Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm baaack for another review!!

First Impression: Okay...well, this is definitely a new chapter I see...and a very interesting one at that...it looks like the addition of Sidious onto the team is making its first major difference here, and I'm excited to see how Zoltar handles this extra pressure here and how that advice about Shiraku will affect their eventual friendship.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The two moons had cleared the distant peaks, their milky light bathing the land in an eerie glow. Ghostly moans echoed out from the forest as a breeze brushed through the trees.

Zoltar sighed, closing his eyes for the millionth time that night, but it was no use. Thoughts whirled through his mind, forbidding him the comfort of sleep.

Well, that's a very haunting start there...perfect time for a ghost to show up...or specifically this one ghost...he has to be coming in this one somehow...at least I hope so, judging by the picture of him you've tagged on at the end.

Frustrated, he got to his paws, hoping that moving around might clear his mind. It didn’t help.

What was he going to do? Sidious had disappeared. He was alone on a strange island with two exiles, one of which probably wanted him dead. He had to find a way to steal a Stone from the islands inhabitants without getting killed. Not to mention that he still would have two other Stones to steal after that.

Yeah well, its those moments at night when you truly realize just how impossible a mission is huh...it looks like poor Zoltar here is going to be thinking of impossible odds like this for quite some time to come until this is all over.

How was he going to do this? Should he try when the odds of him getting himself killed were so high?

Maybe he should go back to Hisster? They could figure out a better plan. Maybe Krakatoa would send another Ghost Talon to help them?

Hmm, that does actually seem like a pretty good plan...at this point technically there's no one to supervise him so he could run back to Hisster to ask for some form of assistance...I doubt the ghost talons would be paying attention to the shadow talon tribe all that closely.

Zoltar stifled a snort. And how would that go, Hisster and him going back to Krakatoa?

‘Um, I’m afraid we lost your second in command. Can we have another one?’ Zoltar thought bitterly, lashing his tail. No, it would never work. He was going to have to do this alone or at least make an attempt at it.

Yeah no, if he decided to pull something like that, he's just going to end up executed on the spot...although imagining the scene of him just being like "I lost your second in command" is somehow hilarious to me.

He sighed again, laying down next to the cave entrance. There was also the question of whether he should stay here?

Felistia was nice enough, but it was dangerous to be around Shiraku. Besides, living with them would make things more complicated. They thought he was an outcast. If he disappeared for hours during the day, they’d start to ask questions.

Well, there really is no way around that problem for him...but well he did it once , I'm sure he'll manage it somehow this time around too.

Maybe it would be best to leave and find a new place to rest tomorrow. If he left early enough, he could disappear before they woke up.

Just then, a soft rustle outside broke through Zoltar’s thoughts and he jumped to his paws. Hurriedly, he backed up into the cave.

Hello Sidious, I know its you, you can't hide from me...or is this Emerald...I forgot how they met Emerald.

A dark shape passed over the seaweed strands, cutting off the blades of moonlight streaming through them.

‘Was it a Wisp Talon?’ Zoltar thought as he held his breath.

“Shadow Talon,” the figure hissed as it hovered over the entrance, “Get your scaly tail out here.”

Well I love how that's the dragon equivalent of the human saying there...all these little details like I've told you hundreds of times make this just sooo much better. Also...that is definitely Sidious..

Zoltar stood frozen for a moment, before it dawned on him. He knew that voice. He hurried out of the cave, just catching a glimpse of the dragon as it landed atop the column.

“Sidious?” Zoltar asked as he cleared the top of the pillar. He couldn’t believe his eyes. How could he be alive?

The Ghost Talon eyed him as he landed, his silver scales reflecting the moons light.

Sidious coming in with the dramatic entrance I see...it does suit him there.

“Where were you?” Zoltar growled, careful to keep his voice low despite the urge to yell, “I thought you were dead.”

Sidious flashed him a condescending look, “Watching the disaster unfold. I was just in time to see you come barrelling out of the maze with a pack of Death Grippers snapping at your tail. Honestly, you hadn’t even stepped paw on the island yet. How are you going to survive this quest if you can’t even avoid a bunch of mangy scavengers?”

Okay...well clearly Sidious was never attacked by anyone...he's just already criticizing Zoltar for being a weakling...well...he should try fighting a pack of those things before he starts talking like that.

Zoltar stared at him in disbelief. So he had been there? Why hadn’t he helped him? If it hadn’t have been for Felistia, the Death Grippers would have killed him. All the while Sidious was sitting in the shadows watching and here he was criticizing him!

“Not to mention that you had to relying on an Ice Talon to save your scaly behind,” Sidious continued, sulfur yellow smoke pouring from his snout, “I had hoped you’d manage to hold your own without me. Evidently I was wrong.”

Well, Mr. Hideous, I'll have you know that Zoltar can accomplish plenty of things all on his own...and he doesn't have to intimidate other dragons to do it...as you can see, I'm currently slightly mad at this man...buut...I do love this part here, its very in character for him and basically exactly what I expected him to be doing.

“Well why didn’t you just step in if it was so bad?” Zoltar blurted, his back spines bristling, “Why didn’t you swoop in to save the useless Shadow Talon like the great big hero you think you are?”

Sidious stared at him for a moment, a dangerous gleam entering his eyes, before he hissed in a low voice, “You’re lucky that that dragoness took pity on you. If I were her, I would have left you to the pack.”

Ooooohhh..sassy Zoltar making an early appearance...well this is fun...although I do think Sidious is going to slap him now...

Zoltar glared at the Ghost Talon defiantly as smoke coiled from his nostrils. Sidious bared his teeth at him, hot yellow acid dripping from the fangs. Silence settled over the dragons as they circled each other.

Suddenly Sidious lunged at him, swiping a razor sharp talon across Zoltar’s already badly scratched snout.

Zoltar yelped, falling back as he clutched the bleeding gash.

Oh gosh...well I was joking earlier but...looks like Sidious actually went ahead and slapped Zoltar, or at least the dragon equivalent to the slap across the face.

“You listen to me Shadow Talon,” Sidious snarled, stamping a paw down on Zoltar’s tail before he could raise it, “If you ever talk to me like that again, the Wisp Talons are going to be the least of your problems. Understood?”

Zoltar nodded, the fire from before having been snuffed out like a flame on a winter’s night.

Well Hideous here continues to just threaten Zoltar instead of actually doing anything himself...well, that's about as much as I thought would happen with Sidious on the trip. It should be really interesting to see his opinions on the other dragons here...

“Good,” Sidious growled after a moment, before releasing him, “Now here’s the plan. I want you to continue with this little outcast lie of yours. Try to get that Ice Talon to trust you. She could prove useful to us.”

“What about the Sea Talon?” Zoltar asked, keeping his eyes fixed on his paws as he avoided all eye contact with Sidious.

Okay...first of all, that's an interesting plan by Sidious..but it does make sense for him to go with the whole let Zoltar get the help of the other dragons route...although I do wonder how on Earth he was hiding close enough to overhear the outcast excuse but wasn't spotted by felistia or zoltar...that's very interesting there.

“Hold her at wings length. Don’t give her any information and try to keep her and the Ice Talon separate. If things end up going badly… well, I can always make her disappear,” Sidious drawled, running a claw down Zoltar’s snout. Zoltar flinched as the talon hooked on one of the many scratches still weeping from the Death Gripper fight.

Well...Sidious is definitely being very direct about exactly what he plans to do there...well, wouldn't expect any less from someone like him...so I love to see this.

“And I don’t want you to breathe a word about me to those two, do you understand?” Sidious hissed over Zoltar’s neck, “As far as they are concerned, I don’t exist. If they have even the slightest suspicion that you aren’t alone, there will be two less dragons on the island. Understood?”

Zoltar nodded again, hold his wings in close to avoid Sidious’s lashing tail.

Well...soo many death threats being made in this oh wow...but the worst part about everything is that Sidious can totally do all of these things and very easily get away with it and Zoltar has no say in anything.

“Very well, you will see me again soon,” Sidious said as he spread his billowing silver wings. Leaping into the air, he took to the night sky. He arched south and soon disappeared into the swirling clouds of mist cloaking the maze.

Well...that's going to be fun going forward...now poor Zoltar has one extra thing to worry about as he has to go about this already very difficult mission.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, another wonderful addition to this story here...although I am currently quite mad at Sidious the Hideous here. And I'm guessing that's what you intended so good job on making his character quite clear there. Looking forward to seeing how Zoltar deals with all this in the chapters to come.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi felistia,

Mailice here with a short review!

I really like how you manage to create an overall picture with the beginning, which then goes into the cave where Zoltar is. His thoughts are very much about the mission and I like that kind of conflict he has because he doesn't know how to solve this problem. On the one hand, I like the way he sees this mission as a priority, but on the other hand, he doesn't think about himself directly. Also, I thought it was exciting how you managed to rebuild this conflict so that it eventually goes back to Felistia and Shiraku and how he can get away from them.

The only thing I didn't like was the focus on the mission itself rather than how Zoltar feels. I think you could have put in some short sentences about how he feels, or better portray his fear/nervousness through any movements he makes, or actually show the thought processes from his point of view.

I liked how the second half comes with a surprise I didn't expect. On the one hand, Sidious still being alive was to be expected and on the other hand, I was actually already long gone from him and focused more on the new characters. I wonder now if we will ever know what he was doing during all those hours? As I understand it, he must have heard quite a bit about Felistia and Shiraku and what Zoltar told them.

What I liked wonderfully about this dialogue was the interaction between Zoltar and Sidious. One clearly felt that Sidious is an enemy to be taken seriously and that his threats will not go empty if Zoltar does not do as he has ordered. The star moment was when Zoltar got upset and asked Sidious why he didn't help. Even though it was only a brief moment, it showed that Sidious doesn't give a damn about Zoltar, but at the same time still needs a scapegoat to carry out the mission.

So we're at a new point now where Sidious is there as well as the new characters. I think you've done a good job so far and I'm excited to see when this plan will be revealed or if Zoltar will spill the beans. I think you have now created a new arc of suspense that makes me feel that your story is still just the beginning of something much bigger.

I really can't find anything I didn't like (except that it was shorter than the other chapters). You manage to move the story forward smoothly and deliberately without forgetting some things or keeping it too short.

Also compliments to @FlamingPhoenix. Sidious looks so fantastic. That snooty attitude is amazing. It's like he's just reacting to a paltry comment from Zoltar and thinking to himself how primitive he is.

Other points that caught my eye:

The two moons had cleared the distant peaks, their milky light bathing the land in an eerie glow. Ghostly moans echoed out from the forest as a breeze brushed through the trees.

Always these beautiful, poetic beginnings. You always fall right into the story.

Thoughts whirled through his mind, forbidding him the comfort of sleep.

I like how you indirectly point out with this sentence that it is Zoltar himself who doesn't manage to sleep, because he always falls into thoughts straight away.

‘Um, I’m afraid we lost your second in command. Can we have another one?’

I shouldn't have laughed here.

He couldn’t believe his eyes. How could he be alive?

This is a big surprise and immediately makes me wonder how Zoltar will now explain this to Felistia and Shiraku.

“Well why didn’t you just step in if it was so bad?” Zoltar blurted, his back spines bristling, “Why didn’t you swoop in to save the useless Shadow Talon like the great big hero you think you are?”

I'm glad to read that Zoltar has the courage to ask Sidious that!

Have fun writing!

Mailice