The Quest for Fire - Into the Mists - Chapter 14

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm baaaack for another review!! This is gonna be my very first review for the Great Team Tortoise Race of 2021....sooo woohoo...here we begin...

First Impression: Okay...woo...this chapter went all out on building up that tension for the quest being offered in the next one and I can say this would definitely be an awesome addition, you can really feel the anticipation and fear build up in Zoltar here and simultaneously it gets built up in you too

Anyway let's get right to it,

The thin rim of the sun had begun to peak over the distant horizon, its light starting to brush away the shadows hanging over the vast grassland. Dawn was here, though Zoltar only knew this because of the golden hue flickering over the grass tips. The foliage was higher than his horns now and towered over him. Apart from the brightening sky, it was all he could see.

Aaaand starting with a lovely touch of description as always...always nice to see first thing in the morning.

He had no clue where they were and yet the seven Ghost Talons traveling with them moved with confidence, only stopped every now and then to utter a series of high pitched clicks, before continuing.

Zoltar looked over at Hisster. He was silent, his eyes trailing the ground as they walked. Zoltar could only imagine what he was thinking. He must know that the Ghost Talons weren’t going to accept their gold.

Hmm...Hisster probably knew the gold wasn't going to be accepted from before they flew in, he was just hoping for the best there probably and not trying to freak Zoltar out.

He tore his eyes away from his chief and focused on the Ghost Talon ahead of him, their steel grey scales taking on a warm glow in the morning light.

He could only hope that Hisster would come up with a plan to get out of this. He always had, no matter the circumstances. He’d always been reliable on the battle field. Though that had been back when he was a general, not their chief. It was different now.

Ehh...battles plans are only so useful when you're surrounded by a bunch of large and deadly dragons on their territory...what they need now is negotiation skills...xD

Flattening his ears, Zoltar sighed. This wasn’t like a war. You couldn’t just fight your way out of a situation like this. You had to be diplomatic, a skill that Hisster had never been the best at. There’d been no need to at the time. Who could have predicted that the entire royal lineage of Shadow Talons would have been wiped out in one fell swoop? It was just one of the many things their tribe hadn’t prepared for and now, they were suffering for it.

Aaaand he totally copied my words there...Zoltar...you know that's not a nice thing to do...but also...wow...I didn't even realize the Shadow Talons would've had a royal lineage judging by the previous version of the book...but hmm...this little addition definitely makes sure you know that they also once had a royal line, they were all just wiped out by that volcano eruption.

The early morning mist hanging over the grasslands had all but burnt off when Zoltar heard the hum. It was quiet at first, a low buzz in the distance, but as they drew nearer, it rose until it was a constant drone, like the whine of a thousand mosquitoes. It was coming from all around them now, bouncing through the cool morning air.

I'm guessing that's the sound of hundreds of Ghost Talons navigating their way around this place.

Racknar, along with the other Ghost Talons joined in with the chorus, adding their own shrill clicks.

Zoltar glanced over at Hisster, casting him a questioning look. Hisster bared his teeth ever so slightly, his back spines bristling. There could be hundreds of Ghost Talons all around them now. They must be getting close.

It wasn’t long before the group broke onto a well-trodden path, surrounded on all sides by grass. As Zoltar examined it, he saw that the stalks had been intertwined with one another, braided together to form the tunnel. He realized now why they hadn’t been able to find the Ghost Talons from the air. Any and all pathways were carefully hidden by the grass.

Oooh...that certainly some pretty intricate description there to really show just what the area that the Ghost Talons inhabit looks like. Once again this is showcasing some awesome world building as we we get to see just how the different dragon tribes use the land they live in to shape some pretty awesome structures that also happen to suit their various abilities.

The tunnel was cramped and forced them to walk in single file as they made their way along it. The ground sloped downwards at a rather steep angle and Zoltar found himself digging his claws into the earth to prevent slipping.

Hmm...wouldn't Hisster and Zoltar be able to not do single file though...or do I imagine the Ghost talons larger than they actually are...cause in my mind a passageway that lets Ghost talons pass in single file would be big enough for two shadow talons side by side...hmm I'm probably imaging them larger than they should be...xD

As they descended, the foliage making up the walls was slowly replaced by hard packed dirt as they journeyed deeper into the earth.

Zoltar tried to calm his nerves. The walls seemed to press in on him as the grass making up the roof of the tunnel drew ever further away. There was no way to turn around and go back; the only path was forward.

Well...that's a lovely tactic used here by the ghost talons to instill fear into these two...cause I'm assuming maybe this is set aside for people visiting the chief like this, I can't imagine a super crammed tunnel being very comfortable for regular daily use by the tribe.

He was on the verge of panic when the tunnel finally came to a stop and they walked out into sunlight once more.

Zoltar gasped, craning his neck to look around. They were in a gorge. Sheer rock walls surrounded him on both sides, slanting upwards into a narrow opening a few hundred dragon lengths above him. The slit was well covered by the overgrown foliage hanging along its edge. A few thin blades of morning sunlight managed to pierce through, hasting pools of light that were surrounded by shadow.

AHh...more awesome descriptions....I'm guessing this is the sort of meeting point for most of the passageways in their land.

The cliff sides were littered with cave openings. Ghost Talons flew from one to the next, dropping glowing crimson fire rocks into various sprawling piles scattered over the canyon floor.

A few dragons stopped and hovered, cocking their heads curiously at the new comers. Most seemed to ignore them though, choosing instead to give a respectful dip of their horns towards Racknar, before returning to their work.

Well...this tells us just how much respect the Ghost Talons give Racknar, looks like he isn't just your average scouting patrol here....

Zoltar eyed them, half wary and half as curious as they were. What were they thinking? They knew what had happened in the Shadow Lands. The fire rock traders still flew in every few moon cycles. Did they pity them or did they see them as worthless survivors, barely clinging to life?

Zoltar dropped his gaze. What did it matter anyway? If Krakatoa didn’t help them, there wouldn’t be any survivors left to scoff at.

Hmm...well that's certainly a very interesting few thoughts there...to try and imagine what the other dragons would be thinking of their plight...would they genuinely empathize like some of the characters we'll meet further down the line or would they see them as a lost cause. Lots to think about in this chapter...xD

Up ahead the gorge took a sharp turn to the left. Four Ghost Talon guards were stationed there, spears gripped tightly in their forepaws. Zoltar felt their scarlet red eyes pass over him as Racknar led them through, their scornful gaze lingering as they watched them pass

Shaking out his wings, Zoltar focused back on the path. He noticed that the gorge was narrowing, going from around four to five dragon lengths across to only two to three. It didn’t seem to widen out up ahead either. Instead it continued to taper, ending in a narrow slit a few caves down.

Hmm...well that is the passageway to the room with Krakatoa I suppose...been a loong time since I met that guy.

The feeling of being trapped returned to him, stronger than before. He couldn’t fly out or even run, not with the guards behind him. The only way out was the tiny tunnel they’d come through a few moments ago. If anything were to go wrong, they’d be trapped.

Zoltar shivered, ruffling his wings as he tried to stay calm. They were here to see Krakatoa. Once they were finished with the meeting, they could head back out into the open air. He just had to keep it together until then.

Yup...keeping it together in there will be very important Zoltar.

“And who have you got here Racknar?” drawled a Ghost Talon in an oily voice.

Zoltar’s back spines bristled as he watched the dragon step out of the cave in front of them. The Ghost Talon walked with an air of superiority, his crimson red frill spread in display of power.

“Sidious… these Shadow Talons wish to talk to Krakatoa. They want to negotiate an alliance with him. I’m sure they’ll be able to offer him just what he’s looking for,” Racknar hissed, waving a talon at Zoltar and Hisster as he beckoned them to step forward.

Hmm...when you hear a statement like that...you know something is up....also that its time for them to be handed a horribly challenging quest...

Sidious flicked out his forked tongue, eye them like they were bugs on a wall, before flashing his teeth, “Splendid. I’ll let him know that you’re here.”

He turned to another Ghost Talon standing just in the mouth of the tunnel, whispering something that Zoltar couldn’t quite catch. The Ghost Talon nodded and disappeared back into the cave.

Well...it looks like that was to inform the chief of the arrival...nice detail there to show a few gatekeepers before the actual chief...in a dragon tribe which hasn't lost most of its numbers, that is to be expected.

“I’ll take care of them from here, Racknar. You may return to your duties,” Sidious sneered, flicking his tail in a dismissive manner.

Racknar flashed resentful glare at Sidious, but didn’t say anything as he and the other soldiers turned and headed back up the gorge. Zoltar watched them leave, suddenly wishing he was going with them.

Oooh..some tension between those two...well that's an interesting detail that I'm just going to casually note down for later...in case it ever becomes relevant...

“Come, come. We don’t want to keep Krakatoa waiting now, do we?” Sidious hissed, batting his wings at Zoltar as he began ushering them into the tunnel.

Reluctantly, Zoltar stepped into the gloom, the last traces of sunlight lost as they entered the cave.

Hmm...you definitely don't want to keep that dude waiting...also...lovely cliffhanger there at the end...everything being suddenly plunged into darkness is a very appropriate for this particular chapter, considering what comes next...

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this chapter makes a lovely addition to the story...and well I can't wait to see what you've done with the chapter offering the quest cause if I remember correctly that's undergone a couple of changes perhaps from the last time we saw that fateful piece of paper....well...very excited to see when we run into that...but until then...

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi felistia,



Mailice here with a short review!

Let's jump right into this chapter:

Dawn was here, though Zoltar only knew this because of the golden hue flickering over the grass tips.

Again, I fall into your world when you describe the nature and environment around Zoltar with such description. Most of your chapters start with that, and it makes them seem like the beginning of a dream, where you don't know how you got here. Here, in this sentence, I like the beginning, how you put "Dawn was here". It seems like it's a person and gives the whole mood here an ominous future.

Zoltar looked over at Hisster. He was silent, his eyes trailing the ground as they walked. Zoltar could only imagine what he was thinking. He must know that the Ghost Talons weren't going to accept their gold.

I like how you manage to portray the two characters a little in this section. Hisster's silence is worth its weight in gold, as is Zoltar's ignorance of what is to come.

He tore his eyes away from his chief and focused on the Ghost Talon ahead of him, their steel grey scales taking on a warm glow in the morning light.

I would separate the sentence here into two smaller sentences, not because it's too long, but because the beginning doesn't match the end. Or you could rewrite it a little bit to connect it with Zoltar's gaze.

He always had, no matter the circumstances. He'd always been reliable on the battle field.

Here Zoltar and Hisster seem to have marched through, otherwise battlefield would be written together.

Zoltar tried to calm his nerves. The walls seemed to press in on him as the grass making up the roof of the tunnel drew ever further away. There was no way to turn around and go back; the only path was forward.

It's interesting to see how he's afraid of the tunnel here, or more in a kind of respect. I like that you can see that and also see that he gets nervous very quickly. The reader is still aware from the last chapter that the Ghost Talons are a bit bigger than the Shadow Talons, which gives the whole situation and Zoltar's nervousness another turning point.

The slit was well covered by the overgrown foliage hanging along its edge. A few thin blades of morning sunlight managed to pierce through, hasting pools of light that were surrounded by shadow.

It must be very nice to be down there in the coolness, and yet enjoy a little of the sun shining through the foliage.

What did it matter anyway?

I would paraphrase it here a little bit to: What did it matter anyway to him? Read this way, it seems as if the narrator is showing indifference here.

He noticed that the gorge was narrowing, going from around four to five dragon lengths across to only two to three.

It's great that you've given an approximate number of the size here, rather than a concrete one. This gives the reader a better view of the size information and they can imagine it better.

Sidious flicked out his forked tongue, eyeing them like they were bugs on a wall, before flashing his teeth, "Splendid. I'll let him know that you're here."

That leaves me a little uneasy.

Reluctantly, Zoltar stepped into the gloom, the last traces of sunlight lost as they entered the cave.

This is such a dark ending you've created here and I like it.


I don't know why I'm a little uneasy after reading the chapter, but I think it's the combination you build of nervousness, tension and Zoltar's thought processes. You create a very real picture of the situation and how hopeless it can be for them. Especially towards the end, I think it becomes clear that Zoltar and Hisster don't really have a good chance of getting what they want. Equally, whether they have the chance to escape at all. I'm really curious!


You manage to create a very special suspense with this chapter. I like it because the further you read, the deeper you sink underground, just like Zoltar and Hisster as they make their way through the home of the Ghost Talons. I was on board with every section, hoping something would happen now. Then the end came and I continue to be wrapped up in suspense. This chapter is a very effective arc of excitement, like the uphill ride of a roller coaster and before it goes downhill, the chapter ends. I liked that very much.


I also really like how you manage to make the chapter dynamic and exciting without using dialogue (apart from the ending). You also manage to make an interesting story out of actions that are moving and change the landscape. Especially the transition from the forest to the tunnel is well done. Your descriptions are great again and give the reader this insight into your world. It works in a positive light what you describe, showing how beautiful nature is and how little it cares about the Talons' situation. I think it's a great managed contrast between nature and the feelings of the Talons.


In summary, it was a great chapter, with a really well constructed arc. You really got me very excited here. Much more.


Enjoy the writing!



Mailice.