Young Writers Society

The first strike knocks me down.
I choke, tasting blood as it froths in my mouth--
even the clouds blur together, shuddering as another blow comes
and rattles my bones; I am numb and I feel like I cannot
Feel and this terrifies me more than the pain ever will.

Reconstruct it she hisses as she watches me fall.
In her hands are the necessary tools:
the cleaver, the rope, the ax, the gun;
she beckons me closer.
Take it she whispers.
No, I cannot, and I regret it at once because chemicals
choke me and I fall deeper into the flask
hydrogen fluoride cutting my marrow until
I dissolve and the only part left is the
chunks of my flesh, clinging desperately to the
roots of my hair

Nice poem, scared me XD lols But its still amazing and cannot wait for more ^^ Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!!!!!
Soulkana<3

Oh goodness! First off, I flipped to this after catching your name in something that I was reading. Snoink. haha. Well anyway, when I first read it I instantly thought about Edgar Allen Poe, the morbidness of it was fantastic. I like the set up a lot and the word flow, the descriptions are great. I like it mostly because of the imagery. You're really good.

This was creepy. I LOVE IT! Based on the narrative, I'm guessing it's suicide by Drain O'?

Thi is brimming with violent awesomeness. When i saw the "reconstruct it" and "take it" in italics i thought off hissing. I saw shadows when i read this poem, a looming threat. Brilliant. I just wish i was smart enough to figure it out.

This poem strikes me as really sad and depressing. To me. I don't usually review these types of poems, but this one is good. Because it is descriptive and I like my poems descriptive. And I love the last part about chunks of flesh, and was the girl in this poem death? Because thats what I imagined her as death. but I may be wrong.

Hi Snoink!

First, I was drawn to this poem by the intriguing title. I mean, who wouldn't want to read something titled 'A Lesson in Dying'? (XD) Yet I found much more than I had expected. The imagery in this poem is so vivid it's almost alarming, and you do a fabulous job at creating the dark setting.

Nitpicks:

hydrogen fluoride cutting my marrow until #FF0000 ">For some reason, the word 'cutting' doesn't sound right. In the next line, you say 'dissolve'. Maybe I'm just being picky, but it sounds like there should be a different word there. Perhaps. . .dissipate?

choke me and I fall deeper into the flask #FF0000 ">It feels like there should be a comma here. Because without one, it reads like you're using the word 'flask' to describe the HF, and that's not right.

the piece is rather short i don't particularly get anything from it because the title does say instructions and i don't see any. We must be very careful when choosing title for these more delicate pieces because of the title the poem should have been a little longer the poem was very short and therefore it does not paint a clear picture. It does not teach me anything about dying. Although, i must say it was nice for a small piece kind of gruesome.

Snoink, I just wanted to say I really enjoyed this. The wording, the imagery, everything. My review is unneeded here, especially because...well, look above at all the other thorough reviews, and so I'll leave this as a fan comment. (SNOINK I LOVE YOU SIGN MY FOREHEAD?!! I kid!)

First off, can I say how much I love getting a point of view like this? I do. I love it. There's nothing wrong with a good poem that has a classic point of view, but take a good poem and give it interesting perspective, and you've really got something. In this, there's more than just an image of what's happening -- there's an image of whom it's happening to, and that makes a huge difference. The fact that you were able to fit that into such a short, concise poem is fantastic.

I am numb and I feel like I cannot
Feel and this terrifies me more than the pain ever will.

Hi,
I really liked your poem because it had a good use of description, especially when you describe the blood as 'froth' - i thought that was very clever.
Good work.

Hi Snoink, CaptianRandom here
i didn't like this poem, i thought it was to depressing, to many remarks about dieing, even though that's the theme of the poem i thought you could have put some positive things in it. i hope some of your other work is better sorry.

-CaptianRandom

Hey Snoink! Thanks for the review on my last poem.
As you know could probably tell, I don't know much about poetry (just an aspiring writer.) So, here is what I though

"and rattles my bones; I am numb and I feel like I cannot
Feel and this terrifies me more than the pain ever will."

Wait! Typo? Where???

And yeah... I write poetry sometimes. XD

I didn't know you wrote poetry, Snoink.
If the point of this poem was to make me feel a) terrified, b) violent and c) violently terrified, you did the perfect job. As too taking things away from the poem, well, I don't think you necessarily need to take anything away but the feeling that you just read a good piece of poetry.

Snoink wrote:shuddering as another blow comes
and rattles my bones; I am numb and I feel like I cannot
Feel and this terrifies me more than the pain ever will.

Hey, so obviously you use imagery well here. There are a few technical points I thought might be helpful to point out, though. Mostly, the two stanzas feel disjointed, there's little flow from the first to the second, they almost feel like they could be different poems. Two different good poems, but still two poems. Some parts can be a bit confusing, mostly in what does the character need to reconstruct, it's not clear, and how does the character go from being unable to drink the chemicals to drinking them. Basically, I think you could make this a great poem if you left less backstory to your reader and clarified a few points.

ps- "axe" not "ax"

=]

Yikes,kind of a sick one if you ask me. I have but one question: Have you ever been had a "Lesson in Dying"? It was well written though, looking forward to your next piece!

Tyler

The first words that popped into my head when I finished reading this were "ew" and "oh my god." I thought this was terrible and great, and greatly terrible. It made me nauseous, which means that it was a wonderfully dark poem. It scared the heck out of me, and I loved it. I think you definitely got the feel you might have wanted, and the description was good, too.

Um, so, I guess it's a good poem. +_+

-Nutty

Nice.Honestly,this put a gruesome little picture in my head but thats a good thing.

Oh, very graphic, very amazing.
There is a lot of anger and strength in this piece, the event is captured very well
There are a couple of things that could be improved, though.
This could be more lyrical, add some more adjectives and descriptions.
This focuses on playing out a scene, I recommend saying why this is happening, or use a flash back effect.
Why do you want to make us stumble on a word? As I said this piece is very graphic and making it go smothley would help it.
I sense that there is a lot of frustration in this piece, was that intentional or am I imagining things?
I think that you should describe the setting more, to add another layer.
You could turn this into a short story. Just an idea.
You might want to turn this into a series.
Does the person actually die, It's unclear.
Beside that I think you done a brilliant job.
Keep writing like you mean it

Vera

Hi
Great poem with lovely violent images but needs some simplification.

Honestly,here is something that I could really not understand:

Have the amazingly well constructed horrific images been added just for fun?

What really was the lesson learned?Only thing talked about was excruciating pain(unless that was the lesson intended).

Could this be made simpler for amateur writers to understand?

If the whole purpose of the poem was supposed to be unconventional and a little vague than the poem is really great.

Holy guacamole dude, that's far from ehhhh, that's some awesome stuff. I love death stuff.

Alright to be honest this was really good despite what some of the others might have said but they were right about some of the things in your work..

But i loved it. You are an amazing writer. And i am going to be honest i think that with your creativity and your exact detail, You could probably make it some where as a writer or as a poet.

You have great structure in your writing. And by the tone of your writing you sound confident in what you are writing and you have a great way of emphasizing the tone in this.

I am hoping to see more from you ok and good luck.

This is really, really good.
But I'm not quite sure I get what it means.
Your writing style is amazing.
I'm going to read more of your work now!

The "f" is capitalized to deliberately make you stumble on the word.

SNOINK SUCKS.

Anyway. I get really violent feelings when I read this poem, and nothing more. I don't really take anything away from this short of piece. There were only a few things that left me wondering about, and Evi pointed it out.

Feel and this terrifies me more than the pain ever will.

and rattles my bones; I am numb and I feel like I cannot

Feel and this terrifies me more than the pain ever will.

Hey Snoink! So, I think you should know that I am absolutely and undeniably terrified to review this. ^^ Just throwing that out there. I'm quaking in fear over here, in fact.

But, alas, I'm going to do it anyway. Aren't you proud of me?

and rattles my bones; I am numb and I feel like I cannot
Feel and this terrifies me more than the pain ever will.

I choke, tasting blood as it froths in my mouth--

I dissolve and the only part left is the
chunks of my flesh, clinging desperately to the