I loved this! It was...can't think of the right word at the moment but it was really good. I couldn't find any flaws that were big enough to say anything about so I guess all I can do is praise you for your amazing poem!
z
Jessa and I wrote this to our twins Kayde2 and Griffinkeeper. We love you guys, and you two are definitely our favorite partners in crime!
This is for the Poetry Pairs contest. Please critique!
~
I'm sorry for stealing all your birthday cake
and blowing out your candles
and stealing all your presents and wishes.
But I only did it because
when you're the oldest, that's what you do.
Not that I'm really the oldest.
Technically, the sperm hit the egg at the same time,
but someone has to take the job of being the big sister.
And besides, you kicked me when we first met
and stole the space that was originally intended for just me.
For eight months I was forced to share
with you, the wiggler who sat on my head
and punched me in the stomach.
Mommy thought it was a war between the two of us,
and when we were finally born, she said
the doctor was simply breaking us apart.
The doctor: our first referee, but not our last,
because we couldn't stop kicking, biting, scratching, or screaming.
Mommy said once we learned to walk, it was all over
because no corner of the house was left unharmed by our little hands.
But sometimes in the night we were quiet
and those were the nights Mommy worried the most.
She would check on us constantly and watch
as we slept with our hands curled around each other's,
causing her to kneel down and cry at the sight,
though, admittedly she was rather exhausted at the time.
We were an exhausting bunch.
As we proudly marched out the door for kindergarten,
we were the cutest couple in the lot and
the teachers were absolutely terrified.
We confirmed their fears -- partners in crime,
we were the twin terrors and nobody could tell us apart.
And even though all our teachers were already confused
we did not hesitate to trade places and pretend to be each other
for silly things at first, like that time that you wanted the extra milk, so
I lined up for you in the school cafeteria and gave you my carton.
And that time you were afraid of the deep water
so I jumped off the high dive for you.
Our switching didn't work for that math test --
my handwriting betrayed us and we were grounded,
forced to live without TV or dessert for two weeks.
But at night, at least I could take your place
while you snuck downstairs and stole contraband
from the cookie jar.
Still, everyone loved us -- both of us -- anyway.
Most of the time, at least.
Though we teased and joked, they knew
that it was only because we loved each other
that we could pull off the stunts we did.
And I have to admit, even though sometimes
our mind-reading powers don't work and we can't stand each other
Life would be boring without you to share it with.
We've been through it all and somehow we've survived
and I'm always thankful you were by my side.
I loved this! It was...can't think of the right word at the moment but it was really good. I couldn't find any flaws that were big enough to say anything about so I guess all I can do is praise you for your amazing poem!
I love this! I wish I felt the same closeness with my sister. This was so cool, it just had a great kind of funny quality, but I think it was actually saying something too. Not a lot of people write happy poetry, so it was really nice to read.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Aw... I love this poem! Twins will take over the world.
I don't think I've got anything bad to say. I really liked this, and like Truth said, it only makes me realize how lucky I am to have a twin to share everything with... Aw, I might cry!
Thanks for writing this, it was absolutly beautiful. Oh, and I laughed and read it to Truth because I thought it was too funny... She was annoyed, but oh well.
*huggles Truth back*
-Other One
Hi, guys! I'm here to get whatever feedback I can muster.
Basically, I found this adorable. No matter what you do to it, your siblings are going to absolutely love this piece! You had some excellent imagery/scenes that were so touching. The voice really shone through because of that.
I'll try to take this stanza by stanza. We'll see what happens!
1. I'm sorry for stealing all your birthday cake
2. and blowing out your candles
3. and stealing all your presents and wishes.
4. But I only did it because
5. when you're the oldest, that's what you do.
1. Not that I'm really the oldest.
2. Technically, the sperm hit the egg cells at the same time,
3. but someone has to take the job of being the big sister.
4.Andbesides, you kicked me first when we first met
5. and stole the space that was originally intended for just me.
6. For eight months I was forced to share
7. with you, the wiggler who sat on my head
8. and punched me in the stomach.
9. Mommy thought it was a war between us two,
10. she would always tell Daddy the one with the last kick comes out first
11. Though we really know that you kicked last and
12. the doctor was simply breaking us apart.
1. The doctor...our first referee, but not our last,
2. because we couldn't stop kicking, biting, scratching, or screaming.
3. Mommy said once we learned to walk, it was all over
4. because no corner of the house was left unharmed by our little hands.
5. But sometimes in the night we were quiet
6. and those were the nights Mommy worried the most.
7. She would check on us constantly and watch
8. as we slept with our hands curled around each other's,
9. causing her to kneel down and cry at the sight,
10. though, admittedly she was rather exhausted at the time.
1. When we grew up, we were no better.
2. As we proudly marched out the door for kindergarten
3. we were the cutest couple in the lot and
4. the teachers were absolutely terrified.
5. We confirmed their fears -- partners in crime,
6. we were the twin terrors and nobody could tell us apart.
7. And even though all our teachers were already confused
8. we did not hesitate to trade places and pretend to be each other
9. but they loved us -- both of us -- anyway.
10. Most of the time.
1. And I have to admit, even though sometimes
2. our mind-reading powers don't work and we can't stand each other
3. Life would be boring without you to share it with.
4. We've been through it all and somehow we've survived
5. and I'm always thankful you were by my side.
AWH! I love this, it's so cute! I have a twin sister and I have to say you guys did a great job of portraying this 'partner in crime' relationship. My favorite part would be this one:
But sometimes in the night we were quiet
and those were the nights Mommy worried the most.
She would check on us constantly and watch
as we slept with our hands curled around each other's,
causing her to kneel down and cry at the sight,
And I have to admit, even though sometimes
our mind-reading powers don't work and we can't stand each other
Life would be boring without you to share it with.
Hahaha. Ahhh...I wish I had a twin.
I loved it, the ending was a very sweet contrast to the rest of the sibling rivarly. Good job. Keep writing!
Awww you guys that was so cute!! I loved it so much! You captured the beauty of twin-ness very well
My favorite part is...
And I have to admit, even though sometimes
our mind-reading powers don't work and we can't stand each other
Life would be boring without you to share it with.
Though we really know that you kicked last and
the doctor was simply breaking us apart.
Aw, that was sweet and beautiful. Now, I want a twin also.
My brother and I are only 13 months apart, and much of this struck something inside of me.
Beautifully written, you two. Great work!
Tanya
I absolutely love this! It's very nice written and I love the descriptions of when you were still in the womb with each of your twins. Very nice! I don't have anything t osay to improve it unless you made it all rhyme but I'm one that likes rhyming poems and ones that don't so I still love it the way it is. Very interesting.
Points: 408
Reviews: 20
Donate