z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Reflections on John 10:11

by Snoink


Break my legs, like a little lamb,
if ever I dare to leave your light --
Just hold me in your gentle hands

How quick to evil am I to plan
And even quicker do I turn to flight --
Break my legs, like a little lamb!

Too long have I been among the damned
And my heart fears everlasting night --
Just hold me in your gentle hands.

My evil is clear, I shall fear no remand --
How could I pretend that I was ever right?
Break my legs, like a little lamb.

But don't be too harsh, Lord, I can barely stand.
Can you not see that my heart is contrite?
Just hold me in your gentle hands!

I shall carry my cross to your holy land
And please, if you I ever should dare to fight:
Break my legs, like a little lamb;
Just hold me in your gentle hands.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
508 Reviews

Points: 10170
Reviews: 508

Donate
Fri Sep 13, 2013 8:07 pm
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



It felt like the cadence (*smiles* sorry, that has a funny connotation for me) of the poem was a little off, like there was an extra beat in one line, a misstep in another. I liked how you tried to stick with Break my legs, like a little lamb and Just hold me in your gentle hands, but there were times when it felt like you were just putting it in there to keep the pattern. I'm not much of a poet, but I hope this helps!




User avatar
109 Reviews

Points: 7831
Reviews: 109

Donate
Fri Sep 13, 2013 6:54 pm
ajruby12 wrote a review...



Nicely done! But there's just a certain ring about it that seems to not fit together quite right. And a couple of the phrases I don't really understand what you're trying to state. But I like the way you phrased it and the wording as well. It's a very deep and touching piece of work. Great job and hope you have an awesome day!




User avatar
131 Reviews

Points: 33
Reviews: 131

Donate
Thu Sep 12, 2013 5:23 pm
Monsters wrote a review...



I don't believe in techniques too much so I won't pester you if you don't follow all the rules; in the end its just a poem.

Break my legs, like a little lamb,
if ever I dare to leave your light --
Just hold me in your gentle hands


Aha, all these lamb references and you brought back emotion to the cliche, nice job. Sometimes its not about not having cliches its about twisting them. Also it is understandable even while people don't know the references behinds the scene so there are layers and they fit.

How quick to evil am I to plan
And even quicker do I turn to flight --
Break my legs, like a little lamb!


First two lines are confusing. "how quick to evil am I to plan?", "And even quicker do I turn to flight?" It is hard to follow and doesn't make much sense to me even if it was for the sake of the villanelle. The first line gives me the same impression when I am taking a test and there is a question that has like 3 double negatives in it. I feel like it can be easier to understand. The second I don't even know where you are going with it.

I don't really know how to solve this but you are the writer not me. :D

Too long have I been among the damned
And my heart fears everlasting night --
Just hold me in your gentle hands.


Perfect. Really this seems like a stanza taken from a famous poem.

My evil is clear, I shall fear no remand --
How could I pretend that I was ever right?
Break my legs, like a little lamb.


Powerful as well. Love this.

But don't be too harsh, Lord, I can barely stand.
Can you not see that my heart is contrite?
Just hold me in your gentle hands!


Oh my gosh, perfect, lovely, other synonyms of that nature.

I shall carry my cross to your holy land
And please, if you I ever should dare to fight:
Break my legs, like a little lamb;
Just hold me in your gentle hands.


:D

So there are issues, I think but you have something here. gj




Snoink says...


Oh, darn it... you are right. I am the writer. :P I'll figure something out! That stanza bugged me too, but I was afraid I was being too nitpicky. It's good to have someone with fresh eyes point those things out. ^^;;



User avatar
131 Reviews

Points: 33
Reviews: 131

Donate
Thu Sep 12, 2013 4:51 pm
Monsters says...



villanelle LD, good job. I might review it soon




User avatar
363 Reviews

Points: 28237
Reviews: 363

Donate
Thu Sep 12, 2013 6:01 am
DreamWork wrote a review...



Hi Snoink,here is Dark to give review on your poem.

I love this poem so much!The words you use are enough to make me unnerved. I mean, it really touched my heart.It's pretty easy to understand and which there is an element of repetition in the poem used as an emphasis on the theme of the poem.

#Break my legs, like a little lamb;
Just hold me in your gentle hands. -->This meant so much to me.

I can feel the deep emotions here that makes this poem special. Not just praise God, but admits our own weaknesses.

Overall,you have such an amazing poem here!Good job-kudos!
Cheers,
~Dark




Snoink says...


Thank you so much! ^^;; Praising God is always glorious, but it's so beautiful to be able to admit our weakness to God, since to do that means to surrender completely. And that is really awesome!




"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind