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The Shadow and the Stage

by Snoink


As I stumble onto the stage
My shadow walks beside me, without complaint
Silent slender feet padding onto the floor
Its ankles clinging to my own
Wobbly ones, weak from tripping
And falling in my attempts
To dance.

And I’m only a clumsy fool
Who can barely hold a tune
Let alone captivate
A thousand pairs of eyes
And sometimes I wonder
Why I even bother.

But as the spotlight grows,
My shadow grows bigger
Thinner
Much more stretched out
And I as I flail
Blindly across stage
My shadow follows me
Tied to my ankles
And begins to dance
Twisting, jumping, soaring, melting –
A lily in the wind –
Until at last we stop
Breathless

And the applause comes to me.


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Wed Aug 30, 2006 10:30 pm
Snoink says...



Hahaha... but see! I'm not afraid of writing fiction, so that's why FREAK's so good. Poems are frankly very scary though, so *shivers*

Okay. I'll try not to be afraid of them. ;)

And we love the word "flails!" :D

Okay... thank you for all your reviews! I'll be definitely editing this one to make it prettier. :)




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Wed Aug 30, 2006 4:37 pm
-KayJuran- wrote a review...



Um... there is no way I can match Gummy's critique but I'll try to give you a good one all the same. :)

First of all...

And I as I flail


I would have known it was your work just from this line! I'm not sure I know anyone who writes *flails* so much as you. ;)

Ahem, as for the actual sentence.. I'm not sure it makes sense. I mean, it could do, in the right context.. but here, I don't think it does. Just take away the first 'I' or something.

I definitely like the idea of the shadow being able to dance, and being so graceful, when the girl - I guess it's a girl - seems to think she can't..

I'm not so keen on the ending; maybe, you could find a better way to finish off. The last sentence just didn't seem as dramatic an ending as it could have been.

Hope I helped,

Kay




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Wed Aug 30, 2006 4:12 pm
xanthan gum wrote a review...



As I stumble onto the stage
My shadow walks beside me, without complaint

This beginning was weak. I think the "without complaint" was the dull tag-on here.

Silent slender feet padding onto the floor
Its ankles clinging to my own
Wobbly ones, weak from tripping
And falling in my attempts
To dance.

^I like this

[s]And[/s] I’m only a clumsy fool
Who can barely hold a tune
Let alone captivate
A thousand pairs of eyes
[s]And sometimes I wonder
Why I even bother. [/s]

But as the spotlight grows,
My shadow grows bigger
Thinner
Much more stretched out


You could compact this description

And I as I flail
Blindly across stage
My shadow follows me
Tied to my ankles
And begins to dance
Twisting, jumping, soaring, melting –
A lily in the wind –
Until at last we stop
Breathless

The climax could have been built up better. For somebody who takes my breath away in FREAK, I know it's possible for you to glue me to the screen in anticipation. (That sounds so awkward...)

And the applause comes to me.


Nice ending. Get rid of the capitalization at the beginning of every line - go through it like it's a sentance. Avoid using "and" so much, too. It makes it sound like a grocery list. I like the entire theme. But it's described in such an omniscient point of view - I'd like something more personal.




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Wed Aug 30, 2006 5:32 am
bubblewrapped wrote a review...



Well, since you asked so nicely...I'll take this verse by verse.

As I stumble onto the stage
My shadow walks beside me without complaint
Silent slender feet padding onto the floor
Its ankles clinging to my own
Wobbly ones, weak from tripping
And falling in my attempts
To dance.


I really like this stanza, it's very vivid. If I might be permitted a wee bit of tweaking, though...

As I stumble onto the stage,
my shadow walks beside me, without complaint.
[Its] silent, slender feet pad across the floor
[s]Its ankles [/s]clinging to my own wobbly ones,
weak from tripping and falling in my attempts
to dance.

[s]And I’m[/s] [I am] only a clumsy fool
Who can barely hold a tune,
Let alone captivate
A thousand pairs of eyes,
And sometimes I wonder
Why I even bother.


Another nice verse. With the last two lines, though, it's veering perilously close to the cliche -- perhaps something different, like a question or a metaphor...but it's up to you.

But as the spotlight grows,
My shadow grows bigger, thinner,
[s]Much more stretched out.[/s] [stretching out]
And as I flail blindly across stage,
My shadow follows me, tied to my ankles
And begins to dance;
Twisting, jumping, soaring, melting –
a lily in the wind –
Until at last we stop
Breathless

And the applause comes to me.


I've tweaked a bit of the structure here too, but I definitely love the ending. You might want to fix the capitalization on every line (it kind of detracts from the effect a bit IMHO) and a few commas etc. need to be added (I cant tell where either...it's been AGES since I last critiqued something). Other than that, though, its quite good! I like the way it reaches a climax at the end and the stop is kind of sudden, like the way some bits of music end, you know? Going up up up up up and then brup braaaaaaaah....OK I sound demented. Ignore me. So basically it could use a wee bit of a polish, but otherwise I like it :D




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Wed Aug 30, 2006 4:57 am
Elizabeth wrote a review...



As I stumble onto the stage
My shadow walks beside me, without complaint
Silent slender feet padding onto the floor
Its ankles clinging to my own
Wobbly ones, weak from tripping
And falling in my attempts
To dance.

And I’m only a clumsy fool
Who can barely hold a tune
Let alone captivate
A thousand pairs of eyes
And sometimes I wonder
Why I even bother.

But as the spotlight grows,
My shadow grows bigger
Thinner
Much more stretched out
And I as I flail
Blindly across stage
My shadow follows me
Tied to my ankles
And begins to dance
Twisting, jumping, soaring, melting –
A lily in the wind –
Until at last we stop
Breathless

And the applause comes to me.

**************
My shadow walks beside me, without complaint

Too long, shorten it…

And falling in my attempts
To dance.


Me liked…. But I think you can do with putting it as one line.

And I’m only a clumsy fool
Who can barely hold a tune
Let alone captivate


Take out the first AND. I think you need something to divide the TUNE:LET thing… Comma might work. I also think you can put in more than just hold a tune, like something else creative the character feels she lacks in.

And take out the AND on the very last line, just let it be the “Applause Comes to Me.”

I liked the rest of it… And throughout nearly the entire piece you needed commas at the end of some lines…. I can’t tell where, I’m out of practice. Also, you use too many small words… I think you should totally use bigger words than tied and breathless and… yeah…

Here’s MY personal rewrite, chose what you want of it to use….
**************

As I stumble onto the stage
Without complaint my shadow follows with
Silent slender feet padding on the floor.
Its ankles clinging to my own,
Wobbly ankles, weak from tripping
And falling in my attempts to dance.

I’m only a clumsy fool, I can barely hold a tune,
Barely sing, smile, socialize
Let alone captivate a thousand pairs of eyes
And sometimes I wonder why I even bother.

But as the spotlight grows,
My shadow grows bigger, thinner
Stretching out as I flail
Across the stage, blind but aware,
As my shadow follows me
Bound to my ankles and legs
And begins to dance
Twisting, jumping, soaring, melting –
A lily in the wind –
Until at last we stop exasperated.

And the applause comes to me.





We're all stories in the end.
— 11th Doctor