Young Writers Society

I actually quite like this. This coming from a woman with whom rhymes do not sit well.

That said, this one line: "How could you, a man, crave" hits out at me, it just didn't flow like any of the rest did. I think it might be how it's separated, it jars when I say it- in my head - so I sort of lose the thread for the rest of the poem.

"Oh Love, my Lord, be brave
Ignore the world' cry
Go quickly to thy grave"

This is my favourite stanza. It flows well and sounds so sweet and so sinister all at once. It touches base well. I also like it as your ending. I think you did well there.

I don't mind the lack of punctuation as such - coz I see you do have it in some places - althought it would have been nice to see more.

Nice work, Curves. Nice work. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Em...woah. I love it. It reminded me of Plath's villanelles. I LOVE Plath.
The first thing I'd say is, where's the punctuation? Poor neglected punctuation, why are you so often forgotten? Ok...moment of insanity over.
I'd add an extra syllabyl in the first line of the second stanza. Maybe "grown" or "hard" or something to that effect before "man." I think the following line sounds funny with "crave", so I'd change it to "Facing Sir Death eye to eye." or any other one syllabyl word before "death".
I love the next three stanzas, especially "I wanted you to die."
I'd change the second line of the last stanza to say "Now does the world sigh?"
Other than that, I really enjoyed this, and you managed the format expertly.

Thank you for all your very excellent comments! They were very insightful and hopefully I'll be able to follow them.

Mad>> Ay! Someone else pointed out the forced rhyming of "knave" and... yep. I was hoping that someone else wouldn't see that either because I'm lazy, but... lol! I suppose I cannot be lazy. And you're right... the last cry really doesn't fit because "cry" is used up top. I think I shall replace it with a nicer word "sigh"?

Kitty>> Thanks! I pronounce "world" with two syllables... so it possibly sounds more rhymatic to me. Ah... don't we love different dialects of English! And eep... you seem to be gong in the same track as Fand, except nicer.

Fand>> Aha! Thanks for pointing that out. I was looking through some villanelles and I noticed how the lines A1 and A2 kept changing meanings throughout, but I obviously forgot to incorporate this in the poem. Oops. Thanks for pointing this out for me.

Well, if your aim was simply to create a functional villanelle, following all the rules, you succeeded. If, however, you were hoping to create a poem that had some sort of draw, you failed. I found this rather flat and repetitive--and I know that villanelles are supposed to be repetitive, but the repeating lines should have some sort of varying meaning. It shouldn't just be, "Oh, this line'll work as a comment at the end of every other stanza, so... good."

First off I'd like to say well done because I know how hard it can be to write a villanelle and you've done a really good job.

For me, the second line of the first stanza and the second line of the final stanza don't fit. How do you pronouce world? Only, I tend to pronounce it with just the one syllable so those two lines are out of beat when I read it and I think the imagery could have been stronger anyway.

The line 'How could you, a man, crave' isn't the best either. After the title of 'lord' we already know that this character is a man so you could use those two syllables for a little imagery. I know it's not a lot of room but with a little re-wording, I'm sure you could make that line better.

The first line of that final stanza seems a little forced too but then there's not a lot left that rhymes with 'brave' and the final two lines you've been building up to more than make up for it. Altogether a very difficult, well written poem. Keep up the good work!

I like the generally flow of the poem, I think that you've done well with the rhyme structure of the villanelle. The line "Oh Love, my Lord, be brave." doesn't always go well in some of the verses, it looks like a line which is hard to integrate into the poem. Well when I say always I suppose I'm really just thinking about the second verse, it doesn't sound quite right there.

"Perhaps I am a knave?"

For me, the knave sounds really forced. I don't know why really, it just doesn't fit in.

For us, you were a slave
And does the world cry?
Oh Love, my Lord, be brave
Go quickly to thy grave

The ending was nice. The "cry" at the end of the second line, I don't know about it. When you have so many lines similar I don't think that another one really helps.

Well, yea, I thought it was good. In a villanelle I wrote a month of two ago (it's on the site) I totally forgot the middle rhyme - and this is much better than the one I wrote . It has more depth.