Very nice. The rhythm was especially notable. Keep up the good work. Great interperetation of the picture.
:thumb:
At first it's only one man.
He is wearing a frown and
Brown washes over the scene
And there he holds a single
Clarinet in his hands, though
It's doubtful whether it is
A clarinet at all for
So many shapes surround it.
But on a closer glance
It becomes apparent
That He is not The Man.
What was once thought of
As The Man is just
The clarinet for
The Man's face looks dead
He is unalive
As if made by wood
And He possesses such
A stern look on His
Face that you wonder
If His smile is
Just a ligature.
No, the man is
There beside his
Instrument with
A watchful eye
Careful that the
Clarinet does
Not fall or break.
People watch
Him as he
cares for his
Clarinet
And then it
Becomes clear
That the man
And the sleek
Clarinet
Are not two
But combined
Into
Only
One.
Very nice. The rhythm was especially notable. Keep up the good work. Great interperetation of the picture.
:thumb:
Meshy wanted me to look at her critique. Yay!
now, I am a nit pink when it comes to poetry. I take it you're writing about the art work here, but also as a clarinetist? i saw a lot of what you saw in the picture, but not as much intepertation.. I've not written much this way before.. writing a poem about something quite so definite, and displayed for all to see. now, to nitpick. all sugestions, as always, and becuase I know you, i'm taking a few liberities, so you know, ok? in other words, I shall be brutal. or brutal in my mind. I'm the green.
At first it's only one man.
He is wearing a frown and
Brown washes over the scene
And there he holds a single
Clarinet in his hands, though
It's doubtful whether it is
A clarinet at all for
So many shapes surround it. the line breaks seems funny to me. actually, that's what annoyed me the most throughout the piece, but after seeing the picture, I'm willing to let it slide, to an extent. they seem clumsy. i would recomend going over this again, read it as many different ways as you can.. or, to put it in musical terms, play with the articulation of it until it flows more, and then make a few deliberate breaks, but for effect. too much of an effect can be bad, and i would say it's borderline, at least for me.
But on a closer glance
It becomes apparent
That He is not The Man. why the caps? this is just me, but i tend to not like things capitalized in poetry, unless it fits, and it doesn't seem fitting. maybe take out the caps starting each line, and only capitalise what you want to emphasize (accents! like in music.. since the title is the man and the clarinet i'm going to go for a musical theme, here.. ).
What was once thought of
As The Man is just
The clarinet for
The Man's face looks dead
He is unalive
As if made by wood
And He possesses such
A stern look on His
Face that you wonder
If His smile is
Just a ligature. I love it and I.. don't. it seems to walk in circles. "looks dead" I don't like, becuase it implies, very indirectly, that a clarinet is not alive, and i disagree completely with that. maybe subuistitute "wooden" for "dead", so it reads
The Man's face looks wooden
And He possesses such
A stern look on His
Face that you wonder
If His smile is
Just a ligature
just a thought. also, it makes it not so.. circular, make sense? instead of just repeating the main theme, there's variations. enough with the music analogies, for now, you get, i think.
No, the man is
There beside his
Instrument with
A watchful eye
Careful that the
Clarinet does
Not fall or break. ack. I'm very unsure what i think of this stanza. I think the basics of what you're saying is established better in the following stanza. i'll think on it, and get back to you, if you so wish.
People watch
Him as he
cares for his
Clarinet
And then it
Becomes clear
That the man
And the sleek
Clarinet
Are not two
But combined
Into
Only
One. ending i like. it fits not only the painting, but also the shape of a clarinet.. ok, i'm done with the musical references, i do believe. but. the preceding stanza.. well, i'm going to show you what i'd do with it, ok? major nit-pick, by the way.
People watch don't like watch..but i don't have any suggestions
as he
cares for his
Clarinet
And it
Becomes clear
That (the) man
And (the sleek)
Clarinet [insturment]
Are not (two) [seperate]
But combined
() what I think can be taken out, if i hadn't done so already, [] are wording changes. presumptious of me, yeah, a little.
ok, bek out. and you seriously should write more about music, ok? I love you work with musical themes.
ah, snoinky m'dear, you're the victium of my newset critiquing spree! lucky, ne?
now, I am a nit pink when it comes to poetry. I take it you're writing about the art work here, but also as a clarinetist? i saw a lot of what you saw in the picture, but not as much intepertation.. I've not written much this way before.. writing a poem about something quite so definite, and displayed for all to see. now, to nitpick. all sugestions, as always, and becuase I know you, i'm taking a few liberities, so you know, ok? in other words, I shall be brutal. or brutal in my mind. I'm the green.
At first it's only one man.
He is wearing a frown and
Brown washes over the scene
And there he holds a single
Clarinet in his hands, though
It's doubtful whether it is
A clarinet at all for
So many shapes surround it. the line breaks seems funny to me. actually, that's what annoyed me the most throughout the piece, but after seeing the picture, I'm willing to let it slide, to an extent. they seem clumsy. i would recomend going over this again, read it as many different ways as you can.. or, to put it in musical terms, play with the articulation of it until it flows more, and then make a few deliberate breaks, but for effect. too much of an effect can be bad, and i would say it's borderline, at least for me.
But on a closer glance
It becomes apparent
That He is not The Man. why the caps? this is just me, but i tend to not like things capitalized in poetry, unless it fits, and it doesn't seem fitting. maybe take out the caps starting each line, and only capitalise what you want to emphasize (accents! like in music.. since the title is the man and the clarinet i'm going to go for a musical theme, here.. ).
What was once thought of
As The Man is just
The clarinet for
The Man's face looks dead
He is unalive
As if made by wood
And He possesses such
A stern look on His
Face that you wonder
If His smile is
Just a ligature. I love it and I.. don't. it seems to walk in circles. "looks dead" I don't like, becuase it implies, very indirectly, that a clarinet is not alive, and i disagree completely with that. maybe subuistitute "wooden" for "dead", so it reads
The Man's face looks wooden
And He possesses such
A stern look on His
Face that you wonder
If His smile is
Just a ligature
just a thought. also, it makes it not so.. circular, make sense? instead of just repeating the main theme, there's variations. enough with the music analogies, for now, you get, i think.
No, the man is
There beside his
Instrument with
A watchful eye
Careful that the
Clarinet does
Not fall or break. ack. I'm very unsure what i think of this stanza. I think the basics of what you're saying is established better in the following stanza. i'll think on it, and get back to you, if you so wish.
People watch
Him as he
cares for his
Clarinet
And then it
Becomes clear
That the man
And the sleek
Clarinet
Are not two
But combined
Into
Only
One. ending i like. it fits not only the painting, but also the shape of a clarinet.. ok, i'm done with the musical references, i do believe. but. the preceding stanza.. well, i'm going to show you what i'd do with it, ok? major nit-pick, by the way.
People watch don't like watch..but i don't have any suggestions
as he
cares for his
Clarinet
And it
Becomes clear
That (the) man
And (the sleek)
Clarinet [insturment]
Are not (two) [seperate]
But combined
() what I think can be taken out, if i hadn't done so already, [] are wording changes. presumptious of me, yeah, a little. [/color]
ok, bek out. and you seriously should write more about music, ok? I love you work with musical themes.
Wow, now that I see the picture, I'd say your original word, surround, would work better. I never imagined the picture looking like that!
this is the first post i've read since i just joined s second ago, impressed, i liked the concept of the piece, and ur choice of words, it was not predictable which is what i liked the most
Link fixed! Now you can actually see the picture!
Now that you see the picture, do you think obscure is better than surround? I think it's a good idea, but I want to see your thoughts first. ^___^
The link doesn't work for me 
.
Well, anyway, I liked the way you wrote this. When I read it, I thought it had a lot of description and depth mixed together, like you were really just describing the picture but it felt like there was something more. Hurray for clarinets!
This is great. With your good choice of words and my love for clarinets combined, I loved this. Your comparison of the man's smile and the ligature is really neat and your strategic single word line breaks at the end are powerful. I had only one suggestion:
A clarinet at all for
So many shapes surround it.
I like the short worded style of this...
*Pauses to watch Cowboy Bebop*
*continues*
I really liked it, and I like music, it gave me these floaty images and it was just magical.
And the picture link doesn't work... For me anyway.
Wow, great choice of words. I like the way you only wrote one or two words for a line.
Good work..
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