The Quest for Fire - Into the Mists - Chapter 10

Hi felistia,

Mailice here with a short review!

Cool moonlight washed over the two Shadow Talons as they glided over the ocean, their shadows rippling over the water below.

Apart from your descriptions, I'd like to say that you did a good job of not naming Zoltar and Nira in order to create a certain distance between them and the reader, and also to create the feeling that the reader only joins them again after they have fled in the last chapter.

He trembled as a wave of guilt passed over him. He shouldn't have left Scorpus like that. They could have tried to defend him. Maybe he'd still be here if they had. But he'd thought only of Nira's safety. Her life had been more important than Scorpus's. That's why he'd bolted with her.

Very nice to read how Zoltar feels remorse. I like that you portray this conflict here and how these thoughts develop into the question of what kind of tribe member he is. This passage in particular gives me goosebumps:

What had Scorpus thought of him during his last moments? Had he felt abandoned, left there to die while his allies and friends left him for dead?

I don't know how you started writing the idea for this story, but I want to say here that despite this beautiful fantasy world you present here, you create an incredible, dramatic, cruel and morally questionable world. One mostly only reads it between the lines, but when one as a reader lets it go through one's mind, what burden Zoltar carries on his shoulders, and all that has already happened, and one thinks further about what you don't mention in the chapters, but are an evil that happens, your whole work seems very dystopian. I don't know if it was your intention to create such a complex work or not, but in any case it's wonderful.

Her breaths were coming out short and fast now as she struggled to get air into her lungs.

I think there should be a comma after the "almost".

"Oh, Zoltar. This isn't the end." Nira smiled softly as her breathing slowed to a shallow rasp, "You know that. Someday we'll meet again when the stars align."

*tears* Nira is so brave and courageous.

That was it. The only loved one left in his life was gone forever. Taken from him by the Wisp Talons. What was left for him now? Without her, what meaning was there to his life? His tribe was on the brink of extinction. His commander was gone and the island they'd hoped would be their salvation was a death trap. There was nothing left.

You portrayed this farewell, this entire collapse, so emotionally and wonderfully. One can literally feel Zoltar's hope and strength fading with every new breath he takes after Nira's death.

You portrayed this chapter so sadly and yet so fantastically that I kept hoping that Nira would somehow still make it. I was more than sad to read that Zoltar was now alone. That helplessness that must be going through his head is probably indescribable and yet you manage to portray it well.
I am very, very curious to see how Zoltar will develop and what kind of character he will bring out. You've managed to make this chapter stand out as an ending to a part that can't compare to the disaster of four years ago. It felt different here. More emotional and more cruel. And I really like that a lot.
I can't criticise anything. Your descriptions are perfect, the emotions powerful and Nira's last words were so beautiful and I hope Zoltar engraves those words in his brain.

I'm also more interested here in how you feel about this development so far, and what you were thinking in reaching the point of letting Zoltar fall into a deep hole?

Have fun writing!

Mailice.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here....to suffer....once more...well there goes the darkest start to a review I've had in like...ever.

First Impression: Well...you know what I have to say about this chapter...the emotions brought out..and the description is very much on point to bring about arguably the most tragic chapter of this entire series of novels.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Cool moonlight washed over the two Shadow Talons as they glided over the ocean, their shadows rippling over the water below.

Zoltar found himself staring up at the heavens. It was a perfectly clear night, not a breath of wind. Dozens of stars blanketed the vast expanse above him, twinkling a brilliant silver as they danced across the sky. Soon Scorpus would be one with them as he made that journey into the heavens to join those past.

Hmm...well...talking about the loss of one of our dragons here...ahh...just as much worse things are about to happen now.

Zoltar let out a long, shaky sigh. At least Nira was here with him. He couldn’t imagine what he’d do if she’d been the one to take the first attack. He certainly wouldn’t have left her to those monsters.

He trembled as a wave of guilt passed over him. He shouldn’t have left Scorpus like that. They could have tried to defend him. Maybe he’d still be here if they had. But he’d thought only of Nira’s safety. Her life had been more important than Scorpus’s. That’s why he’d bolted with her.

As much as that seems like a pretty bad thing....he did make the right call there...Scorpus was ambushed by too many folks there...if they'd stayed behind no one would have made it alive...its a tough call in the midst of battle...but as terrible as it sounds, it was the right call.

If she’d been in Scorpus’s place, he would have defended her to the death. What did that say about his loyalty? One tribe member shouldn’t be held above the other, but he found himself doing it constantly. He was always putting her first, whether is was during an attack or something as simple as the amount of food he thought she should have.

Well...can't blame him for doing that...she's his only family at this point.

What had Scorpus thought of him during his last moments? Had he felt abandoned, left there to die while his allies and friends left him for dead?

Zoltar shook his head, his scales crawling at the thought. It would never happen again.

Well...that guilt is going to soon be forgotten by the sadness that's about to eat away at him.

When they got to the island, he and Nira would honor Scorpus and perform the Dance of Ascension together. It was the least they could do.

His thoughts were broken when he heard Nira cough a rasping breath next to him.

“Are you okay Nira?” Zoltar asked, brushing wings with her.

NO she's definitely not okay..

She nodded, but avoided eye contact with him as her breathing continued to crackled and grate.

Zoltar felt the terror start to rush back in, “Nira?”

“I’ll be fine. It’s just a bite,” She hissed through gritted teeth.

That's definitely not just a bite.

Zoltar’s heart began to thud heavily in his chest as a cold wave of fear swept over him. They needed to land and quickly.

“There’s an island little way for here. Can you make it until then?” Zoltar asked as he tried to keep his voice steady. He couldn’t panic.

Ahh..gotta say now...the emotions that you're depicting here form Zoltar's point of view are just amazing...its very easy to see exactly what he's thinking and feeling here and that's just awesome.

“Sure,” Nira wheezed as she stifled down a moan. Her breaths were coming out short and fast now as she struggled to get air into her lungs.

The island loomed into view, seeming to rise out of nowhere from the dark waters. They only just made the shallows a few meters from the beach before Nira’s wings suddenly seized up. She crashed into the water, sending up a shower of spray before Zoltar could catch her.

Oh yeahh..here come the first sings...this description is doing a wonderful job so far here.

He landed beside her, his heart pounding with panic. She struggled to her paws and he had to half walk, half drag her onto the beach. She was panting, wings lying limp as her sides as she collapsed onto the sand.

“It hurts Zoltar. It hurts,” Nira cried as she clutched her tail.

Gahh....glad I brought tissues at any rate.

A sinking feeling filled the pit of Zoltar’s stomach as he saw the black veins snaking up her tail and over her back.

“Venom,” Zoltar whispered, a cold mist seeming to settle over him as he realized there was nothing he could do for her. It was too late to stop the venom from spreading. Even as he sat there, he could see the inky black trails working their way up to her heart. He was going to lose her too.

Ahh...the sense of impending doom...well...you definitely do a wonderful job capturing it here.

Nira looked at him, the fear shimmering in her eyes.

“Oh,” she finally murmured, her voice barely audible as the truth dawned on her.

Unable to stop the tears flowing down his snout, Zoltar lay down next to Nira, his head resting beside hers, “I’m so, so sorry. I should have never brought you to that island. This is all my fault.”

Well...say what you will...it isn't his fault....he couldn't have possibly known anything, if it wasn't for his quick thinking, they wouldn't even be able to make it to this island here...

He laid a wing over her, the obsidian black scales hiding the ugly tendrils steadily working their way towards her chest. She didn’t have long.

Nira lifted her head and brushed his snout with hers, “It’s alright. You couldn’t have known this would happen.”

Zoltar squeezed his eyes shut, the pain pulsing through his chest too much to bare.

Argh...well this terrible moment is being captured really well here....

“How am I going to go on without you? You are all I have left.” Zoltar cried, his tears wetting her scales.

“Oh, Zoltar. This isn’t the end.” Nira smiled softly as her breathing slowed to a shallow rasp, “You know that. Someday we’ll meet again when the stars align.”

Well...thats terribly far off though....

But what do I do in the meantime? I..” Zoltar couldn’t finished the sentence. It was all too much.

Nira gave him a weak lick on the snout, “I’m going to see my family again and don’t worry. I’ll be watching over you from the heavens. You may not be able to see me, but I will be there … always.”

Well...those appear to be the last words I think...well my glasses are now officially too blurry to see through...I need to go wash these...excuse me.

Uttering those last words, her eyes closed as the last breathe escaped her jaws and her body went still. Not a sound broke the still night apart from the gentle lapping of the waves on the beach.

Zoltar lifted his wings from her back and stared out at the darkness, tears trailing from his eyes.

And so it ends...well....

That was it. The only loved one left in his life was gone forever. Taken from him by the Wisp Talons. What was left for him now? Without her, what meaning was there to his life? His tribe was on the brink of extinction. His commander was gone and the island they’d hoped would be their salvation was a death trap. There was nothing left.

Well...you'll soon get yourself a pretty big purpose to your life...but...well...he's definitely going to wallow in this sadness for quite a long time...you don't just recover from a situation like this.

The moon’s cold rays drifted over the rolling ocean waves as the last of the stars shimmering into view. Standing alone on the beach Zoltar began the ancient Dance of Ascent. Waving his wings back and forth in a wave like motion, the moon light rippling off his scales, he swept up the sand. It swirled through the air in a delicate cloud as he twirled below, sweeping his wings towards the heavens. Silver talons flashed as he swayed in rhythm to the stars’ song. He began to hum a slow mournful tune that moved in time to his dance.

Well...there begins that one...definitely an appropriately mournful description for an occasion like that one.

Nira began to gleam and sparkle a brilliant gold as Zoltar leapt into the evening air and continued to dance. His tail flowed across the night sky as he circled around Nira. The silver stars moved with him, pulsing and singing their pained song as Nira burst into a cloud of sparks like fine gold dust.

In the distance Zoltar could see another trail of gold rising from the haze that surrounded the island. Scorpus too was making his journey to join the ancestors. The shimmering mist climbed higher and higher into the night sky as the dance continued unbroken like the flow of the tides.

Hmm...back at it again with that magical dance situation...this is definitely a very interesting description here....this ceremony continues to be very intriguing as to how it all works.

Finally it seemed to dissolve into the very stars themselves and gave a final twinkle before disappearing. Zoltar slowly sank to the ground and bowed his wings over where Nira had lain. Only pale white bones remained.

Gently, he swept the sand over them as if covering the pain that burned inside him. He stood there unmoving, staring down at the place she’d been. Nothing remained now, nothing to show that she’d been there.

Well...he does have to begin slowly moving on from this point onward....he has to bury his past now....his journey is about to begin..

Heart torn and bleeding, Zoltar gazed up at the night sky, tears still shimmering in his eyes. The stars were so bright tonight, their silver light seeming to pulse and dance in the darkness. The gentle murmur of the ocean seemed to be trying to comfort him as he stood alone on the beach, stare up at the heavens, but he would not be comforted.

A very fitting end to a chapter like this...definitely captures the turmoil of a situation like this one.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, well...another beautifully written chapter....at least we can finally move past this tragedy for now...it only gets better for Zoltar from here on out as we begin our actual quest here...

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry