The Quest for Fire - Into the Mists - Chapter 15

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm baaack for another review!!

First Impression: Hmm...well this is packed with a lot of things...including me nerding out over science things....so be warned as you read through, you might descend into madness...but well...its definitely exciting to finally get to this chapter, cause woohoo...we're getting to the meat of things here and the core storyline that will drive this entire series and that's always going to be exciting.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was dank inside the Ghost Talon cave and the air was heavy with the metallic scent of copper and mold. Fire rocks were embedded into the walls, casting an eerie glow along the length of the tunnel. The crimson light flickered over the damp walls and tainted the passing dragon’s scales a blood red.

The word dank is bringing back too many memories of hilarious chat conversations but other than that, this is a lovely establishing shot as always, nicely introducing us to the start of this here chapter, which I think is...going to be our awesome quest introduction chapter, let's see xD....

Zoltar walked with his head hung low as he absentmindedly watched Sidious’s tail sweep from side to side ahead of him.

What were they going to do? Krakatoa obviously had something in mind for them. Otherwise what had been that little exchange between Sidious and Racknar? What could the Ghost Talon chief possible want with them? From what he’d heard from Sidious and Racknar, it couldn’t be good.

Well...as far as whether they make it out alive goes, its actually looking good for them, but the thing they're going to end up having to do definitely isn't going to be easy and will be horrible.

He heard the clank of a spear tapping against the stone floor ahead and looked up. Two guards were stationed at the end of the tunnel, their wings and chests protected by plates of copper armor.

OKay...slight issue there, not exactly the story but more of a science nitpick, copper in general is a pretty soft metal, that would not do particular well as armor, there might have been instances of that being used wayyy back in the day, but honestly bronze is really what you want to go with, if you want that level of armor, copper is just going to break ridiculously easily, especially when you're dealing with attacks from dragons who I assume are more powerful than a human. Also maybe leather with copper reinforcements, but pure copper on its own is just a big nope...

The dragoness stepped forward, spear in paw. She glared at Zoltar and Hisster, baring her teeth at them as she faced Sidious.

“Shadow Talons,” she scorned, yellow smoke curling over her horns “You couldn’t have found a weaker bunch if you’d tried. What is Krakatoa going to do with these scrawny lizards?”

Hmm...well physically, she isn't exactly wrong...but hmm...those guys can do a bit more than you might realize.

Sidious snorted, waving a paw dismissively at her “Sabara, please. These two will do just fine.”

He brushed past her, disappearing into the tunnel ahead. Hisster and Zoltar hung back, a little unsure under the dragoness’s mocking gaze.

Rolling her eyes, she waved her spear at them, “In you go.”

Hmm...well we're definitely getting a very clear indication that the shadow talons were expected to arrive there...so that's certainly an interesting detail to try and see exactly why that might be.

Hisster glowered as he walked past her, flicking his tail irritably. Flattening his ears, Zoltar slunk after him.

He thought the Ghost Talons would have shown Hisster a bit of respect, being that he was chief of the Shadow Talons. He outrank all, but Krakatoa. Dragons were expected to respect their leaders, regardless of what tribe they came from.

Well...they certainly don't respect him here, soo...hmm...well it probably has to do with the fact that he is a mere general and not exactly from the royal family.

Though, maybe they didn’t see him as a leader.

Technically he wasn’t supposed to be chief. He wasn’t of royal blood. If the disaster had never happened, he would have remained a general. It was only because of the volcano and the loss of the royal family that he’d been granted the role of chief. Maybe the Ghost Talons saw it as an illegitimate rule and so scoffed at the thought of Hisster begin the head of the Shadow Talons. A Fake leading a tribe of weaklings.

Well...I probably should've read the next paragraph before commenting there...xD..well I'll just leave that in for now.

Zoltar clenched his teeth angrily as he lashed his tail. They’d be sorry someday. The Shadow Talon tribe would make it through this and when they did, all that looked down on them would pay.

Well...you can understand his frustration there...but seriously Zoltar, you really want to make a random threat like that, cause by your own logic it makes sense for them to look down upon the Shadow Talons now, so you might not want to try to do anything rash later on...if you want the moral high ground there...otherwise I suppose you could do whatever.

His thoughts were interrupted when Hisster brushed a wing against his chest, causing him to stop.

Zoltar looked up. He hadn’t realized that they’d reached the throne room. A guard was rolling back a boulder from the entrance, the stone making an awful grating sound as it scraped against the floor.

Hmm....well the oldest of the old fashioned doors I see.

Zoltar cast Hisster an apprehensive glance as they followed Sidious in. What would the leader of the Ghost Talons want from them?

The room was large, but was lit by only a few fire stones, which glowed dimly in the dark like red dragon eyes.

As Zoltar slowly scanned the area his eyes caught on a huge, dark figure standing atop a rock platform. His heart jumped into his throat. The dragon’s eyes were like burning pools of crimson flame that gleamed in the darkness of the room, a raging fire that could swallow your soul and mind forever.

Well..there certainly was an awesome picture of this at the top. Flames outdoing herself as always...it looks awesome. And well, this is a lovely and very scary description.

Zoltar stood there parallelized, wanting to run and yet unable to as the balls of flame scanned over them, jumping from him to Hisster.

Sidious stepped forward, his head bent low and his wings spread, “Your Greatness. I have brought these Shadow Talons. They wish to discuss an alliance with you.”

He flashed his fangs as he rose, his eyes alight with a sly gleam.

Well, he might as well have held up a sign saying that he knows something that the other two don't.

The dragon in the corner snaked off the platform and into the dim light. Zoltar let out a quiet gasp. It was a Ghost Talon, but not like the ones he’d seen. Muscles rippled under its silver scales as the dragon walked. Atop its two twisted horns was shining crown of copper and each of its paws had six glinting talons unlike the normal five.

Well he's certainly a royal talon...and heyy...copper crown sounds plausible, much like gold, which is also a pretty soft metal, those are great for decoration pieces.

“Ah Hisster,” Krakatoa growled, his gleaming eyes narrowing to menacing slits, “Finally, you’ve come to your senses. Have you come to accept my offer?”

Hisster flattened his ears, a low hiss imitating deep within his throat as he glared at Krakatoa, “Yes, but the conditions have changed. I want your army to secure the Wisp Talon Island for my tribe. If you agree to do that…” He huffed, gritting his teeth, “then I will complete the mission for you.”

Oooh...secret dealings I suppose. Hmm...well Hisster has now managed to earn himself several more and very valid points of suspicion cast upon him, in this version of the story, uh oh...someone's keeping secrets from their tribe.

“Very well then Shadow Talon,” Krakatoa purred, “You have my word.”

Zoltar stared at Hisster. Krakatoa knew him? More than that, they’d talked about the Shadow Talons’ plight before. How long ago had this happened? What was this mission Hisster had agreed to?

On the bright side, Krakatoa seems a little bit less of a jerk this time...he's not doing his Imma kill everyone if you don't do this routine...which is a different direction for his character, and hmm....well I think I might like this one more

“Sidious,” Krakatoa gestured towards a copper stand across the room, “Give Hisster the scroll.”

Sidious dipped his horns as he moved over to the stand. Grasping the scroll in his talons, he walked over to Hisster and placed it in his paw.

Wohoo...here comes the legendary scroll for me to start theorizing about...well, let's get to it then, I suppose.

Still glaring, Hisster snatched the scroll and opened it. He growled as his eyes ran over the words.

Zoltar leaned over as he tried to read the scroll.

Here we goo....

The Seven Tribal Stones

A Wisp Talon Opal

An Ice Talon Diamond

A Moon Talon Moonstone

A Wind Talon Sapphire

A Sea Talon Pearl

A Ghost Talon Ruby

A Shadow Talon Obsidian

Hmm...well...that's quite a collection of precious stones...hmm...if only they jewellery shops in this world though..it would be a five minute quest....but hmmm....well, really interesting how this is going to end up complicating matters cause I'm sure this is now going to change quite a lot about how some things might have to happen...also...the ruby of the ghost talons, is Krakatoa just going to already have one...or is that something Zoltar's going to have to go get.

Zoltar inhale sharply. These were the requirements for a Power Stone. Why would Krakatoa want them to obtain in one of these? Unless… he wanted the Ruby of Fire back.

Ooooh....well...lovely way to end although...umm..so...does the Ruby of the ghost talons sorta transform into one of those with a power stone or....how does that work cause two rubies sound like it could cause some issues there....well...at least its a bit nostalgic xD cause I'm sure the ice talon diamond and the ruby of the fire are the only two things to survive from the previous draft.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, well, the plot came towards this point pretty darn well, ummm...some of Zoltar thoughts there make me think that he's gotten a little more bitter at the world than he was in the previous draft...just what I've seen anyway. Also looks like everything's been given a bit more complexity here...adding more things to find, and well, I assume a few of those things should still be easy, like the obsidian, and the moonstone, but it's adding more complexity which is fun, definitely will be interesting to see how this is going to reflect on the plot, also adding in a few more questions at this point than last time. In the previous draft, at this point, things were super clear, Zoltar had to do x in order to prevent y, but now it seems more complicated, and there are more angles to think about...soo...well...let's see....awaiting the next chapter most patiently.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi felistia,

Mailice here with a short review!

First of all, great drawing. Krakatoa looks like he just found prey and is happy that it will be so easy to get it. But I don't think he will have difficulties with bigger prey.

Let's start with some points I noticed while reading:

It was dank inside the Ghost Talon cave and the air was heavy with the metallic scent of copper and mould.

"It was dark inside"

What could the Ghost Talon chief possibly want with them?

I like how Zoltar's thoughts keep going round in circles here. It clearly shows his anxiety about what is about to happen. I can well understand this excitement. I also like how you keep going back to Zoltar and showing his thoughts, especially because he is currently taking more of a back seat because of the "diplomatic" talks.

You couldn't have found a weaker bunch if you'd tried.

I don't know here if the guard is insulting Shadow Talons in general with this, or just Hisster and Zoltar. Either way, that's not nice! Don't judge people and Talons by their looks!

Maybe the Ghost Talons saw it as an illegitimate rule and so scoffed at the thought of Hisster begin the head of the Shadow Talons.

I would be very interested to know how the individual Talon tribes are divided up hierarchically.

Zoltar clenched his teeth angrily as he lashed his tail. They'd be sorry someday.

I hope Zoltar is right about that, but it still seems rather gloomy, which I imagine...

"Yes, but the conditions have changed. I want your army to secure the Wisp Talon Island for my tribe. If you agree to do that..." He huffed, gritting his teeth, "then I will complete the mission for you."

I'd love to read a resume from Hisster sometime, and would like to see what he would put in it. A Talon full of mysteries. I´m still not so sure if he´s in the long run a good or bad Talon... That makes him an extremely interesting character.

Unless... he wanted the Ruby of Fire back.

This seems like a new story arc is developing here!

So, I don't think the chapter disappointed after you spent so long building up to it with the last chapter there to give the reader a chance to engage with Zoltar and to some extent the Ghost Talon. You did a good job of describing the short journey to that point, and I'm conflicted about how that conversation went.

I recognise that Krakatoa is not a Talon who beats around the bush but gets straight to the point. His first words also testified to his conviction of being superior, perhaps even profitable in terms of a possible cooperation (which I do not assume will happen in partnership). He does not even come across as arrogant, but merely bossy.

This is also the point where I think something was missing. You build up the tension very well in the last chapter to get to this one point and from one sentence to the next the information and revelations tumble (What was Hisster doing there? What is this Ruby of Fire, etc...). Precisely because you used a whole chapter to work towards this point, I would have expected a bit more conversation to emerge here. It comes across to me a bit like you've put a video on double speed.

You could perhaps lengthen it by starting with Hisster not immediately falling at Krakatoa's feet and obediently answering him, but wanting to talk about the alliance, which Krakatoa gets angry about, and a short argument ensues, where the guards also come in briefly. Then they both calm down, and Hisster has thought during those minutes to accept the offer in return for the assistance. (As an example)

Otherwise, I thought the chapter was quite neat because as a reader you finally got a lot of new questions. I like how the world is now opening up more and new information is coming in. I'm just not so sure about the name "Ruby of Fire" because you already mentioned a (Ghost Talon) Ruby in the Tribal Stones. I think that could perhaps lead to a bit of confusion if there is suddenly talk of a Ruby.

The chapter was good but short. I liked Krakatoa very much, especially because of the charisma he has. I also had the impression that the Ghost Talon in general are very disciplined and full of respect for their leader. (Also already in the last chapter). In summary, this was a little volcanic eruption of new storylines that make me curious about the upcoming chapter.

Have fun writing!

Mailice.