Okay, we've talked about this, but I'm here to give you some hardcopy feedback. ^^
I like the idea and I find the allusion to Icarus,and the religious allusions to be wonderful. ^^ You do all that meaning stuff very well, and they slide into the poem without taking away from the overall feel of the words.
The problem, I think, is in the words themselves. You have no lyricism here. There are bits and pieces,yes:
"Icarus was but a myth--
We are the fallen angels."
In particular. But for the most part, it's all very literal. No room for pretty words, or beauty within the poem itself. I think to engage and connet properly with your reader you need to have some emotive words, some reason for the reader to connect and love what you're saying.To believe what you're saying, your message.
Again, I like this, but you need to give me a reason to connect. Some adjectives, description, rather than blank recital. I'm sure you can work it all out, you smart bunny you. But if you have any questions, just ask, and I'll be happy to explain what I mean.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Points: 1330
Reviews: 900
Donate