Young Writers Society

Hi @Snoink I'm here with a review, I thought I'd come check out your poetry because I've never red any of your works before. So let's get right into this shell we.

Firstly I was really exited to read this, and you totally kept me happy all the way through. I love how you put every line to gather. It's like a real story in poetry, it gave me such feels all over. Also I no rhyming is really hard and I'm not very good at that but you did an excellent job with it. This was differently worth the read Snoink, and I'm looking forward to looking though some more of your poetry. It was real heart braking when the bird died though, real upsetting. Pure thing I hope it's death wasn't to painful. I believe you would no that there is a classical song called Bluebird, that's one of the other reasons I was drawn to this poem, because it is such a nice song and a pretty bird.

So that's it for me I guess I didn't have any criticism towards this it was awesome, you might see me looking at more of your works in the future.

I hope you have a great day/night witch ever side of the world your on.

@Dossereana Flying Over The Green Room And Spreading Shards Of Encouragement

I love the image of the bird and how you said that we are never can be free, we are always captured in our bodies and I like the silence in this poem.

Blue is my favorite color and I like it how you made the bird blue, blue can also be the same thing as ''sad'', so it has two meanings. You are a very strong Poet, I love poetry and you have talent.

Don't EVER stop with poetry cause this poem was a beautiful masterpiece that I adore so much. While I read your poem for a moment, I was a bird

Dazzle

Wow just wow! This is such an amazing poem! I don't even know what else to say! Good job!

Hello, I'm here writing you my review.

Did you write that or was it wrote already? That was very beautiful, I loved it! I was captured the whole time, but I did get sad at the very end. It flowed very smoothly. I absolutely love how the Bluebird was described!

Hi Snoink!

I know this poem has a lot of reviews but I couldn't help myself and I'm sure one more doesn't a matter.

This poem had such a wonderful flow to it and I could picture the nice day watching a blue bird so well.

I was not really expecting the ending when the bluebird got shot, and I think it shows that your poem means there is no true freedom.

If I had to choose a favourite stanza then it would be the end one. I think this poem was extremely well written and you did an awesome job! It was a great read.

Deanie x

This is a really, really nice poem!
I absolutely loved it!!!
It's very Inspiring to me and really made me think about life again. I think that's also what it's kind of meant to do...
It actually really reminds me of a poem I wrote, it has some similarities...
Anyway this has really impressed me and i hope i'll be able to read something like this again from you, I enjoyed it that much!
Happy writing...
Skermitz

I am in awe of you. Of this.
In can't even imagine how you wrote this.. It's that wonderful.

Hiya Snoink!

What a beautiful little poem! I really enjoyed and savoured every word of it! You described the bluebird perfectly in the first stanza or two, and didn't spend too much time on that, which was good. I also liked how the poem spoke about "no true freedom", and the disagreement between you and the person you're with made the poem very interesting to read.

I do agree, it is a bit sing-songish. I felt like I could probably make up a tune, and sing the poem to it. I really liked the feeling of being able to sing this. I loved the rhyming too, no line was too long or too short, it rhymed perfectly. The timing of the poem was spot-on! You go it right! Don't add anothers line or stanza, or take-away another line or stanza, because this is timed to perfection.

I really loved the last stanza. It made me giggle a bit. When both of you look at each other and not one more word was said. I think what made me giggle was the awkwardness you two would have felt. But, the concept and timing of the poem was what I adored and drove the poem to perfection!

This is definitely one of my favourites! Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf

Very beautifully written.

Yo Jojo, Isn't it Rousseau who said it? The born-free-with-shakle thingajimmy.
Any way beautiful poem, Snoinks, it's sweet

how sad the human race must be! or maybe its the writers of this world....i cant beleive i laughed at the end! poor wittle birdy! but honestly that was fantasic, now everytime i see a bird im going to have images of it falling out the sky. What are the odds? when i wrote that a bird flew past my window! alright, this site is turning me into a truly sad person, just kidding. Really loved it snoink! \:D/ (theres no birdy emoticon!) lol i love that word!

"Man was born free but everywher he is in shackles". I don't know which loony bin said that but he couldn't have been righter here. Goes 4 birds too.

Yep... you're right. I tried to make it sound okay though!

Coincidentally, the next song I wrote was "I HATE POETRY."

The first stanza was just amazing - afterwards though, it seemed like the rhymes became forced.

That was amazing. It reminded me of something from Aesops Fables or something. Love it.

I didn't anticipate the ending, but I thaught it was funny. Its all happy and philosophical(sp?) and then BANG! oops, birds dead, lol.

Yes, the poem was supposed to sound sing-songyish. I love it when poetry does that. It makes a nice lulling tone. And the writing is very simple. If I were to clog it with unholy adjectives, it would be much worse (trust me).

Was the ending that predictable? *cringes*

It wasn't a character poem though... both characters are for your imagination. I imagine the two speakers of the poem as best friends, both girls, one who is a dreamer and one who is a realist. Many others see the two as lovers. But that dosn't matter. It's the story that I'm interested in.

i thought the writing was really simple and so i foudn it to be uninteresting. i didn't believe the characters either because what defined them was too simple. in addition there's no indication for why the characters feel this way. i think more sophisticated phrasing would do wonders for this poem.

I really like this, the rhyming was a little forced in the first stanza but that was it. It had could symbolisom. Nice wrok.

I think it was very good, although I easily anticipated what was going to happen before I read to the end. But overall, it was great!

this is a really intresting poem... you described everything really beautifully and I like the way you worded it. the rhyming seemed a little bit sing-songy or dr. seussish or someting... but other than that I liked it alot. good job!! :frosty: :thumb:

I agree with everyone else therefore I have no crit of my own. Good job though and I loved how you discribed everything so beautifully but it was funny. Great work. Everything flows together well and kept me reading until the very end which I thought was the best part:

A shot resounded throughout the air
The beautiful bird fell, dead.
Together we looked at each other
And not one more word was said.

for this kind of poem, this was very good. These sort of old-style tale-poems of wisdom, the sort of stuff that I'll find in my Brit Lit text book. Not that I really like the style at all; I don't. But this was short and funny. Nothing that is literally very good, though...well, no, some of the description is good. There was one line I really liked, but I can't remember what it is. Lol.

I have been reading the comments (thank you very much!) but I've stayed rather quiet since if when I tend to speak up, it always seems to kill the thread. Anyway, thank you very much! LonelyDragon, your help was much needed because I never knew why that line was weird. Now that I'm aware of it, I can rake my head for words such as "a person." Either that or find a thesaurus.

Everyone's comments were very nice. I noticed Writersdomain said something about my adding on to this poem a little bit more. I had tried to add another stanza to the poem, but it didn't work so I deleted it. As for adding on to it a little bit more with extra descriptions... er... I don't think it'll work. Part of the power of the poem (what little power it has, ) is the surprise at the end, which needs a certain amount of timing. Otherwise, it would lack the power (I think). If you can prove to me otherwise (don't kill yourself trying to do that, ) then I can see what I can do. Otherwise I am going to find my thesaurus (I swear, it's somewhere in my room) and try to find a three-syllable word for "a person."

Thank you all!

I thought it was a really interesting subject to write about and overall liked it. I don't think I can give it crit. right now 'cause I don't know what to say, but I do suggest you use some nice similes and metaphors. Maybe describe the day and the bluebird in a more unique way. For instance with the shot thing, you said: "A shot resounded throughout the air" and moved on to where the bluebrid dies. Try saying somethinkg like: "A shot resounded through the air, shattering the stillness and peace of the beautiful day." Just somthing more descriptive in some areas, and this would be great. Nice Job! Keep writing.

I don't know, the rhyming was maybe a bit forced in some of the verses, but the whole plot was quite cool. The freedom thing.
Great job, Snoink!

I really enjoyed reading this poem. Everything up to the last stanza is so lyric and filled with tranquil images, that the last stanza catches you, and that is my opinion makes this poem that much better. I liked how you touched such a philosophical cord in the poem as well. About slavery vs. freedom, and what it is to be free. Great job.

Peace
CL

This was very well done.

And Shadow Knight, everyone approaches every poem differently, where you may laugh, others may cry. Some poems are written so strongly one way that you can only feel one way, but I don't think this was written that way at all.

Snoink, I really liked this. And I can't altogether explain why.
But, you wrote,


' “Free?” laughed I. “There is not such a thing!
Slavery is all I see.
Never have I truly set eyes on
A person completely free.” '

"A person" sounds right, but a bird is not a person...maybe it's just me. I'm not able to give you something better, "Something" does not sound as good, but it makes more sense to me.

Just a thought.

Um, I laughed at the last stanza (it is stanza isn't it? Please tell me I'm not making an idiot of myself). Ok, it's good, lol i have to agree with the point of no true freedom expressed in this poem. It rhymed fairly well. So yes, very good, and no i'm not just saying that.