Young Writers Society

Snoink wrote:No one can match the way her breasts move
en sposina
with each breath she takes
as she sings sweetly on silver.

Very nice Karina. I felt music from this as i read each line I heard a flute. I6t's rather odd as I'm listening to rock and punk lmao. Damn my tangents. The way you incorporated the musical terms into a poem. That is an ingenius and highly original idea. But the one problem was some of the description stagnated this slightly slowed it down. You need to think how to make it all the more musical. Overall: Brilliant idea but overkill on the description.

Good luck
VSN

The word "il" is actually "the" in Italian, describing a masculine object, such as a maestro. So no, not a typo. ^^

This is unique. I love how you incorporated words like "leggero" and "pianissimo" and "forte" into the poem--it truly makes it sound more beautiful.
Also, I like how you brought up the part about the gold in the beginning and in the end of the poem. You started something and you finished it. Very nice.

One clarification: Did you put "bare despite il maestro's orders" on purpose? or was the "il" part a typo?


This is a lovely piece and I can picture a classical piece playing in my mind when I read this. Well written and a 9.7 out of 10.

This is beautiful writing! It is so fluid, so elegant, and so soft. But just when I was really into this melted vat of elegant language, the line--- "the clarinet squeak goes unnoticed"

It really threw me off. It pulled me from the subject and left me thinking- if it was unnoticed, why did it jerk me from beautifully lulling music

By drawing our attention to this flaw so suddenly and unexpectedly, it IS noticed.

If it was a bit of humor that we were shooting for, sure, it might work. I just felt it was a little jolting and it's what I remember after reading the whole poem.

Now that THAT is mentioned, haha, the rest was absolutely lovely. I liked the musical references and how I could imagine each one flowing throughout the poem. :]

I really liked this!

You know she's a flutist because
she strikes up to join the rest of her band(the band, perhaps?)
with her shoulders powdery white and
bare despite il maestro's orders. (il?)
But nobody minds and all eyes turn to her
watching how her long dress skates at her heels
and her frilly bodice clutches her chest.
When she tunes, she doesn't play, instead
her lips touch its place and she breathes
as if the gold will melt (beautiful line)
when she plays forte con passione.

Leggero now....

No one can match the way her breasts move
en sposina
with each breath she takes
as she sings sweetly on silver. (the precious metal refrences are nice)
Even the brass quiet as she begins her solo--
the clarinet squeak is unnoticed.

Pianissimo crescendo a forte
The gold doesn't melt, but (not so fond of this line)
her face lights up as if music has
ignited her soul.

Tu canta dolcemente, mia amore. (sweetness)

Hi! I thought this was a very good poem. It was very descriptive and you used pretty language. I'm an oboeist (is that what it's called? Oboeist sounds funny). We have tons of flutists in our band. They sound very pretty!

PS: I didn't really understand parts like leggero and en sposina.

LOVE IT case I'm a flute player!

Ah, the conceited flautist. Give me that clarinet squeak any day.

I don't really have much of a critique for you: there are probably little nitpicks of rhythm or language I could find if I looked really hard, but I like this too much to abuse it The tension between knowing she is admired and truly shining in the spotlight is... interesting. Keep it up, m'dear, you've got truckloads of talent.

This has to be one of the best things I've read on YWS for a while, seriously!
I am a musician, and I loved how you used the musical terms.
This was really beautiful.

Snoink wrote:Pianissimo crescendo a forte
The gold doesn't melt, but
her face lights up as if music has
ignited her soul.

I forgot not all people were musicians. Oh well!

Leggero = lightly

sposina = a light bridal dance

And yeah... thanks for all the comments so far!

You know she's a flutist

Pianissimo crescendo a forte
The gold doesn't melt, but
her face lights up as if music has
ignited her soul.

Tu canta dolcemente, mia amore.

Leggero now....

No one can match the way her breasts move
en sposina
with each breath she takes
as she sings sweetly on silver.
Even the brass quiet as she begins her solo--
the clarinet squeak is unnoticed

Ello Its SCL or simoncowellluver whatever you wanna call me. Ok you got a good thing going on here but you have some mistakes.
Let me start with what is "Leggero?"
I don't even think "en sposina" is even a language. LOL
Alright back to business. after "move" ypou need a comma and after "en sposina" you need a period.
I think "unnoticed" is spelled wrong but i can be wrong. It just don't look right to me.

After "unnoticed" you need a period.

Oh I forgot one after "takes" you need a comma.



Pianissimo crescendo a forte need a period.
The gold doesn't melt,
her face lights up as if music has you need a period here.
ignited her soul.

I like your poem got some few mistakes though Good luck with your writing.
If you have any questions feel free to PM me anytime.
Good day
SCL/SimonCowellLuver

Oh lovely! Hooray flutes! Great use of musical terms in there, though I haven't even heard of half of them. XD The only thing I think would sound better would change the line to, "as she sweetly sings on silver." It just sounds better. Great piece. Now I want to write one about my oboe... but knowing how an oboe sounds like, my poem would end up sounding like a dying duck apparently. Haha!

I really enjoyed this piece Snoink! This is awesome and I hope that you'll be writing more sbout this! This was pretty unique and mysterious as it left me hanging to every word! Keep it up! 0(o.o)0