Young Writers Society

Hellooo, Andrew here for you’re Harsh Review! This may not be *as* long as I would hope since I’m super busy right now, but I’ll give you the best I got.
I haven’t read a ton of dragon-centric stories. I like fantasy and all, but I could never get into the whole nonhumanoid creatures thing as main characters (Warriors, and Guardians of Ga’hoole being the main two I tried) but I know it’s a huge genre, most notably the wings of fire series which my little cousin is obsessed with. I’ve never read it, but you seem to have some similarities here (at least from what I’ve heard from my obsessed cousin) being the dragon split into groups depending on their “type” and stuff.
Using tropes is something to be careful about, but not necessarily bad. If the tropes are widespread enough, you can use them without fear of stealing (like now anyone can use elves from Lord of the rings and not be ‘stealing from Tolkien’) but one must be careful not to only rely on previously established ideas. One has to make sure that if they are using tropes, they have an original take on them, or are using them in new interesting ways.
But there’s about where my expertise runs out on this genre.
Overall, this is pretty well written, with very few grammatical mistakes, and the flow of the writing isn’t bad at all, so good job there.
It suggests a bigger world, which is always nice, but as of yet, I have not seen anything about this world which really captures my interest. Cool stuff seems to be here, but nothing jumps out at me as really new or interesting from the get-go. The main character is not bad, but nothing about them is excessively interesting or likable so far. The chapter, though good, does not hook me in a way but I have no choice to go on. I am not emmidatly super hooked by a character, world, or plot. But not all stories do that, especially older ones can take decades to get started, but it does seem like more modern stories really try to “catch” you.
So yeah, I'd say the biggest issue is that this capture didn't 'kidnap me and force me to read the rest.' If I had a very high suggestion with it, I could keep reading, but nothing about the world feels expectingly new. That could definitely just be my aversion to nonhuman characters, but I’m trying to give you my honest take on how it made me feel.
Sorry that I have not read much of that genre, but I wish I could be of more help there.
The other biggest problem is that in someplace its a bit messy. Nothing a little copy editing can't solve, but it can get in the way of reading sometimes.

For strengths, I really liked your descriptions of locations, enough information to paint a vivid picture, but not too much to bore us. That’s a fine line, and one you do really well here.

Into specific!

But something prevented her from going further. Maybe it was the thought of the Death Grippers smelling the blood on the wind and ambushing the pair in the later hours or maybe it was the dreadful feeling of loneliness that caused her to look back?

He dropped down beside her, breathing heavily as he looked back at the maze uneasily. Nothing move out in the mist however and he seemed to relax after a moment or two.

He dropped down beside her, breathing heavily as he looked back at the maze uneasily. Nothing moved out in the mist, however, and he seemed to relax after a moment or two.

‘Who are these dragons?’ The Ice Talon wondered as she watched from her hiding place. She hadn’t seen new dragons on the island for nearly two years. At least she thought it had been that long. It was hard to tell how long has passed since the massacre. Every day was a fight for survival, a constant game of cat and mouse between her and the island’s residents. Keeping track of how long it had been since she’d left the Ice Kingdom didn’t really matter anymore.

Maybe it was the thought of the Death Grippers smelling the blood on the wind and ambushing the pair in the later hours or maybe it was the dreadful feeling of loneliness that caused her to look back?

Taking a deep breath she step forward and into sight.

hello, felistia! Nicole here to write a short review.



first impressions: I thought this was a really good chapter, and I can't wait to go through and read the next chapters! I really like the setup here. it seems like it will be an interesting story. I especially like the beginning:

A cool autumn breeze rustled the copper leaves overhead as a crystal blue dragoness crept through the trees. Shafts of dying sunlight cut through the withering canopy as the sun slowly sank behind the northern mountain peaks.

Keep track of how long it had been since she’d left the Ice Kingdom didn’t really matter anymore.

Hi felistia,

Mailice here with a short review!

I've actually become a silent reader here because I never managed to finish my actual review for the prologue. So, I´m back here and I try to focus on the chapter itself and not too much on the upcoming chapters to comment on forshadowings or anything like that.

Let's start by saying that I really like the map. I love that in fantasy stories when you can see that the writer has put some thought into the world and what it should look like. Kudos for that!

A cool autumn breeze rusted the copper leaves overhead as a crystal blue dragoness crept through the trees. Shafts of dying sunlight cut through the withering canopy as the sun slowly sank behind the northern mountain peaks.

No, she had this argument with herself almost every evening after the day's hunt. She had enough time. Besides if the worst came, she could just stay the night on the beach. They never seemed to venture beyond the forest.

Hastily she backed up, crouching to hide her silvery scales as best she could. She remained still, watching silently as two figures emerged from the mist.

"Ha, ha. We made it," He laughed almost deliriously, batting the dragonet lightly with his webbed paw.

The sun had disappeared behind the north mountain.

This is a very interesting world that you have dawn me into! I'm excited to discover more about the history, the characters, and so on and so forth. I do wonder how exactly these dragons chose their dwellings, and how they chose their names.

The mention of a massacre is chilling, as now I wonder whether she escaped or was let go for some mysterious reason.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! Sorry it took so long to get around to all of these, but I should be reviewing these in a row for the next few days

First Impression: Well I am loving this prologue at first glance. Its got all the prologue essentials down quite well and it seems to be encompassing everything we need here. Aaand I think I can recognize our unnamed dragonesses here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

A cool autumn breeze rustled the copper leaves overhead as a crystal blue dragoness crept through the trees. Shafts of dying sunlight cut through the withering canopy as the sun slowly sank behind the northern mountain peaks.

The dragoness glanced up at the sky, her tail flicking back and forth restlessly. It was only an hour or two before night fell. She had to be back before then.

Picking up the pace, she continued on, the growl of waves hitting the shore growing louder in her ears by the moment.

‘Maybe this is too risky. What if they decide to start their patrols early tonight? I should just retrieve my catch in the morning. It won’t hurt to go hungry just for tonight.’ She fretted as she ducked a low hanging branch.

But what if the Death Grippers found the antelope? She’d worked so hard to catch it and it was the first decent sized prey animal she’d caught in nearly a moon.

No, she had this argument with herself almost every evening after the day’s hunt. She had enough time. Besides if the worst came, she could just stay the night on the beach. They never seemed to venture beyond the forest.

The ground under paw shifted from dirt to pebbles as she approached the tree line. There it was. The maze of mist draped pillars that surrounded the island. Ocean waves crashed against the columns of black rock, tossing spray into the haze that lay beyond the beach.

The Ice Talon dragoness paused as she scanned the maze for signs of movement. One could never be too careful. You never knew when one of those things would be watching, waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting dragon.

Her golden eyes drifted along the shore and up the slope to a small mound of pebbles where she’d hidden her catch. It seemed to be untouched.

Taking a final scent of the air, she inched forward, ready to break her cover. That’s when it caught her eye. The flash of a turquoise fin trailing through the water.

Hastily she backed up, crouching to hide her silvery scales as best she could. She remained still, watching silently as two figures emerged from the mist.

‘Sea Talons!’ the dragoness inhaled sharply as she saw a not yet fully grown dragonet climbed up onto the beach, staggering under the weight of her much older companion as she helped him ashore. The male dragon was limping, holding his right front leg close to his chest as scarlet blood dripped from a deep wound.

They managed to make it a few meters up the slope before the dragonet collapsed, unable to support her father any longer.

He dropped down beside her, breathing heavily as he looked back at the maze uneasily. Nothing move out in the mist however and he seemed to relax after a moment or two.

“Ha, ha. We made it,” He laughed almost deliriously, batting the dragonet lightly with his webbed paw.

She rolled her eyes and huffed in response, her iridescent wings flopped down at her sides.

‘Who are these dragons?’ The Ice Talon wondered as she watched from her hiding place. She hadn’t seen new dragons on the island for nearly two years. At least she thought it had been that long. It was hard to tell how long has passed since the massacre. Every day was a fight for survival, a constant game of cat and mouse between her and the island’s residents. Keep track of how long it had been since she’d left the Ice Kingdom didn’t really matter anymore.

Now two Sea Talons had washed ashore. What were they doing here? Surely they knew the risks?

More importantly, what was she going to do? It was dangerous to approach other dragon tribes and besides it was hard enough on the island alone. A group of three would make more noise and would need more food. Not to mention that one was a dragonet.

No, it was in her best interest to leave them on the beach. She had enough problems of her own.

She turned to go, careful where she placed her paws so as not to alert the Sea Talons to her presence.

But something prevented her from going further. Maybe it was the thought of the Death Grippers smelling the blood on the wind and ambushing the pair in the later hours or maybe it was the dreadful feeling of loneliness that caused her to look back?

The dragonet had gotten to her paws and was helping her father clean his wound, bringing small talonfuls off sea water to wash the gash. He smiled at her and gave her a quick lick on the snout before reaching into a pouch around his neck. He pulled out something that the Ice Talon could only assume was sea weed and wrapped it around his arm, tying a knot to secure it.

“There,” he said, standing up on all four paws, although he still kept most of his weight off the wounded leg, “Now let’s see about finding some shelter for the night.”

The Ice Talon smiled faintly. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad having companions. The male Sea Talon seemed to know what he was doing and the dragonet appeared to be capable of looking after herself.

Just then a faint acidic scent grabbed her attention and she turned her snout skyward. The sun had disappeared behind the north mountain. Nightfall was here. She had to get back before the first star glittered into view. If she wanted to help these dragons she’d have to act now and get them to her cave before those creatures emerged.

Taking a deep breath she step forward and into sight.

First off, I love the map at the top! How did you make that? It gives the reader some good information about the world.

Just a quick grammatical error: "Taking a deep breath she step forward and into sight." I think you meant "stepped" instead.

I am a little curious about what kind of animals there are in this world. There is a mention of an antelope, so it seems that there are lots of different kinds of animals, but also dragons. Is this like our world, but with dragons instead of people?

The prologue is very intriguing, and the descriptions are very vivid. I am very interested to see what or who these "Death Grippers" are.

I like your map a lot, did you make it? If I were a publisher, right now I would publish this work no questions asked. The first lines alone transport me to a world so unlike my own, it is uniquely beautiful in its own right. The descriptive imagery is spot on, and the flow is enviable. The dialogue is incredible. I have a question are these like anthrosaurus, or are these full-on eastern European dragons, or are these Chinese dragons. I really want to know. I really, really like the way you cataloged their thoughts and their actions. Each line is engrossing and propels you forward at just the right pace. Tag me on the next chapter, no if, or buts about it, it is a must. Until next time!