Take my words and
twist them around your body,
a tutu for your naked flesh,
and spin around, your toe
grinding into my brain
as you leap
from your perfect attitude en pointe.
Ignore me--I am only the pit musician
with too many broken reeds
who, when Beauty tumbles from my lungs,
can only gasp, my fingers curving around
silver keys, watching my muse
snatched away from my soul
only to become
your dance.
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Because the metaphors support the main idea of the poem?
Haha hilarious. "a tutu for your naked flesh"...genius.
However, Snoink, there is a MAJOR, MAJOR problem. A problem that can only be solved with the help of... the metaphormeister!
METAPHORMEISTER:
This key in the park is a cluttered sky of metaphor soups.
Basically, what the Metaphormeister is saying is that you have WAY too many metaphores blended, mixed, and jumbled up together, so now instead of one, concrete poem, we have fourteen.
Take my words (GRAB them) and
twist them (TWIST them) around your body,
a tutu (FINE, this one's related with the other ones.)for your naked flesh,
and spin around, your toe
grinding into my brain (I think this is a metaphor too. Otherwise, yuck.)
as you leap
from your perfect attitude en pointe. (Leap, not literally, especially when you are tiptoeing on somebody's brains.)
Ignore me--I am only the pit musician
with too many broken reeds
who, when Beauty tumbles from my lungs,
can only gasp, my fingers curving around
silver keys, watching my muse
snatched away from my soul
only to become
your dance.
SIMPLIFY. Please. You got so many beautiful metaphors in here, why show them all off in one poem? It's anyways not going to be good with so many metaphors. One of the biggest mistakes poets and authors make is they take a metaphor, and instead of opening it, stretching it into a beauiful canvas, they use it as a tissue.
IMO, the best metaphor is the tutu. Stick with it.
This flows so beautifully! A truly wonderful work of art--how you have the musician and the dancer.
I got a nice image of one. Really love the broken reeds line. I can certainly relate to that.
Muaha, you're a clarinet player, aren't you Snoink?
In any case, I think I know what's going on in this poem. I'm not going to say though, because I'll most likely just end up being completely wrong and killing it.
I liked this poem. It was creative and original. A little "emo" for my taste, but it expresses emotion in a way where the reader can feel what you're feeling, and interpret their own meaning.
Nifty way to put those words together. I showed it to my sister and she liked it too(she's a dancer). Interesting, plain and simple.
Very nice.
A little hard to understand at first but then becomes completley clear.
I LOVE IT
Humm...interesting poem. Nice work on it.
i like it...it has alot of metaphors and keeps the reader interested! great job!
Beautiful...
Yes. ^_^
Nice
Just one thing...
The first stanza is saying Take my words...
but the second is saying the opposite...Ignore me.
Was this intentional?
Otherwise it's a beautiful poem
Well done
Peace V
Inky
I don't know what to say... Yet.
This is great, Snoink, really fresh and your imagery is striking. It flows very well as a whole. I love the weirdness of;
"a tutu for your naked flesh, "
and
"your toe
grinding into my brain"
is great.
I also love;
"Ignore me--I am only the pit musician
with too many broken reeds."
Though I might try;
"with one too many broken reeds."
Brillaint overall, Snoink. A pleasure to read.
Jas
Hey, Snoinkus!
Thought while I was on a poetry-critiquing kick, I'd stop by. I really do enjoy this poem. You took imagery from music/ballet, which people have done before, and twisted it slightly so that it's utterly unique. Which is quite cool, in my opinion.
Some of the phrasing was kind of awkward, due to the fact that the lines were rather long and had essentially no breaks (besides lines) in there.
Those were both lines that I thought were cool but you could live without. They both added considerable length the sentences, and...I'm rather a fan of simplicity. Keeping things to the point will help your metaphors come across in a streamlined fashion, and that, my dear Snoinkus, is what would make this utterly fabulous.
This is interesting. Im not sure i understand it though it must be said. First off, great imagery. It creates an almost uncomfortable tension which i love in poems. I disagree with yoha_ahoy and much prefer the second stanza though. It just seems the imagery is more...together, and the rhythm has a nicer flow to it. Also, Im not so sure i like the jump from words to music. Conceptually, it's a bit confusing (but then again, im easily confused). I like it because you seem to be trying something different, which is always nice to see around these parts.
But yeah sorry i cant be of much help, im sleepy. XD x
Ewwww... I love it! XDI love the first stanza, but the second one is hard to understand. Maybe it's meant to be that way? But it just doesn't make as much sense to me as the first one does. Brilliance though. I love these lines:
"a tutu for your naked flesh,
and spin around, your toe
grinding into my brain
as you leap
from your perfect attitude en pointe."
Wonderful Snoink! ^_^
~Yoyo
That is cool