissed angrily, but only clamped down harder on her tail.

At the sound of their comrade’s growl, more Wisp Talons shot from the canopy, their black wings spread. Like giant winged snakes they streaked through the air to join their leader.

“Nira keep climbing,” Zoltar cried as he doubled back. Summoning the heat within him, Zoltar fired a red hot fire ball from his jaws. It collided with the Wisp Talon hanging from Nira’s tail. The creature let go with a shriek as it plummeted into the forest below, smoking.

There..you go...hopefully that thing burned to death for the tragedy its about to cause here.

The moon was now full and bright in the sky, its ghostly light illuminating the pack of Wisp Talons as they streaked through the air.

“We have to lose them in the mist,” Zoltar shouted as he and Nira raced towards the ever nearing pillars.

Well here come the pillars of doom...no Wisp talon is going to cross through those.

Nira was gasping beside him, but she kept level as they plunged into the mists of the maze. The shrieks and screams of the Wisp Talons faded as they sped through the maze, dodging groping pillars as they flew.

Only once they’d excited the maze did they slow to a steady glide over the ocean. The deserted island was just a few miles away. They could rest there.

Zoltar breathed a shaky sigh of relief. They’d made it.

Oh no they haven't...no they haven't ahhh....nuu...its gonna be smack in the middle of that next chapter, isn't it. Well....you do a wonderful job setting up that tragic event here....although I really wish that didn't have to happen...*runs off to cry*

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall...another lovely chapter here...setting up the main tragedy of this book...well...that's all I have to say for today...until next time...when its....that chapter.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry