“i don’t like you very much!”
i don’t like you either.
we laughed on our backs, stomachs up in the air,
concrete streets below up, there on the sea wall,
giggling when the airplanes flew overhead.
when the tide had come all the way up to the massive stones,
little pellets of salty water landed on my cheeks, our lips,
it dripped its way into our throats.
the smells of fire roasted meat, and coals blazing
as chicken suckled and popped on the open flame,
ran rapid into the harsh sun stroking sky,
like smoke to a flair, a signal for help, burning, burning.
our feet were exposed to the breeze, blistered from the barnacles.
“if i kiss you, would you run away?”
i’m not sure. i’d like to think i wouldn’t.
think back to the morning fog, and the way the tide was still
low, and behold, ahah! slim silver fish and pinching crabs
“pick them up from their sides so they don’t hurt ya.”
ouch!
“we could run away you know. live out here
or on the islands out there in the sea.”
or in one of those abandoned forts. sarcastically.
i stared at her for a second, the way her nose fell,
her childhood lips sat tightly on top of one another,
her hair was strands of a fractured curtain in the sunset,
but not her eyes, for the falling sun was brighter.
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Thanks for sharing this poem so full of imagery and describing a special moment between two people. I like the playful way that they banter at the start by claiming playfully to dislike each other. It conveys the sense that they are kindred souls.
His question indicates that he hasn’t kissed her yet. Makes the reader wonder why. He speaks about running away which indicates an obstacle to their relationship. Are they both too young? Or is she too young?Are their families opposed due to social barriers? We aren’t told and no hint s provided. Only at the end are we informed that she is a child. Yet, is he also a child? They are described as isolated until the smell of roasting meat is mentioned. Then I imagined people cooking nearby.
Suggestions:
I sometimes found the lack of punctuation confusing.
“....on my cheeks, our lips,....” Why are her cheeks excluded?
In what way did her nose fall? I cannot form an image. Perhaps
“ ....the way that her nose slanted....” But that doesn’t convey a specific image either. Her nose needs to be compared to something in order to convey what is meant.
fire[-]roasted meat
"...suckled and popped,,,,"
“....sizzled and popped....” To suckle is to nurse from a tit. Chickens don’t do that. So I assumed you meant “sizzled”.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/suckle
[W]hen the tide....”
[T]he smells of....”
[“O]ur feet were....”
“[T]hink back to....”
I don’t understand what the last two lines mean.
Hullo EKK15! Cat here to review this lovely poem in the spirit of review day! Okay then, here we go!
“i don’t like you very much!”
First, let's go through your poem together (Anything in bold is my comments/suggestions/grammar help):
Spoiler
i don’t like you either.
we laughed on our backs, stomachs up in the air,
concrete streets below up (Did you mean 'us'? 'Below up' doesn't really make any sense), there on the sea wall,
giggling when the airplanes flew overhead.
when the tide had come all the way up to the massive stones,
little pellets of salty water landed on my cheeks, our lips, (Here I feel like it should be only 'my' or only 'our', switch between the two kinda ruins your flow a little bit)
it dripped its way into our throats.
the smells of fire roasted meat, and coals blazing
as chicken suckled and popped on the open flame,
ran rapid into the harsh sun stroking sky,
like smoke to a flair, a signal for help, burning, burning.
our feet were exposed to the breeze, blistered from the barnacles.
“if i kiss you, would you run away?”
i’m not sure. i’d like to think i wouldn’t.
think back to the morning fog, and the way the tide was still
low, and behold, ahah! (This reads easier as 'ah ha!') slim silver fish and pinching crabs
“pick them up from their sides so they don’t hurt ya.”
ouch! (Haha!)
“we could run away you know. live out here
or on the islands out there in the sea.”
or in one of those abandoned forts. sarcastically. (This is personally a bit of a weird line, but at the same time it's perfect if you know what I mean)
i stared at her for a second, the way her nose fell,
her childhood lips sat tightly on top of one another,
her hair was strands of a fractured curtain in the sunset, (Great imagery!)
but not her eyes, for the falling sun was brighter.
What I liked: I liked the way you described youth, and how I could relate to the activities you showed.
What to fix grammar/spelling wise: Nothing much!
Plot holes/confusing stuff: For a lot of the poem, you jumped around, and it messed with the story line and flow of your poem, so I would try to work on that.
Other random comments: I'm assuming the words in quotations are the girls, and the ones in italics are yours?
Well anyways, great poem! Good job and keep writing!
Hi there Ekk!
Ellie here to give you a review. I quite liked this. I liked the mood you conveyed here, the idea of yearning for youth and lost love when things were more exciting and we were all a little more adventurous. It's something I think anyone can relate to, and it's all done rather effectively.
At some points I was unsure as to what you were going for, structurally. It's certainly free verse, which is all fine, but there were points where it was a little prose-ish, like:
Not that poems have to have structure, but I felt there wasn't a consistency, so I was a little unsure as to what you were going for. As far as not capitalizing anything - This works in poems sometimes just fine, but mainly when they when the author is trying to convey a feeling or an idea. You're telling a story, so tell us a story. Use proper grammar - it won't take away from the artistry.
The end was a little bit confusing. I think I understood what you were going for, but the imagery was confusing and I was a little unsure of what you were trying to portray.
Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions.