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The Quest for Fire - Into the Mists - Chapter 1

by felistia


Artwork by @FlamingPhoenix

Zoltar soared over the Shadow Lands, the sunlight flooding his obsidian black scales with warmth as the wind tugged at his wings. Far below, wide open plains spread out before him, stretching as far as the silvery horizon. A clear blue river snaked through the emerald grasses, twisting and roaring on its way to the distant sea.

Countless prey animals grazed on the lush vegetation, a herd of zebra scattering as Zoltar’s shadow swept over them. He grinned, flashing his fangs as he watched them flee. It was such fun to watch them panic and run at the first sight of him.

Just ahead loomed Mount Mokewtu, jutting out of the vast grass lands like some great disfigurement in the earth. Pine forests clocked the rocky slopes of the mountain while snow frosted its twin peaks. In its shadow lay Zoltar’s home; the Shadow Talon city.

Dozens of caves spotted the mountain’s slopes as Shadow Talons walked in and out of the shallow tunnels. In the streets outside, dragons stood with the morning’s catch at their paws. Some had fish while other’s had game and all were hissing and growling as they went about trading their goods on woven grass mats.

As Zoltar scanned below, he spotted a familiar snout among the crowd. He smiled as he recognized his brother, fighting as usual with a Shadow Talon bartering ostrich eggs. He swooped into land next to his brother who was blowing out more smoke by the second.

“One ostrich egg is not worth a whole salmon,” Mowzan was roaring, waving the fish around like a wet rag. His barbed tail was lashing back and forth with such force it sent dusk and pebbles scattering.

“Hey Mowzan,” Zoltar batted his brother playfully with his wing, “Making trouble again I see.”

“I’m not making trouble. This reptile is a crook and he knows it,” Mowzan bared his teeth at the dealer, who looked at Zoltar beseechingly.

“Come on. There are other places to get ostrich eggs,” Zoltar said as he dragged Mowzan away.

The two wandered along the village’s main road, catching up on what was going on in each other’s lives.

“So how’s Nickeeta?” Zoltar asked.

“She’s doing alright. Tired from tending to the eggs, but okay. You?”

“Same old, same old.” Zoltar shrugged, stopping to examine some coconuts.

“Still not thinking about starting a family?” Mowzan arched his eye crests.

“Why do you keep bringing that up?” Zoltar laughed, handing the seller two small quail from the pouch in his back in exchange for the coconut he’d been eyeing. “Just because you’re suffering the pain that is married life doesn’t mean I have to join you. Besides it is hard enough dealing with Hisster without a wife and kids on top of it.”

“Oh, you know Hisster’s just difficult. He has to be, being the General and all that. Besides I’ve seen you eyeing that dragoness,” Mowzan winked, bumping wings with Zoltar.

“Nira?” Zoltar gave his brother a sideways glance, “We’re just friends.”

"Rrrrright," Mowzan drawled.

They’d passed the raw produce section of the market and were now in the cooking area. A rich banquet of spices flooded their senses. On either side of them, Shadow Talons were rubbing chilies, preserved lemons, and other aromatic spices into large slabs of meat, before blasting them with tongues of red hot flame.

“Did you need to bring anything home?” Zoltar asked, turning to Mowzan.

“Well, Nickeeta wanted me to bring home some ostrich eggs.” He said, scowling at him, “I guess a pheasant will have to do.”

“Well you could have had them if you’d just given him the fish.” Zoltar hissed, stopping at one of the mats where a female Shadow Talon was preparing a whole pheasant. Her onyx black horns caught the light of the dancing flames as she shot fire from her mouth.

Mowzan flattened his ears and flicked out his forked tongue, before turning to the dragoness at the stall, asking “How much for a pheasant?”

“That salmon you’re carrying will bring you two pheasants,” she said, smiling.

“Deal,” Zoltar blurted, before Mowzan had a chance to argue.

“I could have handled it,” Mowzan hissed quietly as he handed over the fish.

“I know. It’s just that you tend to like arguing over nothing,” Zoltar said, taking the two roasted pheasants from the seller. He gave them to Mowzan, who placed them inside the pouch behind his neck.

Mowzan rolled his eyes and snorted as he and Zoltar opened their billowing black wings and lifted into the afternoon sky.

Before long they were soaring over the soldier’s living and training grounds, positioned just below the pine forests cloaking the great mountain. Dirt packed arenas now replaced most of the Shadow Talon caves that had looked out over the market, leaving only a few scattered caves for the soldiers that resided there. Everywhere dragons came and went while new recruits went through their vigorous training regimen.

Dipping their wings, Zoltar and Mowzan swooped into land on one of the narrow dirt paths winding through the area.

As they walked along towards Mowzan’s cave, they passed some of the newer trainees. The young Shadow Talons stood in perfect formation, practicing lunging and guarding against invisible enemies. Older Shadow Talons stood on tall rocks overlooking the dragonets, instructing and guiding them.

Zoltar saw that Mowzan’s eyes seemed to linger on the younger dragonets. He bumped wings with his brother and gave him a questioning stare, “Come on. Just say what you’re thinking.”

Mowzan sighed as he paused to watch the battalion, “It’s nothing really. I just can’t believe that that’s going to be my dragonets someday.”

He smiled, “It’s just sometimes hard to picture that inside those little, white eggs there are real, living, breathing dragonets and they’re mine.”

“Oh, brother,” Zoltar huffed and shook his head, “You’re a father alright. Better get used to the feeling.”

He grinned, bumping horns with him before bonding up the path, “Come on. I still need to check in with Scorpus. Can’t be hanging around all day chatting about your parental issues. Plenty of time to do that when the little tykes hatch.”

Mowzan laugh behind him as he hurried to catch up.

Before long they reach Nickeeta and Mowzan’s cave, the dark chasm reaching deep into the mountain side like a black hole into another realm. The echoes of their ivory claws clacking on the cold stone floor resonated through the tunnels as they entered the cave. Fire rocks flickered to life, giving off an eerie red light that pulsed as they passed by.

Just then Zoltar stopped, ridged as a strange tingling rippled up his talons and into his chest. Something was wrong.

He was about to warm Mowzan when the earth around them began to shake.

“Earthquake!” Zoltar yelled as his paws gave from under him. Mowzan had also lost his balance and was crouched, his wings held up over his head to shield him from the debris.

Cracks scuttled up the cave walls as tremors continued to rip through the mountain side. Outside the cave the thud of boulders colliding with trees could be heard.

Then as quickly as it had started, the earthquake stop, the ground still as though it had never moved.

Once the earth had stopped heaving under his talons, Zoltar got to his paws. His heart was thundering in his chest, but apart from the shock, he was unharmed.

“That was a little weird,” Mowzan said a little shakily, “We haven’t had one of those for a few years.”

“I know,” Zoltar said as he examined the fractures running over the cave walls. They seemed to be minor, nothing too serious. It looked like they’d gotten away with little to no damage.

“Well, that’s what we get for choosing to set up base around a dormant volcano,” Mowzan remarked, apparently having brushed off the fright of the tremor, “We’re going to have these earthquakes every once in a while.”

“Still,” Zoltar said as he tried to lay his raised back spines flat again, “We shouldn’t take it lightly. An earthquake can be signs of the volcano waking up.”

“Don’t worry, Zoltar,” Mowzan knocked tails with his brother reassuringly, “You got your back spikes up last time this happened and nothing came of it. If it’s really bothering you, go check with Hisster. He’ll know if the Chief’s heard anything from the volcanologists. They’ll have warned him if there’s anything to worry about.”

“Okay,” Zoltar said, taking a deep breath.

“I’m going to go find Nickeeta. Let me know what Hisster says.” Mowzan said as he hurried further down the tunnel.

Zoltar watched him for a moment, before turn to head back the way he’d came. He’d almost reached the mouth of the cave when a load roar resounded from outside and Hisster’s voice growling, “Soldiers, attention!”


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Sat May 22, 2021 1:53 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi felistia,

Mailice back with a short review! :D

Let´s start right away!

Zoltar soared over the Shadow Lands, the sunlight flooding his obsidian black scales with warmth as the wind tugged at his wings. Far below, wide open plains spread out before him, stretching as far as the silvery horizon. A clear blue river snaked through the emerald grasses, twisting and roaring on its way to the distant sea.


This is something I think needs to be mentioned again and again, and cannot be said often enough: Such descriptions help the reader settle into the story. Especially through descriptions like here, where you combine colours with adjectives / other terms, there is a clear structure that the reader can imagine. It also shows attention to detail.

"Just because you're suffering the pain that is married life doesn't mean I have to join you.


Such expressions are always a pleasure to read and like how people are happy about not being married. It's something like a sweet freedom one possesses. :D

"Rrrrright," Mowzan drawled.


I can clearly hear that rolling off Mowzan's tongue. It just sounds great.

Cracks scuttled up the cave walls as tremors continued to rip through the mountain side. Outside the cave the thud of boulders colliding with trees could be heard.


It's only a short earthquake, as you described, but I think you could have expanded a bit more and gone into more detail here. This description alone doesn't seem "threatening" and doesn't help the drama you want to add later with Mowzan's comment that they haven't had an earthquake for a long time.

You also keep a good hand in this chapter by maintaining the pacing and giving one the insight into a normal everyday life with a brief surprise. I like how you not only keep the descriptions bare, as written above, but create a combination that gives the reader a better idea.

What irritated me a bit about this first chapter was the big build up of the characters and how they are connected to each other at the beginning. You get lost a little too quickly between Zoltar, Mowzan, then Nickeeta and Hisster and Scorpus come in. Since you don't realise a bit more what the roles or relationships of each character are until later, I would have brought out a bit more clarity there or shown it a bit more obviously during the dialogue who the characters are.

I like how you introduce Zoltar and Mowzan in this chapter and give them two different personalities. Even though they are brothers, you build up this element well, which helps to keep track of them.
I also like your conversations, especially when you imagine dragons going to the market for everyday things, it seems very amusing. You do a great job of describing life here and you can tell it's a lively town where they live. I like that you took the time to include this in the story, not just as an element of 'introduction'. It doesn't feel forced, it feels real.


In summary, it was a great chapter where you introduced Zoltar and co. and I also like how you always try to create those connections I mentioned earlier.

Have fun with your writing!

Mailice.




felistia says...


Thank you again for your review. I can see what you mean about some characters getting more development that others and how I should try to make each distinct as we meet them. I'm glad you liked the interaction between Zoltar and Mowzan. I really enjoyed writing that.



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Fri May 21, 2021 1:35 pm
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atlast wrote a review...



Hi, @felistia! Atlas here to review the first chapter of your novel, The Quest for Fire as requested. Before I begin. I want to remind you that my critiques are mere suggestions, so feel free to use or discard them as you see fit. Also, if anything I say is overly blunt or rude, please tell me so we can work out any issues. Additionally, I want to apologize in advance for any repetition of critiques from the three lovely reviews already posted. I'm going to break this review into four sections based on what you asked me to focus on. Any changes or rewrites will be in bold. All that said, let's get straight into it!

Worldbuilding
I want to start off by saying I loved your use of imagery. You were able to paint such a vivid picture of the Shadow Lands and its inhabitants. Amazing job! I tried to narrow down my favorite passage, but I couldn't pick between these two:

Zoltar soared over the Shadow Lands, the sunlight flooding his obsidian black scales with warmth as the wind tugged at his wings. Far below, wide open plains spread out before him, stretching as far as the silvery horizon. A clear blue river snaked through the emerald grasses, twisting and roaring on its way to the distant sea.

Before long they were soaring over the soldier’s living and training grounds, positioned just below the pine forests cloaking the great mountain. Dirt packed arenas now replaced most of the Shadow Talon caves that had looked out over the market, leaving only a few scattered caves for the soldiers that resided there. Everywhere dragons came and went while new recruits went through their vigorous training regimen.

You also used a variety of great figurative language in your descriptions. This one stood out to me in particular:
Cracks scuttled up the cave walls as tremors continued to rip through the mountain side.

Finally, I learned something new reading this! When I saw the word "volcanologist," I wasn't sure if it was a real word, so I ended up looking it up to be sure. Another well done for your amazing vocabulary!

Plot
Overall, your storyline was well done. I didn't find any glaring issues or gaps in the plot. There is an instant where, while it gets the job done, I think you could add a paragraph or so leading into it to further enrich the story and add suspense:
Just then Zoltar stopped, rigid as a strange tingling rippled up his talons and into his chest. Something was wrong.

Use that gorgeous imagery of yours to really show us that Zoltar can sense something is wrong. Show us the feeling of the ground vibrating under his claws or the flames in the fire rocks flickering as the earthquake starts, for instance, to foreshadow the earthquake before telling us things are about to go south.
I also think the last sentence needs a little bit extended. I felt like I needed a little more to finish off the chapter when I read it. Try something to the effect of:
He'd almost reached the mouth of the cave when a loud roar resounded from the outside. It was Hisster, his scale-raising growl cutting through the air.
"Soldiers, attention!

Before I move onto the next section, I want to point out something I really liked about this passage:
As they walked along towards Mowzan’s cave, they passed some of the newer trainees. The young Shadow Talons stood in perfect formation, practicing lunging and guarding against invisible enemies. Older Shadow Talons stood on tall rocks overlooking the dragonets, instructing and guiding them.
Zoltar saw that Mowzan’s eyes seemed to linger on the younger dragonets. He bumped wings with his brother and gave him a questioning stare, “Come on. Just say what you’re thinking.”
Mowzan sighed as he paused to watch the battalion, “It’s nothing really. I just can’t believe that that’s going to be my dragonets someday.”
He smiled, “It’s just sometimes hard to picture that inside those little, white eggs there are real, living, breathing dragonets and they’re mine.”
“Oh, brother,” Zoltar huffed and shook his head, “You’re a father alright. Better get used to the feeling.”

You integrated the Shadow Talon's military into the story really well. It's not overbearing and shows the reader they're important to the Shadow Talon's culture and the story. You can also do this in the earthquake scene. This type of integration is something I struggle with when I write, but you did really well!

Characters
I love the way you establish Zoltar and Mowzan’s relationship. It really shines through the story and gives it additional depth. This passage really stuck out to me:
“Hey Mowzan,” Zoltar batted his brother playfully with his wing, “Making trouble again I see.”

“I’m not making trouble. This reptile is a crook and he knows it,” Mowzan bared his teeth at the dealer, who looked at Zoltar beseechingly.

“Come on. There are other places to get ostrich eggs,” Zoltar said as he dragged Mowzan away.

The two wandered along the village’s main road, catching up on what was going on in each other’s lives.

“So how’s Nickeeta?” Zoltar asked.

“She’s doing alright. Tired from tending to the eggs, but okay. You?”

“Same old, same old.” Zoltar shrugged, stopping to examine some coconuts.

“Still not thinking about starting a family?” Mowzan arched his eye crests.

“Why do you keep bringing that up?” Zoltar laughed, handing the seller two small quail from the pouch in his back in exchange for the coconut he’d been eyeing. “Just because you’re suffering the pain that is married life doesn’t mean I have to join you. Besides it is hard enough dealing with Hisster without a wife and kids on top of it.”

“Oh, you know Hisster’s just difficult. He has to be, being the General and all that. Besides I’ve seen you eyeing that dragoness,” Mowzan winked, bumping wings with Zoltar.

“Nira?” Zoltar gave his brother a sideways glance, “We’re just friends.”

"Rrrrright," Mowzan drawled.

Again, great job! I also really like the juxtaposition between Mowzan’s harshness to most others and the tenderness towards his family. It sets a nice contrast against Zoltar’s cool, level headedness.

Other
In this last section, I want to briefly list some grammatical/syntax related critiques. Most are small typos I found.

In its shadow wake lay Zoltar’s home, the Shadow Talon city.

...it sent dust and pebble scattering…

...aromatic spices into large slabs of meat , before blasting them…

Before long they reached Nickeeta…

He was about to warn Mowzan…

Then , as quickly as it started, the earthquake stopped...


Overall, felistia, I really enjoyed this chapter! There were a few small issues - most being simple typos - but your use of imagery and ability to paint a picture with your words really shone through. Feel free to reach out with any questions; I can’t wait to start chapter two!

Until then, happy writing!
Atlas




felistia says...


Thank you so much for the review. I'm so glad you like the characters and world building so far.

You had a good point in regards to the paragraph where Zoltar senses something wrong. I can see my self coming up with something good there.
Look forward to your next review and what you think of the next chapter. :D



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Wed Apr 14, 2021 6:32 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to review chapter one here....once again sorry for taking so long, but I'm trying to knock these out in a row here...let's see...

First Impression: Well...its both awesome to read about this again and also really sad knowing what's to come. I definitely think there's a couple of additions here in the dialogue and all good additions that are making this a better story...but sadly even those just remind me of what's to happen...ahhh....the chapters where I must chop onions approach rapidly...

Anyway let's get right to it,

Zoltar soared over the Shadow Lands, the sunlight flooding his obsidian black scales with warmth as the wind tugged at his wings. Far below, wide open plains spread out before him, stretching as far as the silvery horizon. A clear blue river snaked through the emerald grasses, twisting and roaring on its way to the distant sea.


Ahh....the nice ol' start....also...really nice picture there...not sure if I've seen that one before...Flames really is very good at this stuff.

Countless prey animals grazed on the lush vegetation, a herd of zebra scattering as Zoltar’s shadow swept over them. He grinned, flashing his fangs as he watched them flee. It was such fun to watch them panic and run at the first sight of him.

Just ahead loomed Mount Mokewtu, jutting out of the vast grass lands like some great disfigurement in the earth. Pine forests clocked the rocky slopes of the mountain while snow frosted its twin peaks. In its shadow lay Zoltar’s home; the Shadow Talon city.


Ahh...very sad to see the description knowing what's going to happen to it in the not too distant future...but oh well, its a nice little establishing shot as always.

Dozens of caves spotted the mountain’s slopes as Shadow Talons walked in and out of the shallow tunnels. In the streets outside, dragons stood with the morning’s catch at their paws. Some had fish while other’s had game and all were hissing and growling as they went about trading their goods on woven grass mats.

As Zoltar scanned below, he spotted a familiar snout among the crowd. He smiled as he recognized his brother, fighting as usual with a Shadow Talon bartering ostrich eggs. He swooped into land next to his brother who was blowing out more smoke by the second.


Aaand off we go...well this doesn't seem to be any different from what it was the last time....but heyy..Imma read all of this again and review it anyway...

“One ostrich egg is not worth a whole salmon,” Mowzan was roaring, waving the fish around like a wet rag. His barbed tail was lashing back and forth with such force it sent dusk and pebbles scattering.

“Hey Mowzan,” Zoltar batted his brother playfully with his wing, “Making trouble again I see.”

“I’m not making trouble. This reptile is a crook and he knows it,” Mowzan bared his teeth at the dealer, who looked at Zoltar beseechingly.

“Come on. There are other places to get ostrich eggs,” Zoltar said as he dragged Mowzan away.


Zoltar the situation diffuser in action long before it was a matter of actual life and death.

The two wandered along the village’s main road, catching up on what was going on in each other’s lives.

“So how’s Nickeeta?” Zoltar asked.

“She’s doing alright. Tired from tending to the eggs, but okay. You?”

“Same old, same old.” Zoltar shrugged, stopping to examine some coconuts.

“Still not thinking about starting a family?” Mowzan arched his eye crests.


Hmm...now was that different...I don;t think we had this little bit of teasing here in the earlier version...well...I can't remember completely but at any rate, I'm always a big fan of teasing like this in stories, it is always so fun to read.

“Oh, you know Hisster’s just difficult. He has to be, being the General and all that. Besides I’ve seen you eyeing that dragoness,” Mowzan winked, bumping wings with Zoltar.

“Nira?” Zoltar gave his brother a sideways glance, “We’re just friends.”

"Rrrrright," Mowzan drawled.


This is definitely a lot of fun....

They’d passed the raw produce section of the market and were now in the cooking area. A rich banquet of spices flooded their senses. On either side of them, Shadow Talons were rubbing chilies, preserved lemons, and other aromatic spices into large slabs of meat, before blasting them with tongues of red hot flame.

“Did you need to bring anything home?” Zoltar asked, turning to Mowzan.

“Well, Nickeeta wanted me to bring home some ostrich eggs.” He said, scowling at him, “I guess a pheasant will have to do.”


Well this part is definitely not knew...but just as fun..and sad to see...:(

“Well you could have had them if you’d just given him the fish.” Zoltar hissed, stopping at one of the mats where a female Shadow Talon was preparing a whole pheasant. Her onyx black horns caught the light of the dancing flames as she shot fire from her mouth.

Mowzan flattened his ears and flicked out his forked tongue, before turning to the dragoness at the stall, asking “How much for a pheasant?”

“That salmon you’re carrying will bring you two pheasants,” she said, smiling.

“Deal,” Zoltar blurted, before Mowzan had a chance to argue.


That does seem like a fire deal...definitely not worth arguing about there Mowzan.

“I could have handled it,” Mowzan hissed quietly as he handed over the fish.

“I know. It’s just that you tend to like arguing over nothing,” Zoltar said, taking the two roasted pheasants from the seller. He gave them to Mowzan, who placed them inside the pouch behind his neck.

Mowzan rolled his eyes and snorted as he and Zoltar opened their billowing black wings and lifted into the afternoon sky.


Well...this brotherly banter is written just as well as it once was.

Before long they were soaring over the soldier’s living and training grounds, positioned just below the pine forests cloaking the great mountain. Dirt packed arenas now replaced most of the Shadow Talon caves that had looked out over the market, leaving only a few scattered caves for the soldiers that resided there. Everywhere dragons came and went while new recruits went through their vigorous training regimen.

Dipping their wings, Zoltar and Mowzan swooped into land on one of the narrow dirt paths winding through the area.

As they walked along towards Mowzan’s cave, they passed some of the newer trainees. The young Shadow Talons stood in perfect formation, practicing lunging and guarding against invisible enemies. Older Shadow Talons stood on tall rocks overlooking the dragonets, instructing and guiding them.


More nice description going on here...all looking very nice for the moment.

Zoltar saw that Mowzan’s eyes seemed to linger on the younger dragonets. He bumped wings with his brother and gave him a questioning stare, “Come on. Just say what you’re thinking.”

Mowzan sighed as he paused to watch the battalion, “It’s nothing really. I just can’t believe that that’s going to be my dragonets someday.”

He smiled, “It’s just sometimes hard to picture that inside those little, white eggs there are real, living, breathing dragonets and they’re mine.”


Well that's a fun little addition to the conversation there, nice little touch I think.

Before long they reach Nickeeta and Mowzan’s cave, the dark chasm reaching deep into the mountain side like a black hole into another realm. The echoes of their ivory claws clacking on the cold stone floor resonated through the tunnels as they entered the cave. Fire rocks flickered to life, giving off an eerie red light that pulsed as they passed by.

Just then Zoltar stopped, ridged as a strange tingling rippled up his talons and into his chest. Something was wrong.


Ahh...here it comes...

He was about to warm Mowzan when the earth around them began to shake.

“Earthquake!” Zoltar yelled as his paws gave from under him. Mowzan had also lost his balance and was crouched, his wings held up over his head to shield him from the debris.

Cracks scuttled up the cave walls as tremors continued to rip through the mountain side. Outside the cave the thud of boulders colliding with trees could be heard.


Here comes the warning shot...this is not going to end well now is it?

Then as quickly as it had started, the earthquake stop, the ground still as though it had never moved.

Once the earth had stopped heaving under his talons, Zoltar got to his paws. His heart was thundering in his chest, but apart from the shock, he was unharmed.

“That was a little weird,” Mowzan said a little shakily, “We haven’t had one of those for a few years.”


Oh that's more than just a little weird, get ready to run away as far as possible...or fly away I guess.

“I know,” Zoltar said as he examined the fractures running over the cave walls. They seemed to be minor, nothing too serious. It looked like they’d gotten away with little to no damage.

“Well, that’s what we get for choosing to set up base around a dormant volcano,” Mowzan remarked, apparently having brushed off the fright of the tremor, “We’re going to have these earthquakes every once in a while.”

“Still,” Zoltar said as he tried to lay his raised back spines flat again, “We shouldn’t take it lightly. An earthquake can be signs of the volcano waking up.”


Hmm...well...that's a good point though...why can they not move away to a slightly safer location...is the volcano really all that necessary for their survival...its asking for trouble at some point.

“Don’t worry, Zoltar,” Mowzan knocked tails with his brother reassuringly, “You got your back spikes up last time this happened and nothing came of it. If it’s really bothering you, go check with Hisster. He’ll know if the Chief’s heard anything from the volcanologists. They’ll have warned him if there’s anything to worry about.”

“Okay,” Zoltar said, taking a deep breath.

“I’m going to go find Nickeeta. Let me know what Hisster says.” Mowzan said as he hurried further down the tunnel.

Well that won't end well.

Zoltar watched him for a moment, before turn to head back the way he’d came. He’d almost reached the mouth of the cave when a load roar resounded from outside and Hisster’s voice growling, “Soldiers, attention!”


Yup...here we go....

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this does seem even better than it was before, and the earlier one was already really good. Quite excited to see what the next chapter holds, hopefully I should be getting around to reviewing that one really soon.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




felistia says...


Thank you again for another review and for reviewing my story again. I'm glad that you like the new parts. There's a lot of new parts being adding in the next two chapters. :D



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Tue Mar 30, 2021 5:46 pm
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SageOctober wrote a review...



First off, I love the picture at the top!

Anyways, awesome job with your descriptions and dialogue. The whole premise is very intriguing. I like the different characters, they're all very distinct.

I only found one error (which was so small I was just questioning whether or not to include it in this review), you said: Rrrrright,” Mowzan drawled. You just missed a " but that's really a small and nitpicky detail.

Overall, great job, I really like this!




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BEASTtheHUN wrote a review...



I like this just as much as the former chapter. It is rich with descriptive imagery. The pictures, in the beginning, are a stroke of genius. They show me what they look like which makes it easier for e to imagine what they look like. For some reason when I think of these dragons I think of Chinese dragons. I like the dialogue, it is very realistic and is alive in its right. I like the flow of the story. It doesn't flow like your first one, but nonetheless, it is still good. I like the names as well. Your style of worldbuilding is superb. I feel like I can see it. I can envision this chapter in my head. Like I said before the characters are very relatable they have this realness in their conversation and in their actions. You make me wonder as I read this, what are their powers, what can they do (other than breath fire). Are certain kinds of dragons fire different from others? I wonder that. Keep on using pictures it is very nice, and engaging. Well, I am pretty much done with this review, I enjoy this story! Please tag me on the next chapter. Keep up the amazing, stunningly beautiful work you are doing, and have a great day. Until next time!




felistia says...


Thank you so much for the review. It's actually my sister @FlamingPhoenix that created the images at the beginning of the chapter. :D



BEASTtheHUN says...


Oh, does she draw characters for points?



felistia says...


I'm not sure. Why don't you ask her on her wall. Just click on the tag. :D



BEASTtheHUN says...


She reached out to me. Thanks!




Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that's not what Rome is about! We should totally just stab Caesar!
— Gretchen Wieners