Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm baaack...to leave another review!! Honestly I need to change this up a bit, you're prolly bored of reading this now.

First Impression: Well...another pretty awesome chapter this one. I do like how Hisster tries what he knows to give Zoltar some advice there...and looks like these two are going to go off to meet those scary ones and get that quest offered to them now.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The fires from Mount Mokewtu burned bright against the starless sky as Zoltar soared into the Shadow Lands. The jagged cracks ripping through the ground seemed to fly with him as he tore through the air.

Landing on the blackened sand, he raced into the tunnels. He kept his eyes locked on the passage way ahead as he passed his cave. He couldn’t look at it. Not right now. The only thing keeping him together right now was his mission. If he stopped, he’d have to face what had happened and then everything would come crashing down. No, he couldn’t do that. Not yet.

Gritting his teeth, he kept his head down until he got to the throne room. Hisster was scanning through some scrolls perched on a ledge carved from the rock wall. He looked up, startled as Zoltar burst in.

Zoltar screeched to a halt and hurriedly bowed, sweeping his wings to the ground.

“Zoltar?” Hisster walked over, scanning the tunnel from where Zoltar had just come, “You’re back soon. I wasn’t expecting you three for another day at least.”

A few seconds past and a grim look settled over Hisster face, “Where are the others?”

Zoltar stood up, folding his wings in as he bit down on the emotions roaring beneath the surface, “They didn’t make it.” He managed, afraid to say more for fear of his voice breaking.

Hisster was quiet for moment as the reality of what Zoltar had said dawned on him.

“Ohh,’ Hisster murmured, a look of guilt flashing across his eyes, “I’m…sorry for your loss.”

Zoltar looked away for a moment, clinching his talons as he tried to resist the rising urge to roar, to let free the pain that was tearing away inside him.

“It’s not your fault,” he final said, taking in a shaky breath. What else could he say? He couldn’t blame Hisster for what had happened. It wasn’t like he’d know about the Wisp Talons’ venom. He hadn’t even known that there were dragons on the island. That had been the whole point of the mission; to find out if there was a tribe there. It had been a devastating, but unforeseeable mistake. It wasn’t the first and probably wouldn’t be the last. It was the reality that they lived in every day.

Hisster lowered his eyes as he walked over to Zoltar.

“The pain will pass with time,” he said as he laid a paw on Zoltar’s shoulder reassuringly, “Just…..don’t dwell on it. It will start to mess with your head, make you want to do terrible things.”

He trailed off, his eyes seeming to stare off into the distance for a moment before he shook out his wings and stepped away.

“I know it’s hard to talk about,” Hisster said as he pulled down the burnt Wisp Talon scroll, “but I need to know what happened. Otherwise, I can’t decide what to do next.”

Zoltar nodded. Hisster was right.

Steeling himself, he began to explain; the Wisp Talons, the ambush, Scorpus’s death, their escape and Nira’s death. The whole time remaining as cold and removed from the events as possible. It was almost like someone else was telling the story as he watched from a distance.

“…and that’s where I buried her. Scorpus’s bones are still somewhere on the island, but I saw him make his journey with Nira. They are with the ancestors’ now.” Zoltar whispered as he finished recounting what had happened.

He looked up to find that Hisster’s face had darkened and his tail was lashing dangerously.

“So… they’re venomous,” he hissed quietly as he scrawled a quick note in the burnt scroll, “That’s unfortunate.”

“What are we going to do, Sir?”

“I was hoping we wouldn’t have to do this, but I’m afraid we’re going to have to make a deal with the Ghost Talons,” Hisster growled as he put the scroll away.

A strange coldness swept over Zoltar at the mention of the Ghost Talons. Sure, he wanted to get rid of the Wisp Talons, but did they have to get the help from those dragons, “Are you sure, Sir? After what happened with The Keepers. Won’t allying with the Ghost Talons anger them?”

“That happened almost twelve years ago. The Ghost Talon’s chief has changed since then. I’m sure we’ll be alright.”

He paused, taking in a deep breath, “Besides, the only reason I’m considering this is because of their immunity. If the Wisp Talons are venomous, we need allies that can counter that. Not to mention that the Ice Talons aren’t to be trusted after what happened to the Lighting Talons, the Sea Talons won’t have anything to do with us and the Moon Talons. Well…you know.”

Hisster cast him a look, “I don’t see any other choice.”

Zoltar nodded slowly, though the unease remained. It was a risk, but if they could get the Ghost Talons to side with them, the Wisp Talons would fall like reeds before a raging storm. It was worth a try. What did they have to lose at this point?

“Okay, let’s give it a go,” he said at last, “When do we leave?”

Hisster looked surprised for a moment, “I was going to leave tonight…alone. Don’t you need rest? It was a long flight, not to mention the…” He trailed off as he lowered his gaze.

“Trust me Sir. The last thing I want to do right now is rest,” Zoltar said, flattening his ears as he turned away. He knew the moment he closed his eyes that the nightmares would overtake him, consume him like never before. No, he couldn’t face that right now. Rest could wait. In the past, he’d gone nearly several days without sleep.

‘Best to hold out as long as possible,’ he thought grimly.

“Very well then. Meet me outside the tunnels. We’ll leave before midnight.”

The moon glowed a burning orange behind the clouds of ash streaming from Mount Mokewtu as Zoltar and Hisster emerged from the caves. A cruel wind screamed across the blackened wasteland, tossing up cinders and hurling them through the air. The smell of sulphur was so strong that Zoltar could taste it.

“Are you sure you’re up to this,” Hisster asked, his snout creased in concern as he looked at Zoltar.

Zoltar nodded. This was his sole purpose left in life; to strike vengeance on Nira’s murderers.

After one final glance between them, Zoltar and Hisster spread their wings as they turned away from wind. The next gust caught their outstretched wings and launched them skyward. In mere seconds, they’d soared through the ash choked clouds and were riding the winds west towards the Forbidden Hills.

You know I like your story a lot. So this piece, I think, is really good. Unlike @MailicedeNamedy
I do not think this chapter is rushed, but do not just listen to me. @MailicedeNamedy probably knows better than me. She is older than me and has more experience. That being said, I like the physiological, "apart from my body", view. It seems accurate, again I am not a psychologist, but It seems rational. I don't know what to think of Hisster. He just seems, strange, as if he ends up being a traitor. Like I get that fake vibe from him. That being said, the dialogue is very good and flows almost perfectly. The flow is nice, it's very quick, but I think that for this chapter it works. Mainly because Zoltar is trying to get his ideal over with. I like the different Talons that we are discovering and the backdrop, or you could say worldbuilding. I enjoy the way you slip that in there. I think that's it for this review. Remember to take what you think was beneficial and forget everything else, but don't forget you are a good writer. Until next time!

Hi felistia,

Mailice here with a short review!

This was an exceptionally straightforward chapter. I wouldn't have thought that after this chapter everything is already "settled" and there is a small plan to build an alliance with other Talons.
At the same time, I like how this construct Zoltar has built around himself feels like a fragile package, breaking with every word he says and inflicting new wounds.

Some points from the text that caught my eye:

He managed, afraid to say more for fear of his voice breaking.

"Ohh," Hisster murmured, a look of guilt flashing across his eyes, "I'm...sorry for your loss."

"It's not your fault," he final said,

Steeling himself, he began to explain; the Wisp Talons, the ambush, Scorpus's death, their escape and Nira's death. The whole time remaining as cold and removed from the events as possible. It was almost like someone else was telling the story as he watched from a distance.

"Are you sure, sir, after what happened with the Keepers? Won't allying with the Ghost Talons anger them?"

"Are you sure you're up to this," Hisster asked, his snout creased in concern as he looked at Zoltar.

After one final glance between them, Zoltar and Hisster spread their wings as they turned away from wind.

That had been the whole point of the mission; to find out if there was a tribe there. It had been a devastating, but unforeseeable mistake. It wasn't the first and probably wouldn't be the last. It was the reality that they lived in every day.