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Young Writers Society


12+

Unreal: Chapter One

by Horisun


I don’t think I was born knowing that I exist in a book. But I don’t know when I found out either.

I don’t know if this is the first chapter of my story, or the last page.

In fact, I don’t even know if I’m the main character.

I do know that I was given this power for a reason.

I do know that I’m the only one who’s lucid in this dream.

And I do know that I’m exhausted.

It hurts my brain when I try to think about it. Yet I don’t even know if I’m even the one thinking it. When every twitch of my finger is plotted out before me, it’s hard to know whether even my thoughts are my own.

As the bus comes to a halt in front of Green Lake Academy… A cliché name for a cliché school… I stand up and stretch, trying to ignore the flashes of plot in front of me.

I wince as I foresee Mr. Ben giving me a week long detention.

“Which homeroom are you in? Maybe you could show me around?”

I glance down at Miley, hating the fact that she was already growing on me, and hating the fact that I was hating that fact, because that anger probably wasn’t mine either.

I try not to think about that.

“Um, Ms. Julian.” I say, and she brightens.

“That’s great! I am too!”

Of course. My best friend is in the same class as me. How contrived.

I attempt a smile, as she stands, and shuffles out of her seat. “Maybe you can show me around!”

“Yeah- yes, of course.” I purposely allow a couple people to pass me, so I end up father down the line then her. Which is stupid, we’re going to be friends anyway.

She’ll sit next to me in class, Jessica will get angry at Miley for taking her seat, I’ll defend her, and she’ll say something about Mileys weight. Which, of course, is non existent, because I’m ninety percent sure this story was written by a nine year old.

I blink, and suddenly, I’m in Ms. Julians classroom.

Huh, that hasn’t happened before.

I look around the room, and see Miley chatting it up with Monica and George. Ms. Julian is sorting through her desk, and I can faintly hear Jessicas screechy laughter from the hallway.

I glance down in front of me, and see my journal. There’s a red book mark with blue string marking a page three fourths through the book. I stifle a gasp.

It’s a message from The Author.

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127 Reviews

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Reviews: 127

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Wed Sep 02, 2020 9:15 pm
mythh wrote a review...



Hey Horisun! I'm Myth/Grav and I'll be reviewing your chapter. Also, welcome to YWS, I hope you're having a good time here.

I didn't see much wrong with this chapter apart from the sorting of ideas and paragraphing. Let me get right into that.

I don’t think I was born knowing that I exist in a book. But I don’t know when I found out either.

I don’t know if this is the first chapter of my story, or the last page.

In fact, I don’t even know if I’m the main character.

I do know that I was given this power for a reason.

I do know that I’m the only one who’s lucid in this dream.

And I do know that I’m exhausted.

It hurts my brain when I try to think about it. Yet I don’t even know if I’m even the one thinking it. When every twitch of my finger is plotted out before me, it’s hard to know whether even my thoughts are my own.


I get that these are meant to be floating thoughts at the back of the head, but you can't leave so many related ideas in a cluster, especially when you're starting the chapter. It creates a lot of distress and confusion while reading. It would fit better in a single paragraph or at least, two separate paragraphs.

I think the flow of thoughts and dialogue was done rather well later in the chapter. You've got the tone right and it's all easy to picture. That's pretty much all I have to say since this was a short chapter. I look forward to reading your next.

Yours sincerely,
Myth

__|_|__

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Horisun says...


Thank you for the review!



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4102 Reviews

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Reviews: 4102

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Wed Sep 02, 2020 7:39 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Harry here to leave a review!!

First Impression: This sounds like a really cool idea here to just have the character know he is in a book right from the start. Its definitely leading to some really good humor and promises some pretty exciting possibilities. I think you've done a pretty good job with that format here to start the story. It was definitely very mysterious at the end and now I have to read whatever comes next.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I don’t think I was born knowing that I exist in a book. But I don’t know when I found out either.


This is a really interesting direction to be taking a story. The fourth wall is just not built in the first place. I really want to see where this one ends up going.

I don’t know if this is the first chapter of my story, or the last page.

In fact, I don’t even know if I’m the main character.

I do know that I was given this power for a reason.

I do know that I’m the only one who’s lucid in this dream.

And I do know that I’m exhausted.


Okay this rapid procession of one line paragraphs is a little too much I think. A couple of them do need the emphasis and that impact but when you put so many of these one line paragraphs they lose that impact and become a little hard to read.

I wince as I foresee Mr. Ben giving me a week long detention.


This is already sounding really awesome.

She’ll sit next to me in class, Jessica will get angry at Miley for taking her seat, I’ll defend her, and she’ll say something about Mileys weight. Which, of course, is non existent, because I’m ninety percent sure this story was written by a nine year old.


Self referential jokes for the win.

I glance down in front of me, and see my journal. There’s a red book mark with blue string marking a page three fourths through the book. I stifle a gasp.

It’s a message from The Author.


And that's quite a nice place to end things here. Definitely building a lot of mystery as to what that might mean for the story. Now I must know what happens next.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a pretty good start to a novel. It was pretty well done and I like the flow of this except that one tiny thing I mentioned regarding the overuse of one line paragraphs. Looking forward to reading more of this.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

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Horisun says...


Thanks for the review!



KateHardy says...


Your Welcome!!



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32 Reviews

Points: 61
Reviews: 32

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Wed Sep 02, 2020 6:21 am
EM8650 wrote a review...



Hi there.
After reading your creation i can successfully say that i love it. Your pacing in the actions of who i am assuming is the main character is very well done. The type of language that you use is in my opinion well suited. One minor suggestion that i have for you is that it would be great if you elaborated a little further on the main characters power that you mention at the beginning.
Overall you have done an amazing job!
I can't wait to read more of your work.




Horisun says...


Thank you for the review!:D




Poetry lies its way to the truth.
— John Ciardi