Here as I’m pretty sure you demanded! This is maybe going to be a bit long, I’m still not sure what I’m going to say exactly. Your poem is basically sound. You have content, imagery, emotion and some good technique in there. You are, however, missing a couple of other things which prose writers often miss when writing some poetry.
You have all the basics, as I said. But I’m not feeling this poem at all. You have a narrative going on but it’s clearly a dramatic poem. Your narrator is talking directly to an individual and appealing to them for understanding. The appeal gets through, but personally, that’s the only thing running through for me at the moment. Your imagery is condensed but repetitive and it makes me feel like I’m getting a little bit of filler – or that you weren’t sure what you were writing until you were in the middle of it and understood. That doesn’t jive with the kind of content and voice you have going though, so I’ll assume that we’re just running on some rusty skills. I don’t feel any of the emotions from your poem that I think I ought to be feeling. I think that’s due to the very... proscriptive nature of the poem. There’s no room to move in this poem, not even in an imaginative sense. We’re told what we see and how we see it – how we’re meant to see it. I don’t believe in mystery in poetry being from missing events, but I do think that if you thinned this out some and gave us some room to breathe it would improve considerably. To expand:
We are looking at the stars, which have some good solid description. Nice things, seeing through the dust and the like. We’re not told colour or shape or anything, because we’re talking about stars and not the solar system, even though we move to dust and dirt – is this key? Are you suggesting that they also don’t see their stars so beautifully as we can. I feel like there’s a they, a people on planets much like ours, living like-lives and such.
But really what your poem is about is love. The universe is metaphorical, the stars are, because it’s really about your narrator’s love and his progression through humanity. I would consider melding this throughout the poem, rather than letting it sit bottom heavy. We’re pushing downward and suddenly drop, if you think of poems in physical terms. Weave more of a story here, even if it isn’t a narrative, we don’t need any more information but a little more integration of the two concepts. Love as space, infinite. You’ve titled this ‘Galaxy’ but I feel that’s misleading, as it isn’t related to the topic of your poem, but I’m not sure what would suit better.
Your ending is certainly cute, somewhat anti-climatic but I think that’s because you have a prose-tone and your poem feels like there should be much more to it. I feel like you’re leading us on. A harder end line would fix that, something with a strong crunch of finality. Losing some of the repetition though integration will help this, it’ll make your last line seem more unusual, more noticeable as an ending.
It’s a sweet poem that I think needs some basic editing. You could keep it the way it is without too much trouble, as it’s your voice and that’s what I’m having issues with.
In any case, tell me if you do change it, I’d like to see.
Also: Oh man I didn't check your reviews at all. Mesh has probably been way more helpful! I'm sorry!