Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...we're finally at the quest and I am very excited to see how this goes here....Its already so different that I'm wondering if some things will even happen the same way...at any rate, this is a nice set up here towards the scenes with the Wisp Talons to come.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The sky glowed a fiery crimson in the light of a new dawn. Trails of dark ash streamed from Mount Mokewtu, the mountain growling menacingly as another tremor shook it.

Oooh...even the mountain seems to know something crazy is about to take place there...a pretty neat atmosphere there to really set the mood for the part that's about to come here.

Zoltar dug his claws into the sand as the ground trembled beneath him. He could never grow used to the frequent quakes imitated from the volcano. Each one was as terrifying as the last.

Well considering how traumatizing the initial eruption must have been you can't blame him at all for being scared of the fresh tremors.

He felt the reassuring brush of Hisster’s tail against his own and he looked over at the chief. Although Hisster did a good job of hiding it, Zoltar knew he must find the earthquakes disturbing. After four years, the mountain should have stilled and yet, it was as active as the first week it had erupted. No one spoke about it anymore, but Zoltar knew it weighed heavily on everyone’s minds.

Hmm...that is an interesting detail there for a volcano to be active for quite that long after an eruption...the problems that the Shadow Talon tribe has to deal with just never seems to have an end does it?

Hisster nodded his snout towards the sky and Zoltar followed his gaze. Soaring in from the west were three Ghost Talons, their silvery wings glowing copper in the early morning light.

And there they come....this should be an interesting departure here..

Zoltar felt his stomach clinch. It was almost time.

He’d spent most of the evening before and some of this morning preparing. The thick leather pouch hanging from his neck carried a little food for the journey and some herbs. Though it was the Shadow Talon Stone tucked away in the scaly fold behind his neck that weighed heavily on his mind.

Oooh...that little fold coming into a play a bit earlier in this story I see......also looks like this time the piece they need from the Shadow Talons is being kept with Zoltar from the very beginning...I don't think the obsidian was with him when he started the quest in the previous draft was it?

Hisster didn’t trust the Ghost Talons any more than him and had instructed him not to reveal the Stone or it’s hiding place to Sidious. The pouch between a Shadow Talons shoulders was a closely guarded secret. None of the tribes knew of it and it was to stay that way. It was the only advantage they had over the Ghost Talons.

Good plan there, keeping any bargaining chip they have as safe as possible for as long as possible is always a good plan for surviving what's to come next.

Zoltar hoped the fact that he couldn’t get a Shadow Talon Stone would be enough keep Sidious from stabbing him in the back along their journey. Well, at least until they got the Ruby.

Oh yes...once you give them what they want, you have to imagine people as slimy and backstabby as the Ghost Talons would just turn on them...or who knows...they might actually help...we'll see I suppose. Zoltar erring on the side of caution however is the best way forward here for him.

A flurry of wings beats filled the air as Sidious and his two Ghost Talon companions landed a few dragon lengths from them.

Zoltar watched warily as Sidious leaned over and whispered something to one of the guards, before flashing his teeth in a false smile as he approached.

Ahh...here come Sidious the Hideous...sorry...but that was just...waiting to be used...and I suppose those ones are to guard him in case the Shadow Talons tried to trap him or something..but he's going to accompany Zoltar alone.

“I take it you have come to a decision?” Sidious flicked out his tongue as he eyed them, his blood red eyes coming to rest on Zoltar.

Zoltar resisted the urge to growl under the dragon’s looming gaze.

Gotta save those growls for later there Zoltar...they'll come in handy much later down the line...just don't try to make the guy mad this early into the quest.

“Yes,” Hisster said, holding his wings back as he looked Sidious in the eye, “Zoltar here has made the necessary preparations and is ready to begin the Quest. All we are waiting for are the Stones Krakatoa promised.”

Sidious huffed, yellow smoke curled from his snout, “Very well. I suppose that have your Stone in there?”

Well he seems to be relatively cooperative at least at the start of the quest here...that's a good sign...he'll be at least a little bit easier to live with before Zoltar can get some much better companions.

He gestured to the pouch around Zoltar’s neck before reaching into his own to pull out the three Stones.

Hisster nodded as he took the Stones from Sidious. He examined them briefly and handed them over to Zoltar.

Okay...Zoltar's officially got a bunch of stones now...let's hope he doesn't drop them somewhere....

Tucking the Stones into his pouch, Zoltar was very aware of Sidious gaze lingering on him. He silently thanked Hisster for the decision to hide the Shadow Talon Stone.

“Well then, no need to wait around,” Sidious said after a moment, leering at Zoltar as he spread his wings, “Let’s get going.”

Well there comes the leering...oh dear...this guy is just going to be the worst travelling companion in history isn't he? At least dealing with the Wisp Talon attacks might be easier...that is Hidious...I mean Sidious doesn't just abandon Zoltar whenever anything attacks them.

Clutching the pouch around his neck anxiously, Zoltar glanced back at Hisster, the magnitude of what he was about to take on suddenly hitting him. He was really doing this.

Hisster gave him a reassuring nod, a faint smile crossing his snout as he watched Zoltar walk out across the sand after Sidious.

Well...Hisster appears to be proud of Zoltar for taking this on there...or at least I hope that's what the smile means...if he's smiling about Zoltar having to leave...we need a whole lot more suspicious about his motives here..

Taking a deep breath, Zoltar took to the sky. The morning sun bounced off his obsidian black scales as he arched north, following Sidious out and away from the Shadow Lands.

And off we goo...once more....to a quest that's a lot more different that what it once was...but also somehow still the same....

The early morning sun danced off the crystal blue waters below as Zoltar and Sidious soared over the Sea Talon archipelago. Dozens of small islands and rocky outcrops dotted the ocean below, many covered in overgrown grass and wildflowers. Dark shapes swam between the pillars, their figures distorted by the rippling waters.

Hmm...well...that's the place where they yell insults I suppose and they have to fly up very high....I'm assuming Ghost Talons have no problem keeping up with Zoltar and his flying ability.

A few Sea Talons lay stretched out on the small island beaches, their turquoise scales shimmering like blue pearls in the sun.

Zoltar felt a cold chill run down his spines. He could feel the eyes of those below follow him as he flew overhead. He always hated flying through Sea Talon territory.

Yup...Zoltar, you already told us that a few times.

He glanced over at Sidious. The Ghost Talon hadn’t said a word since they’d left the Shadow Lands.

Zoltar gulped, swallowing the lump that was building in his throat. Should he say something?

Well this is now just reminding me of the awkwardness that comes with working with that one person you don't really know and neither one of you knows what to say and ahh..everything is dead silent.

He should at least ask where they were going. Sidious seemed to know, but hadn’t cared to share it with him. From the looks of it, it seemed like they were headed for Moon Talon territory. Beyond that Zoltar wasn’t sure.

Hmm...oooh...Sidious is leading the mission this time I see...okayy...this is interesting...to see that Zoltar is now just following him to wherever the Ghost talon takes him...it kind of does bring across the fact that this is an action he's forced to do by the ghost talons across pretty neatly though.

He looked over at him again and nearly missed a wing beat in fright. Sidious was staring at him intently, his pupils narrow slits. The older dragon observed him for a few moments before turning back to watch the horizon.

Hmm...well that went from awkward staring contest to scary staring contest, very, very quickly there.

Zoltar tried compose himself. This wouldn’t do. The two of them were going to be working together for a few weeks, if not longer. He was going to have to get used to the Ghost Talon.

Taking in a deep breath to calm himself, he asked, “Where are we going first?”

He felt stupid the moment he said it. He sounded like a dragonet.

Well that's a very relatable feeling there...feeling very stupid for being the person that actually breaks the silence...the poor guy has to deal with all the pressure of that on top of all the already existing pressure from having to do this very difficult quest.

Sidious huffed, but didn’t turn to face him, “We’ll head to the Wisp Talon Island first.”

Zoltar’s heart fluttered in his chest at the mention of the Wisp Talons, “Why would you want to start there? Surely it would be easier to try the Wind Talons first?”

Hmm, on the very bright side here...what this is doing is giving a reason for the order that Zoltar ends up obtaining things in so...that is a lovely addition, it wasn't much of a plot hole or anything but with this it just makes the whole plot just that little bit stronger.

Sidious looked back at him, a pitying expression on his snout, “No. It would be a waste of energy to start with the easiest Stones. You are at the peak of your strength right now and so should start with the hardest task. The Wisp Talon’s Stone will be the most challenging to obtain. You know as well as I do that negation is out of the question with that tribe. You will have to steal it. Once you have achieved that task, we can move onto an easier tribe.”

Hidious...I mean Sidious...ahh this is hard to keep track of ...does have a pretty valid point there...as much as he's not very likeable you do have to acknowledge that the dude does know how to do a difficult mission.

He beat his wings to get further ahead, ending the conversation as he went.

Zoltar stared at the rolling waters below. He again felt like a dragonet. Sidious was even treating him like one.

Well compared to Sidious he kind of is one I suppose.

He should have known they were headed for the Island. They were taking the same route he usually took. Not to mention that what Sidious had said was correct and he as a soldier should have thought of it too.

Acknowledging that Sidious was in fact correct...you do have to like Zoltar for taking the advice of even the dragons that he doesn't like...cause that's a sign of a successful dragon there.

Things were only going to go downhill from here. He wasn’t going to get stronger as the Quest went on, he was going to grow weaker. There for starting with the hardest task made sense. After all, what was the point of getting the other two Stones only to fall short on the last? It would be pointless.

It definitely would be...not to mention he would probably be dead which would do nobody any sort of good at all.

He sighed, fumbling at the pouch around his neck. Maybe things would get better once they got to the island?

He shook his head. He was kidding himself.

It kind of will...you'll have more friendly faces to talk to...well once you manage to befriend them that is...that's not gonna happen overnight...and I can't imagine either of the dragons will be too thrilled with Zoltar's companion and that will probably complicate things even more here....

Sidious didn’t respect him in the slightest and was heavily hinting that he was on his own when it came to stealing the Wisp Talon Stone.

Then there were the Wisp Talons to deal with. How was he going to last a night on the island? Let alone somehow find their village and steal a Stone?

No, things weren’t going to get better. The worst was still ahead of him.

Well...that's a very cheerful ending to that chapter ...it certainly does lay bare all the challenges that Zoltar is potentially going to have to face in the next few chapters and just sets them up nicely here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, quite a solid chapter there as always, I'm loving the changes again...for the most part they seem to be making this already wonderful even better and more complete...and well...as always I can't wait to see what's to come next.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi felistia,

Mailice here with a short review!

That was a very interesting chapter. We probably won't see (or read ) Hisster again for a while, which I think is a shame. But I hope he doesn't just sit idly by, but also acts. Zoltar's adventure begins now and I can't wait to see what happens next!

It's an anticipation and a worry that wells up inside me because I don't know how the story will continue. It is this tension that makes me breathe a sigh of relief when something good finally happens for Zoltar again. You build a good arc and I like how there is finally an ending and a new beginning here. It's like the first chapters are all just a kind of prologue for the big adventure and you provide a good beginning for the first "big chapter" with this chapter. Because so much can still change and so much can happen on the journey, you keep the reader on their toes by giving away very little information. I think that's a great way to go about it and I also think it's well written, because despite the many questions you create, you don't overdo it or entice the reader with them, but "put them aside" until the moment comes.

The only criticism I have is that during the second half, some sections were too short and therefore it felt like you were jumping too much from one point to another without making a good transition. I think you could expand some points and give new descriptions of the landscape or of Zoltar's inner life.

Some other points I found while reading:

The sky glowed a fiery crimson in the light of a new dawn.

I already like the way this chapter begins. With the end of the sentence, you manage to insert an ambiguous meaning. Whether it was intentional or not, it doesn't matter; I like it.

Trails of dark ash streamed from Mount Mokewtu, the mountain growling menacingly as another tremor shook it.

I would split this sentence into two, because it doesn't fit somehow, just with a comma. Or insert a semicolon to make it more "readable".

Zoltar dug his claws into the sand as the ground trembled beneath him. He could never grow used to the frequent quakes imitated from the volcano. Each one was as terrifying as the last.

I like how you transition to Zoltar after the introduction, and it picks up where it leaves off. After the tragedy he went through, I like that you put in this point that is the trigger for all his problems since then.

Zoltar felt his stomach clinch. It was almost time.

You manage very well to describe Zoltar's feelings up to this point and also to move the plot along in parts. What I like is how you summarise all his emotions in one sentence and thus set the plot / the ball rolling. I think the sentence expresses a lot, and I think that as a reader you can empathise with him when he goes on an unpleasant journey, like a visit to the doctor or something.

Shadow Talon Stone would be enough keep Sidious from stabbing him

I think there´s a “to” missing before “keep”.

Hisster gave him a reassuring nod, a faint smile crossing his snout as he watched Zoltar walk out across the sand after Sidious.
Taking a deep breath, Zoltar took to the sky. The morning sun bounced off his obsidian black scales as he arched north, following Sidious out and away from the Shadow Lands.

I find this farewell very short and think it could have been extended. At the same time, I think that this brevity makes it good, because Hisster and Zoltar are not showing inferiority or weakness to Sidious, but apathy that will perhaps come in handy later.

The early morning sun danced off the crystal blue waters below as Zoltar and Sidious soared over the Sea Talon archipelago. Dozens of small islands and rocky outcrops dotted the ocean below, many covered in overgrown grass and wildflowers. Dark shapes swam between the pillars, their figures distorted by the rippling waters.

This is another one of your typical great descriptions that I love to read. I may be reading too much into this, but not only do I love it as a landscape, I think it could also represent Zoltar's head a bit; all his thoughts are scattered and barely connected. He doesn't know what's on the other side, like the animals on the islands who might not even know they have a neighbour.

No. It would be a waste of energy to start with the easiest Stones. You are at the peak of your strength right now and so should start with the hardest task. The Wisp Talon’s Stone will be the most challenging to obtain. You know as well as I do that negation is out of the question with that tribe. You will have to steal it. Once you have achieved that task, we can move onto an easier tribe.

I like the idea behind it and have respect for Sidious, at the same time, I had the feeling when he talked about Zoltar's "peak of strength" that he might get badly hurt, or even lose something, like one of his paws....

In summary, it was a really good starting chapter in the Quest. There's something ominous about it and I think, based on your descriptions of the landscape, the chapter makes for an interesting mix of beauty and worry.

Have fun writing!

Mailice