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Young Writers Society



The Quest for Fire - Into the Mists - Chapter 38

by felistia


A cold dawn crept over the island, the new light bringing no warmth to Zoltar’s scales. He sat huddled on the pillar, his barbed tail hanging limp over the side. He hadn’t slept a wink the whole night. His whole body ached, screaming at him to sleep, but there was no rest to be had. His mind whirled like a hurricane, ideas and thoughts all mixing together to form a howling wind that did nothing to help the problem at paw.

Zoltar rubbed a talon over his horns, his head both aching from stress and the lack of sleep. The same questions kept buzzing through his brain, annoying and persistent, but never answered, ‘What was he going to do? How was he going to steal the gem? Should he tell Felistia what had happened?’

Huffing a long sigh, he shifted his weight on the column. He hadn’t moved in hours and he was sure his limbs had gone to sleep, seeing as he couldn’t feel his talons anymore.

He had to do something. He had three options. He could concede to Sidious’s plan. It would be the easiest of the bunch and would be relatively safe for him at least.

He shook his head, disgusted at the idea. He wouldn’t go along with the Ghost Talon. That much was certain. So that left only two options. Find a way to steal the gem on his own – a very dangerous task in which he had a high likely hood of dying – or tell Felistia everything.

He cringed at the idea. If he revealed everything to her, he risked losing her protection and friendship. He could end up on his own again… with that Ghost Talon. But at least she and Shiraku would be safe and wasn’t that what he wanted? Wasn’t that why he’d refused to go along with Sidious’s plan in the first place…to protect them?

He sighed, glancing over the beach. Golden light swept over the rolling waves, the spray thrown up by the water gleaming like fire in the new dawn.

He had to tell her. It was the only way. At least then she and Shiraku would be able to watch their backs. They should be safe then.

Sidious wasn’t stupid. He wouldn’t try to take on the two of them once they knew about him. The only way he could hurt them was if they got separated and lured into a dangerous situation. He couldn’t do that if they knew what he was up to.

Still, it wasn’t going to be pretty. He could only imagine what Shiraku was going to say. It wouldn’t be nice. Probably something along the lines of that’s exactly what a Shadow Talon would do or I told you not to trust him.

Poor Felistia. She’d been so nice to him and now he was going to spit on all that by telling her that he’d been lying the whole time. She was going to be so disappointed.

He stared up longingly at the clear blue sky as though it might grant his wish and give him another way out of this situation, but of course nothing happened. Heaving a sigh, he got to his paws, flinching at the sharp prickle of pain shooting through them. Best to get this over with.

Felistia and Shiraku were sitting in the back of the cave, licking the last of what must have been a fish from their claws.

“Look who decided to show up,” Shiraku hissed mockingly, glancing over at Zoltar as he entered the cave, though she smiled jokingly a moment after, “You finally decided it’s too cold out there and want to now curl up here? Well you’re too late. We’re about to head off hunting.”

Zoltar ignored her probing comments, keeping his gaze fixed on the floor. He was afraid that if he looked at them, he’d lose his resolve and back out of what he was about to do.

“Hey,” Felistia remarked upon seeing him, “I was just about to bring you up breakfast. Why didn’t you coming in last…”

Something must have tipped her off that all was not well, because she stopped and asked, “You okay?”

Zoltar squeezed his eyes shut, fighting the urge to say yes. He had to tell them. It was for the best.

“No,” he said finally, sinking down to sit with his tail curled over his talons. He rubbed his snout anxiously, stalling as he wondered how he should continue. There was no good way to start.

‘Just get it over with quickly.’

“I haven’t been total honest with you. I’m not who you…I’m not really an outcast,” his voice shook as he spoke, his wings having dropped to his sides, “I promise I’ll tell you everything, but you must trust me on this one thing. Your lives depend on it.”

Shiraku had looked up from cleaning her claws and was staring at him, her golden eyes piercing through him. Felistia had also fallen silent, having paused mid stride.

Zoltar tried his best to ignore their bewilderment. He had to get this out quick, before he broke down himself, “You are in great danger. You must stick together from now on. You can’t get separated. Something like yesterday can’t happen again.”

He looked at Felistia, a sharp pain stabbing though him as he saw the hurt on her snout, “That wasn’t an injured buck. It was a trap. You can’t let that happen again. You might not be so lucky next time. He won’t allow you to escape again.”

“Who!” Shiraku yelled, breaking her silence as she jumped to her paws, “What are you going on about? A trap? What is this?”

Her eyes locked on him, a deep growl rumbling from her throat, “What did you do Shadow Talon? What is going on?”

Zoltar flinched as the Sea Talon bared her fangs, “I’m so sorry I got you guys mixed up in this. I never meant to hurt you. This was never supposed to happen.”

Even Felistia was wary now, her back spikes raised in alarm.

“Start from the beginning,” Shiraku growled, edging closer, “Who are you and what have you done?”


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49 Reviews


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Fri Jun 03, 2022 6:50 pm
Otterpop wrote a review...



Hey there! Otterpop here with another review! You've still got some works in the Green Room and despite not having any prior knowledge of this story I'd still like to help with critiquing it!

This chapter is short and sweet, and all full of tension that is really hooking me in. I feel like I know exactly what these three characters (Zoltar, Felistia, and Shiraku) are like even though this is kinda the first time I've really met them and seen them interact. The idea of how this dynamic works is really fascinating to read and I think it's a good mix of characters.

He sighed, glancing over the beach. Golden light swept over the rolling waves, the spray thrown up by the water gleaming like fire in the new dawn.

He had to tell her.


Given this tense moment, I was honestly expecting maybe a little more? It gives both the reader and Zoltar to really think on what's about to happen with him confessing, and really ups the tension and intrigue for a reader in particular. And I think you absolutely could do it given how good you are with descriptions and whatnot!

Knowing that, Felistia and Shiraku's reactions at the end had me practically on the edge of my seat. Their reactions could very well be in character but it was still interesting to see how they responded to Zoltar's warnings. I'm wondering if Felistia will take it better than Zoltar expects, but Shiraku will not take it well at all? Just my own prediction based on zero information. Either way you convey emotion in these characters really well.

A few other random things I noticed as well:

“I was just about to bring you up breakfast. Why didn’t you coming in last…”


I think this is supposed to say "Why didn't you come in last..." (I'm pretty sure at least?) Minor grammar thing that's easy to fix.

‘Just get it over with quickly.’


So if this is Zoltar's internal dialogue, the apostrophes at the beginning and end aren't needed and leaving this sentence in italics would convey inner dialogue just fine on its own.

And with that I don't think I have any more comments or responses! This is a great chapter and you seem to be doing well with the overall story based on what I've seen thus far!




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Thu Mar 31, 2022 5:57 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi felistia,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

This is certainly an unexpected twist we have here, and I'm on fire to see what happens next with the trio. So Zoltar has decided to confess everything directly to them and I sincerely hope that Felisita and Shiraku will help him in the end, once they understand what exactly happened. And yet there is a certain worry in me that Sidious could intervene at any time. But let's start again from the beginning.

A cold dawn crept over the island, the new light bringing no warmth to Zoltar’s scales. He sat huddled on the pillar, his barbed tail hanging limp over the side. He hadn’t slept a wink the whole night. His whole body ached, screaming at him to sleep, but there was no rest to be had. His mind whirled like a hurricane, ideas and thoughts all mixing together to form a howling wind that did nothing to help the problem at paw.

You use a very strong opening to show that we have reached a new point here, where we learn that Zoltar has again put a lot of thought into getting out of his own dilemma. You set the scene well and make it seem as if even nature is on no side but its own.

I liked the thought process of Zoltar's three paths, especially how you structured it by adding the right solution at the end, which is the hardest decision.

But at least she and Shiraku would be safe and wasn’t that what he wanted? Wasn’t that why he’d refused to go along with Sidious’s plan in the first place…to protect them?

Sometimes I think Zoltar needs to take himself a bit out of the equation to understand that seeing the greatest good of others usually leads to a better outcome than putting oneself out there.

He sighed, glancing over the beach. Golden light swept over the rolling waves, the spray thrown up by the water gleaming like fire in the new dawn.
He had to tell her.

I found the transition of the decision here a bit too short, especially because I lacked the necessary input as to why he took this step now. Of course it's clear that he has to go this way, but I as a reader miss Zoltar's thought process. I would have added a few small sentences to help the reader understand this process.

"I haven't been totally honest with you. I'm not who you...I'm not really an outcast," his voice shook as he spoke, his wings having dropped to his sides, "I promise I'll tell you everything, but you must trust me on this one thing. Your lives depend on it."

Oh Zoltar, you should have at least prepared a little. :D

In summary, I found it a fitting chapter. We've reached a point here again where this dichotomy of Zoltar's is well shown, where he has to choose between an adult and a child and face the consequences for something he himself brought into being. Apart from the one point I mentioned, I think it was a really good chapter. We are moving on again to a new climax.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




felistia says...


Thank you so much for the review. This chapter was quite hard to write. I feel sorry for Zoltar. I should have the next chapter out in a day or two.




If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.
— Lemony Snicket