Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm baaack once again!!

First Impression: Alrighty...and we finally have the long awaited first meeting with Emerald...I think I like this version quite a bit actually, it feels like Zoltar thinks a lot more in this version of the scene compared to the previous one.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was eerily calm as Zoltar walked through the forest. Small rods of light peeked through the branches hanging overhead, casting blades of golden light onto the leaf litter below. Strange moaning bird calls echoed through the mist cloaked trees and the air was heavy with the scent of decomposing leaves and moss. Zoltar had to keep his snout low to the ground for fear of losing the herds track amidst the tangle of other smells.

As he went, he took great care in remaining silent, placing one paw in front of the other with pinpoint accuracy. One snap of a twig and it would alert everything in the vicinity of his presence. That was the last thing he wanted for multiple reasons.

Oooh...looks like Zoltar's out on the hunt now...he's being very cautious, I like that, the Wisp Talons and whatnot can probably still sneak up on him, with it being their home turf and the whole camouflage thing...but nothing else is going to be able to see him coming.

Zoltar’s back spines arched at the thought of what could be lurking in the depths of the forest; packs of raptors, poisonous snakes or worse still… Wisp Talons.

The last thing he wanted was to attract the attention of those dragons. It seemed they only came out at dusk…at least that’s what he assumed. Felistia hadn’t said much about them, but she seemed adamant that he needed to be back before sundown. Not to mention that the last time he’d been on the island, they attacked at just gone dusk.

Yeah..Zoltar, that's just a general rule of thumb at this point, creepy dark islands are always more dangerous in the night, as are dangerous bloodthirsty dragons potentially being held hostage by even more dangerous bloodthirsty creatures...

He shivered at the thought of Scorpus and the Wisp Talons swarming over him. He still couldn’t escape the claws of guilt that would rake down his stomach each time he thought about it. He should have help him. Maybe if he had, Scorpus and Nira would still be with him.

Zoltar sighed, shaking his head as he continued. There was nothing he could do. He could only hope Scorpus was in a better place now, along with Mowzan, Nira and all those lost to the winds of time.

Yeah, Zoltar, if you'd gone back that day, the only difference we'd have is you would have perished alongside them....it is good to see that he's managed to accept that by now...even though it is still fairly recent, its now been long enough for him to try and deal with the guilt at least.

He sniffed the air again, taking in all the scents around him. The smell of antelope was growing stronger, almost pungent in the damp air. He must be getting close.

Being careful to place his paws down gently, Zoltar edged towards the scent. His ears were pricked, alert to the slightest sound coming from within the woods. It wasn’t long before he picked up the dull thud of hooves and the rustle of many jaws grazing.

Oooh..and so begins the stalking of the antelopes...and I get the feeling another dragon is doing some stalking of her own not too far away but of course both dragons are being so ridiculously quiet that neither dragon is going to hear each other.

Sinking low to the ground, he slowly inched closer. He could make out the shapes of antelope moving just up a head, their silhouettes broken up by the dense foliage. This was his chance.

He crouched, waiting for one of the creatures to stray a little too close.

‘Just a little closer,’ Zoltar thought excitedly, his muscles tightly coiled in preparation for the lunge.

Oooh...here comes the anticipation building up...ahh...I have a feeling we're about to have a jump scare via deadly Wisp Talon in the not too distant future.

Suddenly, an ear splitting roar shattered the silence as a creature sprang from the undergrowth. The herd scatter and Zoltar had just enough time to whip his head around before he was slammed to the ground.

“Don’t move,” the creature growled, digging it claws into his neck as it held him down.

Okay...I genuinely had no idea the jump scare was going to happen literally the sentence after I said it was going to happen...wow...but also....oh dear...here we go..Emerald makes here appearance...ahh this is going to be so much fun...

Zoltar froze, his muscles ridged as his mind spun widely. No, no, no! A Wisp Talon! What was he going to do?

He gently tried to work his tail free. If he could get a stab in, he might be able to surprise the dragoness long enough to get out from her grasp.

“Don’t even think about it,” the dragoness hissed as she stamped a paw down on his tail, pinning the poisonous barb to the forest floor. She leaned in closer to his ear, growling in a steely voice, “Move another muscle and its eternal darkness for you.”

Well...that's definitely not an order most people would argue with...I think staying very still is a very good plan in this situation...I highly doubt she's actually going to harm him...but uhh...Zoltar doesn't know that..xD

She cracked open her jaws just enough for him to catch a glimpse of her needle like fangs, “Understood?”

Zoltar nodded as he forced his muscles to relax. There was no way he was going to be able to fight his way out of this one… not without getting bitten anyway. But why hadn’t she killed him yet? He was in a helpless position. There was nothing stopping her.

Okay...well, good decision by Zoltar...although yes...his thoughts there about why he's still alive when the other Wisp Talons he encountered basically just murdered the dragons they saw on the spot are definitely appropriate to this current situation.

Thoughts flashed through his mind. Maybe she wasn’t a soldier? She could have been hunting prey when she saw him and her first reaction was to attack him.

Maybe it was because he was alone? Without other dragons to help him, she’d have a chance to get information out of him before killing him.

Well...all pretty reasonable theories there Zoltar, not entirely sure if either of those are correct though...I think she just doesn't quite want to go through with the horrifying acts that the rest of her kind has decided to commit.

Or maybe it was because she was still a dragonet. At least that’s what he thought… judging by her weight and tone of voice. She couldn’t be much older than twenty seasons.

Still, no matter the reason, the Wisp Talon hadn’t harmed him yet. There might be a slight chance he could talk his way out of this. If he could just get her to relax a little, he might be able to throw her off, before she could get a bite in. With his barb free, he’d be more evenly matched with her.

Ooooh...the dragonet theory, that actually might be more accurate than most and I get the feeling that that's a new addition, I don't think I remember Emerald being a dragonet earlier...perhaps...I could totally have forgotten. Also...hmm...looks like Zoltar trying his best to think his way out of the situation.

The Wisp Talon shifted her weight, a shiver running through her scales as she seemed to collect her thoughts.

“What are you doing here?” she finally hissed, blurting it out like it was the first thing to come into her head.

Zoltar pricked his ears. Was she nervous? Maybe he was right about her being young.

Hmm, well, she's definitely not as experienced in intimidation and interrogation. She could take a couple of lessons from ol' Hideous...I mean Sidious, he's very, very good at that, even though I haven't quite seen him actually act on any of his threats yet to see if he's good as his word.

“I was tracking the herd,” Zoltar said slowly. There was no way he was going to tell her why he was really here.

He cringed as he felt her claws tighten around his neck. “I meant, what are you doing on our island?”

Ahh...the old technique of answering the question without really answering the question...that particular technique always makes me laugh for some reason.

Zoltar went silent as he fought to find a plausible reason that wouldn’t give away Felistia, Shiraku or Sidious.

‘Come to think of it, were is Sidious?’ Zoltar thought irritably. Now would be a perfect time for him to barge in and help. Zoltar was sure the Ghost Talon was watching him. He was probably rolling his eyes and muttering about how stupid he’d been to get caught.

Ahhh...okay...now I'm just imagining, Sidious sitting in a tree somewhere...okay considering how massive he is, probably not a tree unless its a massive one and then just cackling down at Zoltar as he thinks of how much of a weakling this silly Shadow Talon is.

Zoltar exhaled a puff of smoke at the thought. He was going to have to get himself out of this one.

“You know,” the Wisp Talon continued, when Zoltar didn’t answer, “it’s law on this island to kill outsiders on sight? You won’t talk and were caught hunting our prey. You’re useless to me alive. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill you right now?”

Huh...that's a pretty tough law...and well, it definitely is very interesting to see how much hesitation Emerald is having here not to mention she's kind of actively fishing for a reason not to kill him here. She's definitely very much against the laws of her people.

Zoltar’s chest burned with fury as he supressed the urge to blast out flame. “Because you’ve done enough already,” he growled before spitting, “We’re living creatures just like you! Maybe we made the mistake of trespassing on your island, but that doesn’t give you justification to slaughter outsiders. Ever heard of a conversation?”

Zoltar caught himself, but it was too late. The words were out there.

Oh dear...I do hope he can come up with a suitable excuse fast enough to worm his way out of that particular predicament cause at the moment it certainly ain't looking too good for poor Zoltar here.

The Wisp Talon didn’t say anything for a long moment, before she echoed, “We?”

Zoltar turned his head away, as he tried to avoid her gaze. She gripped his neck harder, pressing her talons further into his scales, “Who’s we? Are there more with you?”

Zoltar huffed before mumbling, “No. You killed them. You murdered my wife and mentor.”

Oh...wow...excellent thinking Zoltar, now that was some really nicely done stuff, especially cause it isn't like he's lying, Emerald potentially would have heard of at least Scorpus being killed if not Nira...only thing is that was probably not very easy for Zoltar to have to recall there.

The Wisp Talon went silent as Zoltar felt another shiver run through her scales.

“I can’t do this,” she whispered, her voice barely audible.

Without warning, Zoltar felt her claws release as her weight lifted from him. He sprang to his paws, ready to fight for his life, but she was gone. She’d disappeared. The forest was just as it had been before he’d been attacked. The light song of a robin played overhead, carried by the soft wind blowing through the canopy. There was not a trace to show that she’d been there.

The classic Wisp Talon teleportation trick...well well well, that definitely isn't the last that we're going to see of her...and well, this was a lovely little introduction right here to this character before the stuff that comes later. At this point in the story, this is certainly the sort of thing that makes a reader really take notice cause this is a Wisp Talon acting very much unlike the rest of her tribe.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, a pretty solid chapter once again...and ahh...I have a sneaking suspicion about the scenes coming next now...and I can't wait to see how they've been altered by this new dynamic with Sidious.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi felistia,

Mailice here with a short review!

This chapter definitely showed me that you should expect the unexpected. I didn't expect the story to unfold now with another new character. From the tone of voice alone, Dragoness will probably be one of those characters who will play a role later on, precisely because she is a stark contrast to the other Wisp Talons. She seems to be young and inexperienced, and I think it was clear from the beginning that she can't kill Zoltar. But whether she can keep her mouth shut is another matter.

It was an expeditionary chapter. That was definitely my feeling when I read it and you started describing Zoltar looking for the antelope. I also found the expedition back into his head exciting. Hm,... I'm very curious to see how he can talk his way out of the lies, and when the fall comes, when Sidious shows up, which side he will take.

I liked the chapter. It had quite a concrete direction it went in and felt it was a great representation of how the descriptions in the opening and ending complemented each other, as if it was a beginning and an end where Zoltar is in the forest. That he continues to have his pangs of conscience I really like and think we've reached a point there that needs to be grasped that he's aware of the consequences. He is facing a precipice where before he fell off a cliff. Now he could lull himself into safety, but that seems more like a hollow illusion.

As I said, this is a point that I didn't expect in the story and where I wonder where it will lead. Will Zoltar gain her trust and betray her like this? Or will it end in a bigger disaster. The exciting thing is that you always come up with new surprises, and one can no longer expect to be able to foresee anything.

The chapter had its good length. I felt that only in the middle part the scenery was described a little less, because the focus was more on Zoltar and the dragoness. Maybe it could have been mentioned that Zoltar was looking left and right, hoping to see Sidious somewhere, instead of just thinking about a what-if thing. Otherwise, I liked the chapter. It really knocked me off my seat a bit because I wasn't expecting it.

Some other points I found while reading:

Strange moaning bird calls echoed through the mist cloaked trees and the air was heavy with the scent of decomposing leaves and moss.

I like the description here. It reminds me of switching from a bird's eye view to a frog's eye view.

He crouched, waiting for one of the creatures to stray a little too close.
’Just a little closer,’ Zoltar thought excitedly,

You already describe in the previous sentence that the antelopes should be slowly approaching and think then the train of thought here has little meaning as it is just a repetition. Either I would rewrite the previous sentence a bit or rephrase it here.

“I was tracking the herd,” Zoltar said slowly. There was no way he was going to tell her why he was really here.

Is Zoltar falling into a web of lies here, from which he cannot get out on his own?

The forest was just as it had been before he’d been attacked. The light song of a robin played overhead, carried by the soft wind blowing through the canopy. There was not a trace to show that she’d been there.

[/quote]
I like this ending. It seems like the end of a theatre act, where the curtain is about to close and you change perspective again, from the frog's view back to the bird.

Have fun writing!

Mailice