Young Writers Society

Hi Ekk15 - lovely reflection on graduation, some of the stanzas and thoughts read as quite chopped apart where there doesn't seem to be continuous meaning going through each sentence or phrase. I'd suggest trying to read each sentence separately and see if it makes sense at that level.

For instance, these lines: " to be
the shades of pink in the evening
that soothes my best friend as we walk" don't quite make sense to me. Like there's some words missing.

I did like that you captured specific moments though! This made your poem feel more concrete.

While I wouldn't normally comment on capitalization, I'd suggest in a poem that starts out as being about "getting good grades" that it seems like a good one to use capital letters in, since the lower cased letters don't really add much, though the capital ones might make the individual sentences divide a bit more clearly.

The colors at the end were an interesting point of continuity, though the colors were a bit random, so I'm not sure if there was extra symbolism there that I missed or if they were really just random colors that went with the earlier points of the poem.

Overall, I took the meaning of the poem to be that the speaker is feeling nostalgic about their younger years as they approach graduation and are trying to assign meaning to their different memories.

Best of luck in editing! You've chosen a subject that many people can certainly relate to.

~alliyah

Hi! Manilla here for a review.

It's unique that you capture the essence of school through colors, but the overall meaning is hard to decipher. To be an exemplary student, do you have to pass with flying colors? And by flying colors, do you mean these experiences in pink, silver, blue, and yellow too? After you graduate, do you have to carry these experiences with you throughout life?

"to be a good student

and carry an “exemplary” in our backpacks"

"that soothes my best friend as we walk

back from the fields, after our first game



to hopefully celebrate a personal victory.

to be sitting on a torn up carpet,"

"
and one last picture with you, and one last picture of me,

before leaving, to remember all the moments not on a lens."

"to be the blue backs of our chairs,

for 129, 600 minutes, with sticking shirts. to be a"

"
to be everything important to you,



the evening shades of pink, the silver car,

the blue chairs, the yellow lunch box.



to be the pink, and the silver,

the blue, and the yellow."

I think you should capitalize at the start, but this is great. I think it pictures school very well.

This is an excellent poem, but could you capitalize the beginning of the sentences. It feels like a long, run-on sentence. Another suggestion is to make the stanzas longer (or connect some of the ones you already made.)

Hewo, its Jade coming back with another review!

So, I like what your doing here but there are some problems that maybe you could help with. I can tell that your trying to put in lots of imagery and I like that, but none of it really connects.

Also, when you say, "carry an “exemplary” in our backpacks." Could you help me understand here? The definition of 'exemplary' is "serving as a desirable model; representing the best of its kind"
I think I get what you are trying to say but, it doesn't fit well. Perhaps you should say, "to be a good student and trying to be an exemplary student."? It is just a mere suggestion.

Also, when you say, "at all times we leave our houses. to be
the shades of pink in the evening." It's a suggestion but I believe you should possibly change it to, "Always leaving our houses to emerge into pink shades of evening."

On the next line, perhaps to make it run smoother, say "Soothing my best friend as we walk back from the fields."

On the 6th stanza say, " One last picture of you and one last picture of me, before leaving so we might remember moments not captured on a lens."

One last thing, on each stanza, you have a piece of the next section and then you separate. Is this for a particular purpose?

I'm sorry if you feel as though I'm attacking your poem,, I really do like it.
I would love to see more writing from you!