z
  • Home

Young Writers Society



To You, My Twin (and Favorite Partner in Crime)

by Snoink


Jessa and I wrote this to our twins Kayde2 and Griffinkeeper. We love you guys, and you two are definitely our favorite partners in crime! :)

This is for the Poetry Pairs contest. Please critique! :)

~

I'm sorry for stealing all your birthday cake
and blowing out your candles
and stealing all your presents and wishes.
But I only did it because
when you're the oldest, that's what you do.

Not that I'm really the oldest.
Technically, the sperm hit the egg at the same time,
but someone has to take the job of being the big sister.
And besides, you kicked me when we first met
and stole the space that was originally intended for just me.
For eight months I was forced to share
with you, the wiggler who sat on my head
and punched me in the stomach.
Mommy thought it was a war between the two of us,
and when we were finally born, she said
the doctor was simply breaking us apart.

The doctor: our first referee, but not our last,
because we couldn't stop kicking, biting, scratching, or screaming.
Mommy said once we learned to walk, it was all over
because no corner of the house was left unharmed by our little hands.
But sometimes in the night we were quiet
and those were the nights Mommy worried the most.
She would check on us constantly and watch
as we slept with our hands curled around each other's,
causing her to kneel down and cry at the sight,
though, admittedly she was rather exhausted at the time.

We were an exhausting bunch.
As we proudly marched out the door for kindergarten,
we were the cutest couple in the lot and
the teachers were absolutely terrified.
We confirmed their fears -- partners in crime,
we were the twin terrors and nobody could tell us apart.
And even though all our teachers were already confused
we did not hesitate to trade places and pretend to be each other
for silly things at first, like that time that you wanted the extra milk, so
I lined up for you in the school cafeteria and gave you my carton.
And that time you were afraid of the deep water
so I jumped off the high dive for you.
Our switching didn't work for that math test --
my handwriting betrayed us and we were grounded,
forced to live without TV or dessert for two weeks.
But at night, at least I could take your place
while you snuck downstairs and stole contraband
from the cookie jar.

Still, everyone loved us -- both of us -- anyway.
Most of the time, at least.
Though we teased and joked, they knew
that it was only because we loved each other
that we could pull off the stunts we did.

And I have to admit, even though sometimes
our mind-reading powers don't work and we can't stand each other
Life would be boring without you to share it with.
We've been through it all and somehow we've survived
and I'm always thankful you were by my side.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
20 Reviews

Points: 408
Reviews: 20

Donate
Mon Mar 28, 2011 3:36 pm
ShadowPrincess16 says...



I loved this! It was...can't think of the right word at the moment but it was really good. I couldn't find any flaws that were big enough to say anything about so I guess all I can do is praise you for your amazing poem!




User avatar
884 Reviews

Points: 28282
Reviews: 884

Donate
Mon Mar 28, 2011 1:44 am
StoryWeaver13 wrote a review...



I love this! I wish I felt the same closeness with my sister. This was so cool, it just had a great kind of funny quality, but I think it was actually saying something too. Not a lot of people write happy poetry, so it was really nice to read.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver




User avatar
16 Reviews

Points: 1124
Reviews: 16

Donate
Mon Mar 28, 2011 1:32 am
HelloKitty87 says...



Perfectly well written




User avatar
498 Reviews

Points: 22451
Reviews: 498

Donate
Mon Mar 28, 2011 1:28 am
theotherone wrote a review...



Aw... I love this poem! Twins will take over the world. ;)

I don't think I've got anything bad to say. I really liked this, and like Truth said, it only makes me realize how lucky I am to have a twin to share everything with... Aw, I might cry! :P

Thanks for writing this, it was absolutly beautiful. Oh, and I laughed and read it to Truth because I thought it was too funny... She was annoyed, but oh well. ;)

*huggles Truth back*

-Other One




User avatar
1464 Reviews

Points: 83957
Reviews: 1464

Donate
Sun Mar 27, 2011 12:55 am
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hi, guys! I'm here to get whatever feedback I can muster.

Basically, I found this adorable. No matter what you do to it, your siblings are going to absolutely love this piece! You had some excellent imagery/scenes that were so touching. The voice really shone through because of that.

I'll try to take this stanza by stanza. We'll see what happens!

1. I'm sorry for stealing all your birthday cake
2. and blowing out your candles
3. and stealing all your presents and wishes.
4. But I only did it because
5. when you're the oldest, that's what you do.


I think line three breaks the pattern of the previous two, so the rhythm is wonky and unsettling.

I adore the last line. xD I don't know if you two specifically are technically the oldest or not, but I think from my perspective as a reader, there's some sort of silly sarcasm shining here. I find it adorable sibling rivalry, I guess!

And generally, I love that you started with the apology for the childish, sibling rivalry. It immediately sets a silly and lovable atmosphere which I think was intended for this poem!

1. Not that I'm really the oldest.
2. Technically, the sperm hit the egg cells at the same time,
3. but someone has to take the job of being the big sister.
4. Andbesides, you kicked me first when we first met
5. and stole the space that was originally intended for just me.
6. For eight months I was forced to share
7. with you, the wiggler who sat on my head
8. and punched me in the stomach.
9. Mommy thought it was a war between us two,
10. she would always tell Daddy the one with the last kick comes out first
11. Though we really know that you kicked last and
12. the doctor was simply breaking us apart.


I wasn't a fan of the first two lines probably because I adored the previous one so much, thus these two ruined that playful mood for me. In the third line, however, that silly tone came back! I think maybe the speaker seemed a little defensive and had to explain itself? Not sure what you want to do with that. I think the third line made up for it, so probably nothing needs to be done!

In line four, I think the "and" just bogged down that whole sentence for me. At first, I didn't think the sentence belonged here, but technically, there isn't a better place for it. It really does belong here! So I think it just had to be executed a bit better. The "and" slowed its arrival, I think (since the period before it put a slight pause already).

In lines 9/10 and 11/12 both, I'm not sure how the first clause ties in with the second. I think each clause is too independent to be joined together in one sentence? For instance, line 9 was wonderful after the wrestling match described before it, but line 10 was referring to the previous stanza and threw me off. Line 11 tied in well with line 10, but line 12 referred to line 9. xD I felt my brain was jumping around too much.

The stanza as a whole was an adorable image to the beginning of the speaker's relationship with their twin. So it's definitely wonderful!

1. The doctor...our first referee, but not our last,
2. because we couldn't stop kicking, biting, scratching, or screaming.
3. Mommy said once we learned to walk, it was all over
4. because no corner of the house was left unharmed by our little hands.
5. But sometimes in the night we were quiet
6. and those were the nights Mommy worried the most.
7. She would check on us constantly and watch
8. as we slept with our hands curled around each other's,
9. causing her to kneel down and cry at the sight,
10. though, admittedly she was rather exhausted at the time.


I'm not a fan of the ellipses/pause in the first line. I think a "was" or "may have been" would flow better for me. But the idea behind this line is fantastic. xD

Line 9, I'm not a fan of the word "causing." In fact, perhaps make lines 9 and 10 its own sentence unless you can think of a better word/phrase to replace "causing."

My faaavorite lines here are 7 and 8, though the entire stanza is filled with adorable. I wouldn't touch this one too much at all! It's so perfect.

1. When we grew up, we were no better.
2. As we proudly marched out the door for kindergarten
3. we were the cutest couple in the lot and
4. the teachers were absolutely terrified.
5. We confirmed their fears -- partners in crime,
6. we were the twin terrors and nobody could tell us apart.
7. And even though all our teachers were already confused
8. we did not hesitate to trade places and pretend to be each other
9. but they loved us -- both of us -- anyway.
10. Most of the time.


This entire stanza is just fantastic. The only line I'm iffy on is line 1. It sounds like a cop-out transition line from babyhood to childhood, buuut I'm not sure how to change it. xD

1. And I have to admit, even though sometimes
2. our mind-reading powers don't work and we can't stand each other
3. Life would be boring without you to share it with.
4. We've been through it all and somehow we've survived
5. and I'm always thankful you were by my side.


I love this stanza as well. The last two lines are a perfect finish.

----

So I basically love this poem and all it's glorious silliness and loveliness behind it. So much, in fact, that I could only pick on grammar suggestions to help smooth it out. Wonderful job, you two! Good luck in the contest, and I can definitely say your siblings will love this poem. :)

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




User avatar
229 Reviews

Points: 10997
Reviews: 229

Donate
Sat Mar 26, 2011 9:27 pm
TheTruthLiesWithin wrote a review...



AWH! I love this, it's so cute! I have a twin sister and I have to say you guys did a great job of portraying this 'partner in crime' relationship. My favorite part would be this one:

But sometimes in the night we were quiet
and those were the nights Mommy worried the most.
She would check on us constantly and watch
as we slept with our hands curled around each other's,
causing her to kneel down and cry at the sight,


And, of course,
And I have to admit, even though sometimes
our mind-reading powers don't work and we can't stand each other
Life would be boring without you to share it with.

Hooray for twin telepathy!

You guys just made me love my twin even more (If that's possible)
To all the twins out there, cherish your sibling because it's the most beautiful thing in the world and probably the only thing that may remain when you most need them to stay, the best friend that will never leave your side, the person you can tell everything -And I mean EVERYTHING-, and the one that understands you most.
*Huggles Other*

-Truth-




User avatar
62 Reviews

Points: 2401
Reviews: 62

Donate
Fri Mar 25, 2011 11:02 pm
MOIMOW says...



Hahaha. Ahhh...I wish I had a twin.
I loved it, the ending was a very sweet contrast to the rest of the sibling rivarly. Good job. Keep writing!




User avatar
12 Reviews

Points: 241
Reviews: 12

Donate
Fri Mar 25, 2011 4:23 pm
Kayde2 wrote a review...



Awww you guys that was so cute!! I loved it so much! You captured the beauty of twin-ness very well ;)

My favorite part is...

And I have to admit, even though sometimes
our mind-reading powers don't work and we can't stand each other
Life would be boring without you to share it with.


This part is so true! [Jessa we definitely need to tune up our mind-reading powers. lol.]

Alright, I did find one little thing that didn't quite make sense to me...
Though we really know that you kicked last and
the doctor was simply breaking us apart.


I feel like something is missing...it jumps straight from kicking last to the doctor breaking us apart. I feel like maybe you guys should give the doctor a little more of a lead in? But, who knows. This is your poem [well kind of our poem ;) ] But it is just something to think about.

I hope you do AMAZING at the contest! You make me proud to call you my twin! I love you!
-Kayde




User avatar
770 Reviews

Points: 30301
Reviews: 770

Donate
Fri Mar 25, 2011 3:15 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Aw, that was sweet and beautiful. Now, I want a twin also.

My brother and I are only 13 months apart, and much of this struck something inside of me.

Beautifully written, you two. Great work!

Tanya




User avatar
58 Reviews

Points: 1040
Reviews: 58

Donate
Fri Mar 25, 2011 2:34 pm
kathy45662 wrote a review...



I absolutely love this! It's very nice written and I love the descriptions of when you were still in the womb with each of your twins. Very nice! I don't have anything t osay to improve it unless you made it all rhyme but I'm one that likes rhyming poems and ones that don't so I still love it the way it is. Very interesting.





Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
— Brené Brown