You know I’m no great poet
Who can weave words around
Meanings, so beautiful and poignant.
But just for you I decided
To find a metaphor
For love.
At first I thought of
Cupid and his little arrows
Darting in and out a lover’s heart
With a twang of a string and a swish
But then I thought better
For how does love
Ever make one hole-y?
No.
Love is a lake which stretches forth
Into infinity
Its refreshing blue waters
Which taste so sweet
Beckon for those to come in.
So you craft a boat and make it
Strong, durable, and lasting
Until finally stepping forth
To sail.
At first, the lake is calm
And the wind soft
Bringing sweet fragrances
Of fresh wildflowers and honey.
And the sunshine is comforting,
As it rubs your back
With a paternal air.
Paradise.
But then something happens
The sun is covered up
And the wind begins to stir
At first a small dissent
And then a roar of noise!
And it whips the waves up
Higher and higher
Until you can barely
Hold on.
And just as you’ve lost all hope
CRACK!
The craft splits
Setting you between
The wrath of the heavens
And the endless depths of the waters
Until finally the waves swallow you up
And you are left
Helpless.
But you needn’t be afraid
Of dying
No, you needn’t despair at all.
For instead of death
You are being wrapped up
Into the arms of love.
Argh... emphasis on the first three lines of the poem.
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The stuff I have underlined are the things I felt were powerful and I liked. Especially the "hole-y" part it made me chuckle.
The things that I have put in italic are the characters/words I don't feel you need in there, they kind of have no meaning and without them the sentences still flow.
I think it was a wonderful piece.
Well done xxxxxxooooxxxxxoooooxxxxx
Awesome Snoink. A deserving tribute to our wonderful Sam!!!!!
im very new at this and i only joined like...now, so i dont really know whats right or wrong. or what poeple are looking for in your writing, bu i thought it was pretty good
i liked the last but one stanza.
I found this from the link in Crysi's blog, so I really have no desire to criticize anything about it.
It was pretty. I think we all like the thought of being wrapped up in love every so often. Thanks for the read, Snoink.
*hugs*
Thank you Snoink. That was beautiful. It sincerely brought tears to my eyes.
I have nothing else to say.
But thank you, again.
I really liked your metaphor of being on the boat of love and how the storm seems so split you apart, but you are still loved. It was so true and beautiful. I must say I thought one false solution was enough, but that is just my preferences.
This was one of the few parts that bugged me. 'of fresh wildflowers and honey and the sunshine is comforting.' In sentences form, this is how those two lines would appear. There are one too many and's here for my taste. I suggest omitting the 2nd 'and' so it reads, '... of fresh wildflowers and honey. The sunshine is comforting...'
Again, too many 'and's; it makes it sound awkward. With the 'and' in the 3rd line, it would appear you are still building the sound instead of beginning a line of the effects of the wind, so I suggest omitting that 3rd 'and' and just saying 'it whips the waves up.'
Besides those two things, I loved this.
Gotta be my favorite lines.
Beautifully done, good job, Snoink!
Heh, I liked this.
Magical.
Hole-y.
Cute
This sounded oddly romantic... I liekd it though.
I like weird things.
I like odd things.
I like hole-y things.
I would have to check on said, "last poem," to be able to confirm Gum's belief's, but I liked this a lot.
okay, offer more false solutions to the metaphor besides the cupid thing. it seemed too...ehh...like an essay with only two paragraphs or something. i liked the fact you said "no"... you were very honest, and this has certainly improved a hell of a lot since your last poem that i read of yours...