The winter came in cold today--
it slunk past the forest,
frost hanging from its breath,
and tore off all the red
with pointed teeth.
Naked, the trees cried out
and I heard all.
Crouching in the glen, snow to my knees,
I heard it all and wept,
my tears clinging to my
frostbitten cheeks.
Yet in my dreams, you hold a zanbaq,
pressing it close so the soft petals tickle
your nose. It is summertime and the sands are billowing
past your skirts as you breathe in deeper.
"It is over," you say. There are no tears, only pain,
and when you spread your hand, the zanbaq flies,
the wind tearing off the petals, one by one,
until the desert eats the flower.
You turned away and hid your face, but
I wished you looked out instead.
For with each tear that fell, another zanbaq sprouted
until the desert throbbed with a million lilies
and even the sweeping sands couldn't stop
their dancing, or keep their fragrance
from my heart.
And here in winter, surrounded by white,
I can still see their ghosts dance,
glistening in the desert sun.
Author's note: "zanbaq" is Arabic for lily.
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
The first stanza seems out of place with the rest of the poem. It is a very interesting piece of work though, keep it up!
Hi Snoink.
this is an interesting piece, It's a interesting way to write about a break up.
The first stanza was a bit out of touch with the rest of the poem.
The last stanza is my favorite. It is a really nice way to end it.
The flow in this is perfect, it's very solid.
All in all it is very good.
Hi Snoink.
I really enjoyed this, but what else is new?
It starts well. I love the ominous sense which the first line creates. I love;
"it slunk past the forest,
frost hanging from its breath".
I'd change "pointed" because I think "pointed teeth" is a little tired. I love the description of the trees, and think the repetition of the "I heard"s is very effective.
I love the summertime, sands and skirts, and the alliteration adds to the story. I'd cut;
"as you breathe in deeper"
because I don't think it adds anything.
I love;
""It is over," you say. There are no tears, only pain,
and when you spread your hand, the zanbaq flies,
the wind tearing off the petals, one by one,".
The quotation really adds to it and the imagery is great.
"desert eats the flower." is very strange but I think it works really well.
I'd put a comma after "instead" instead of a full-stop.
I think;
"For with each tear that fell, another zanbaq sprang up "
is a tad too long.
I love;
"until the desert throbbed with a million lilies". "Throbbed" works really well.
I'm not sure about the reference to the heart. I think it would be more powerful if you used something like brain or blood or gut or mind or something like that.
The final stanza is amazing, so beautiful, perfectly worded.
A pleasure, as always.
Jas
Wow I liked that. It was sort of confusing though, but I guess it wasn't really supposed to make sense. It seemed to me that this was a very symbolice piece.The flow of the poem seemed a bit broken in some areas, though, like here:
"and I heard all."
"I heard all and wept,"
I sort of seemed to shift rythms so that it was a different kind of poem every few lines. I don't know if you meant to do that, though.
Thanks for the poem and goodbye!
Hi Snoink! I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be your reviewer for today.
So, I know you showed me this poem earlier, and were all asking me about it. So I thought I would just pop in and comment on it, cause that's how I roll.
It's a very solid piece. Everything flows together and is pleasing to say, for the most part.
I would add that little "it" in there, just to fix up the flow. Or possibly "everything". But that's just a minor gripe on my part.
You keep the angst down, even though this poem has the potential to have a ton of it. Bravo for that. This actually manages to deal with a very sad subject without getting self-absorbed in it.
That's about all that I've got to say. Superb work. You just need to tighten it up here and there.
Good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice