Is it wrong to miss
the way my hair picked up traces of the dust,
just as my pants had dirt embedded into their fibers,
when the air was dry and the wind wild?
Or, how about the way
my foot slid just a little bit when
the ground was too loose for proper footing,
and how running on that made me feel like flying?
We’d always watched the planes take off behind us,
there was never a week without an airport.
Their take offs filled in the space between our motions,
our action.
Smells would vary,
but there was always the essence of car seats covered
in a thin film of sand-like dirt,
baking in the sun, and our skin burning,
sweat colagulating from our scalps down.
It’s impossible to forget the smell of blue sports drinks,
oddly bitter, with electrolytes and false flavor.
When you mixed them with the salt of sunflower seed shells,
your mouth felt like it had been deprived of all liquid.
I’d like to be able to go back there one day,
but not to the hundreds of places specifically.
Back to the sun, the grass that was torn up by our cleats,
and the friendships, late night campfires,
games too early to be humanly possible,
car rides where drifting off to sleep was expected,
and heartache, smiles, laughter, a coach that kicked over a bucket,
a few years eaten up by nostalgia.
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Canary word: Present
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Radrook here to review.
Thanks for sharing this poem concerning your unforgettable memories. Once more you have captured the essence of the nostalgia that we begin to experience as precious memories of good times gradually recede into the past and we begin to realize just how special they really were. The punctuation was fine and reading it was very easy and it flowed smoothly. The emotion of longing for the past was also very effectively expressed ad drew me right into the described scenario. Made me begin to recall some of my own special experiences actually.
Suggestions
Below are some suggestions which you might consider Please feel free top reject any that ypu don’t deem helpful.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
colagulating.... [coagulating] Meandering seems to be what you were aiming for.
....of the dust.... [of dust]
options
....my foot slid just a little bit when.... [foot slid slightly when] Economy of words and adds alliteration.
[....take-off....]
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/take--off
I’d like to be able to go back [to return] For word-economy and word-variety.
Hiya!
Temptress here to give a review. I'd like to first say that I enjoyed this poem a lot. I found it very interesting and it seemed very well written and thought out.
Now, I only have a few suggestions that are mainly my personal opinion. So if I offend you in any way I apologize in advance.
Onto the review. In my opinion, you could have used more periods instead of commas. To make more sentences, and maybe help the flow a little better. However it is not needed and is merely a suggestion.
The only other thing I noticed was the word "nostalgia" I'm not saying it is used incorrectly, but it may be hard for some readers to understand without a dictionary. However, it's not necessarily a bad thing, and it could help improve your readers vocabulary. I just thought I'd point this out.
I can't wait to read more of your works and keep up the good work.
Until next time!
~Temptress~