Whoever taught you how to dance?
Your posture is a disgrace!
Standing there with your feet to the floor
you might be a statue with clammy hands
(and a rose in your teeth)
waiting, waiting for the music to start
and overpower the throbbing of your nervous heart
as it digs ever-deeper into your chest.
Are you afraid of the first step?
The ballroom is clear, the lights are on, and we,
we are waiting. Already I can feel your sole
crush my little toe and you haven't moved an inch
and I don't think you will. You are too busy
watching the room, waiting for God to come
and shine His light so that the chandelier fades and
we become angels in sticky hot clothes
waiting for the end to start.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
This poem is good and powerful! Sorry if my skills for criticizing aren't really good. I barely review another person's work with lots of words, like I almost everyone here does. Anyways, I just need to review so that I can save up points, no offense. But, I really liked this piece.
Here's the only thing I noticed that seemed wrong:
Didn't you mean, "Standing there with your feet on the floor"?
It's all right, though, it bothers me.
Keep up the good work!
The first stanza felt strong, like a critisizing instructor of some sort, but after that...
"as it digs ever-deeper into your chest.
Are you afraid of the first step?"
I feel like this is phrased... weakly? You have such a visual sense of everything in this poem, and then, in this mushy middle, you switch to inner emotions. I don't knowww.
"The ballroom is clear, the lights are on, and we,
we are waiting. "
Too much like an encouraging parent right there, in my opinion.
But I LOVE the ending. Fierce. Just make the entire thing fierce.
I really liked it, thought it was very expressive and very interesting. you should write more
Hey, Snoink! :] I'ma review your piece now.
Right at the beginning here I love how strong your voice is.
It's great how you put "and a rose in your teeth" in parentheses, it adds a tone that seems like...maybe scoffing? Forgive me if I'm interpreting it wrongly. Great imagery, with the whole "statue with clammy hands" thing.
This was my favorite little section, except for the first line. The next two were really exciting and interesting, but "waiting, waiting for the music to start" was comparatively bland. *Being mean.* :/
The tension is rising!
That was surprising, I thought the narrator was viewing the dance from the audience but they're actually the dance partner? The first time I read it as "soul" rather than "sole". Nice word-play. :]
Powerful ending. I don't know if you meant not to have a comma after "sticky" and before "hot" or if you did that purposely.
At first this gave me the impression of being another break-down of how not to dance, some sort of angry rant given by a real dancer. Now I see it actually goes a little deeper. Of course, that could just be my opinion. At any rate, your vocabulary is great and your voice is very clear throughout the whole thing, though I would definitely had liked to see more! :] This has...dare I say it? Personality. Nothing wrong grammatically, as far as I can tell, so sorry I couldn't have been more helpful!
Keep it up!
--- James