Young Writers Society

The first stanza seems out of place with the rest of the poem. It is a very interesting piece of work though, keep it up!

Hi Snoink.
this is an interesting piece, It's a interesting way to write about a break up.
The first stanza was a bit out of touch with the rest of the poem.
The last stanza is my favorite. It is a really nice way to end it.
The flow in this is perfect, it's very solid.
All in all it is very good.

Hi Snoink.

I really enjoyed this, but what else is new?

It starts well. I love the ominous sense which the first line creates. I love;
"it slunk past the forest,
frost hanging from its breath".
I'd change "pointed" because I think "pointed teeth" is a little tired. I love the description of the trees, and think the repetition of the "I heard"s is very effective.

I love the summertime, sands and skirts, and the alliteration adds to the story. I'd cut;
"as you breathe in deeper"
because I don't think it adds anything.

I love;
""It is over," you say. There are no tears, only pain,
and when you spread your hand, the zanbaq flies,
the wind tearing off the petals, one by one,".
The quotation really adds to it and the imagery is great.

"desert eats the flower." is very strange but I think it works really well.

I'd put a comma after "instead" instead of a full-stop.

I think;
"For with each tear that fell, another zanbaq sprang up "
is a tad too long.

I love;
"until the desert throbbed with a million lilies". "Throbbed" works really well.

I'm not sure about the reference to the heart. I think it would be more powerful if you used something like brain or blood or gut or mind or something like that.

The final stanza is amazing, so beautiful, perfectly worded.

A pleasure, as always.

Jas

Wow I liked that. It was sort of confusing though, but I guess it wasn't really supposed to make sense. It seemed to me that this was a very symbolice piece.The flow of the poem seemed a bit broken in some areas, though, like here:

"and I heard all."

"I heard all and wept,"

I sort of seemed to shift rythms so that it was a different kind of poem every few lines. I don't know if you meant to do that, though.
Thanks for the poem and goodbye!

Hi Snoink! I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be your reviewer for today.

So, I know you showed me this poem earlier, and were all asking me about it. So I thought I would just pop in and comment on it, cause that's how I roll.

It's a very solid piece. Everything flows together and is pleasing to say, for the most part.

I heard it all and wept,