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yet another returned gift

by Snoink


If there was time-traveling, this is it
fingers lingering over embossed letters
on cheap hallmark cards --
Christmas has come, rejoice!
And in the corner scrawled out by
an arthritic hand
a declaration of love
echoing sentiments long past.

I remember when I last saw her
her eyes red and watery
magnified by huge spectacles.
And she knew, unlike I,
that Advent had passed
and now was the time for Lent.
She squeezed me with bony arms and said goodbye
with an unexplained apology
that she wouldn't be there next Christmas
and I told her that she shouldn't worry,
that I would be there, waiting for her
as always.


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Tue Dec 26, 2006 9:20 am
Sohini wrote a review...



Merry christmas to you

anyway to crit and comment:

loved the first line and the last line as well as 18 other lines which makes me say that you wrote wonnderfull well.
i lke the way you've made the poem so sad and depressing-the feeling's really well done.




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Tue Dec 26, 2006 6:53 am
Snoink says...



Yay! Thanks so much for reading and commenting. And it is kinda depressing, I suppose. >< Not really the happiest poem around anyway. But I'm glad it's depressing without being too over-the-top.

Anyway, thanks for the comments. I've edited and stuff, hehe. :D




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Tue Dec 26, 2006 6:07 am
bubblewrapped wrote a review...



Snoinkus! More poetry? Excellent ^_^

If there was time-traveling, this is it
fingers traveling over embossed letters
on cheap hallmark cards --
Christmas has come, rejoice!
And in the corner scrawled out by
an arthritic hand
a declaration of love
echoing sentiments long past
Karina Rose, we love you.
Signed? Grandma Rose...


I absolutely love the first line. But (of course LOL) there's one thing that bugs me -- the way I read it, there should be an "ever" in there somewhere. I'm not sure why exactly, but I think it reads better like "If there was ever time-traveling, this is it" or something. :? In the second line, you reuse "traveling". IMHO you should break out that new thesaurus of yours and find another word, cause the repetition is too close and it irks me **twitches** LOL. Could use some more punctuation. Also, that last line? Unnecessary. I know the poem is central to your Grandma Rose and all, but this line...**plucks at the line** yeah, it isnt working for me.

I remember when I last saw her
her eyes red and watery
only magnified by huge spectacles
covering up her eyes.
And she knew, unlike I,
that Advent had passed
and now was the time for Lent.
She squeezed me with bony arms and said goodbye
with an unexplained apology
that she wouldn't be there next Christmas
and I told her that she shouldn't worry,
that I would be there, waiting for her
as always...


"only" magnified...? You havent said they're small eyes, which is what I assume you have in mind, but "only" doesnt belong here. Nor does the next line "covering up her eyes". It doesnt fit. I like the reference to Lent; it underscores the idea of loss and hardship (to me, anyway...I always seem to link Lent with hardship/loss for some reason...) which is continued with the idea that she wont be there next Christmas. Punctuation is needed to polish up this ending; I think it works well enough as it is, except remove the ellipse please. It's much more powerful with a full stop.

Overall, though, I like this one just about as much as the doggy one. It's sweet, and just mysterious enough to be sad without being soppy :) Nice one!

Cheers,
~bubbles




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Tue Dec 26, 2006 5:55 am
Emerson wrote a review...



Snoink that is horrible depressing.


But well written. And depressing.

I guess thats good though, huh? You made me feel something, and Brad says poetry is supposed to do that! Very good poem...yeah, It certainly reaches out to you. I never knew you were a poet!





To be a master of metaphor is the greatest thing by far. It is the one thing that cannot be learnt from others, and it is also a sign of genius.
— Aristotle, Poetics