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A Body Shot

by Snoink


You can see him in the shady bar,
leaning over the woman with Corona on her breath.
She's sprawled on the table, shirt gone,
arms folded under her head and when he comes, she gasps
her back arching as her teeth bite into lime.
A nervous giggle comes from the crowd as he reaches for
the zipper of her too-tight jeans. On her crotch is a
dragon--its wings stretched wide and its eyes desperate,
as if it wants to fly away. The man ignores the dragon's pleas
and settles down, his chin resting just below as she
shivers and squirms under his breath, her face twisted in surprise.
He pours the salt on her breast, the tequila in her navel,
and waits for it to drown the dragon and dribble into his mouth.
And then the shot. With one motion, he moves up her.
The tequila, salt, lime are gone. And then

nothing..........................................................................................

The woman gets up, the man staggers off,
and they can't look each other in the face--
not without feeling the alcohol warm their cheeks
or the crowd's laughter burn their ears.
Another woman strips off her shirt,
while the forgotten couple moves away for more beer,
desperate to drown themselves
in the hot summer sun.


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Sun Jul 31, 2011 8:26 pm
Demoness wrote a review...



This is me, Demoness! I've come to give you my opinion on the piece you've written here :)

Haha, I've never read a poem on a topic like this and I must say it was very well written and really captured moment! You've got some great imagery and descriptions, even though you dropped some of it at the end but wellwell, that's a nitpik. However I could really see the whole scene play out and that's what matters! NICE! AWESOME! GREAT! LOVELY!

Great Work & Keep Writing

// Hugs and Hearts from Demoness




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Sun Jul 31, 2011 3:15 pm
DukeofWonderland says...



There was adragon and a stripper and a man on the stripper and a shot and they moved away but who died? The dragon?
So I didn't get your poem. The beginnig had a lot of description and the ending seemed to have too less. Hope I get it next time:)




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Thu Mar 17, 2011 3:39 pm
greg925 says...



Man, this was good. Way to show the emotional shame of defacing dignity for brief pleasure. I also like the way you showed it from both the woman and the man's point of view. Very good poem.




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Fri Oct 08, 2010 7:26 am
SohpieeRose wrote a review...



I rather like this aswell, you can kinda picture what happening although it does kind of get a bit confusing in some parts, like wear the man is on the girls body.



Still, I find your work very intreging ( I have no clue how to spell that word hahaa) very interesting :)




Keep going with the good work
Sophiee-Rose




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Tue Oct 05, 2010 8:56 pm
sicklee wrote a review...



This is gorgeous! The imagery is luscious but still captures a lot of emotion. The dragon bit is my favorite part - it's really the heart of the poem. I agree with Navita regarding the "nothing........" - I thought it was a bit of a cop-out, to be honest. But overall, I really love this. It's difficult to write a sexual poem without your readers being distracted by the sexuality and missing the meaning of the poem - props to you!




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Mon Jun 28, 2010 5:51 am
AutumnSun wrote a review...



I had to read that twice. I almost missed the double meaning. I feel like the dragon was a symbol for something. I like how this story is so obvious but at the same time, maybe not. It was not hard to get into the story. I think it's bold! I don't normally read poems like that but it's good.




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Mon Jun 28, 2010 5:10 am
Thefadedphotograph says...



I liked it. eight out of ten. I take two off because I didn't really understand to much of what was going on. Good job though. Keep going with it. :D




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Mon Jun 28, 2010 5:05 am
HarmonyGirl2012 wrote a review...



I thought this was great. The title caught my attention because it made me curious to know what your poem was about. All in all, the poem was great because you gave the reader some kind of picture, but also left them wondering and tense. I thought it was well put together and very interesting. Nice work :)




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Sun Apr 18, 2010 5:29 am
Navita wrote a review...



So...I wondered who would dare review this since you've put it up. Firstly, because it was the amazing, the one-and-only Snoink, and secondly, because of the content. What rating is this, by the way? (*raises her eyebrows cheekily*) Also - I don't really think I'd be 'qualified,' ahem, to review this, but I'll lend you my thoughts, anyway.

Certainly, the title was intriguing, and the double meaning intended - I almost missed it the first time I read this - and then, I thought: that was clever. :P

Overall, it's a snapshot scene of sex in a bar, referred to as 'A Body Shot', with a first impression of...well...creating an atmosphere of a bar, of course, and sexual intimacy, which I think you pulled off well -

She's sprawled on the table, shirt gone,
arms folded under her head and when he comes, she gasps
her back arching as her teeth bite into lime.


This was made all the more interesting with the sensation of 'taste' snuck in there - lime, salt, tequila - although, I have to admit, I couldn't tell whether this was literally or figuratively. Somehow it made it seem...raw and more vivid, along with the clear and concise description used throughout - and I think the ambiguity of whether it was figurative or literal actually works to your advantage here in giving it an 'edge' of mystery as well.

On her crotch is a
dragon--its wings stretched wide and its eyes desperate,
as if it wants to fly away.


Actually, I'm still wondering what the significance of the dragon is...it certainly sounds like the dragon doesn't want to be there (it is a tattoo, right? or is it another one of those ambiguous I-could-be-literal-or-I-could-be-metaphorical-mystery things?) - but this is kind of confusing, since the woman seems willing from the way you've described it at the start ('shirt gone, arms folded under her head' - a very relaxed posture, not at all as if she's being forced). So, if the dragon is not a personification of the woman's will, then what is it a personificiation of? Sounds like it could be her conflicting desires, actually, especially when coupled with the line: 'her face twisted in surprise.' And it seems like the man has done a good job of squashing her conflicting desire to escape, from the line: 'drown the dragon'.

And then

nothing..........................................................................................


This was dead; this didn't speak to me - I felt, well, I felt nothing when I read this, and it didn't jump out at me as a particularly innovative way of describing the feeling of 'nothing' - as weird as that sounds. It's kind of like there was this huge, drumbeat roll in everything that happens leading up to it, and then everything just falls flat on that one word; it collapsed, and, quite frankly, I was feeling rather uninterested at that point in time.

not without feeling the alcohol warm their cheeks
or the crowd's laughter burn their ears.


I really didn't think this was needed. You've already said 'they can't look each other in the face,' and the whole embarrassment of it is perfectly encapsulated in that one line. This above quote was a bit of a tack-on for me - I understood exactly what you meant from before, without it being there.

while the forgotten couple moves away for more beer,
desperate to drown themselves
in the hot summer sun.


Okay, truth be told, I didn't exactly understand this bit, either - but I'll see what I can figure out as I go along (I love a good bit of brain-exxercise). What's the significance of them moving away 'for more beer'? Is it like a 'physical shot vs a sexual one' - is this what you're trying to make clearer? Like, the fact that they will get drunk now (physical shot) to try and momentarily forget what they just did (the body shot)?

I got the part about them 'drowning themselves' (by the way, have you intentionally used the word 'drown' twice in this?) - but why the 'hot summer sun'? I don't know - I was just under the impression that this whole incident occurred at night (possibly because you opened the poem with the line: 'You can see him in the shady bar.'). But if you are going on the age-old 'dark vs light' concept here - as in the fact that it is 'dark, shady, evil' inside the bar and 'light, sunny, honest' outside the bar - then, I will conclude that they are trying to 'cleanse themselves' in the light. However, then that 'moves away for more beer' doesn't make much sense, because that's like trying to forget what they've done. Or...are they doing both - trying to forget and trying to 'cleanse'? (I use the word 'cleanse,' because you've said: ''drown' themselves in the hot summer sun,' which sounds like the sun is also like the 'water'...maybe I'm over-complicating everything :().

So, it ends on a note of extreme embarrassment, and a bit of guilt, and 'desperation,' I guess. What was the overall intention? Was it the age-old idea of doing things publicly on impulse that you'll later regret?

Anyway, that was just a random attempt at dissection - I'm not sure how useful you'll find it, but I thought I should write something anyway, just because the poem was looking a little lonely without any comments. Plus, I did think it was reasonably well-written, even if not exactly to my usual taste. You've got me all-curious now, and wondering what all your hidden symbols and metaphors meant...so well done on inciting a bit of intellectual curiosity, too. :D The poem definitely had impact, which is what counts, even if I can't figure out all the sneaky-little-mind-boggling-things in there. Yet.




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Sun Apr 18, 2010 5:18 am
inkwell wrote a review...



Oh my god! This is a breathtaking poem.

Your story telling is top notch. The anonymous drunken couple kept me so entertained. Your daring depiction of the events that took place made it so much more thrilling. I love the dragon tattoo and its personification, it really adds a touch of creativity. Excellent use of punctuation to pace the brief scene. Great conclusion that sort of implies a cycle of these anonymous lovers and subtle regret afterwards.

Personally, I loved it. I can't think of a negative criticism for you. :)





Writing is my soul made tangible on paper.
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