What Words Can't Explain

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

So, since you reviewed a work of mine (an old one, but you understand the courtesy), I'll go ahead and review one of yours! Delving right into this, I'm interested by your choice of deciding to use punctuation, yet not periods. Of course, I don't mind this because it's a stylistic choice and your choice to make, but it does affect the aesthetic of the poem as well as the reader's perception of the poem, even if you don't think it does, and that could be for better or for worse.

I’d start off with a thank you, for not leaving me in the dark,

the cold, the anxiety ridden house that will never be home,

for being a rock for my falling corpse to grab onto,

and a pulse to keep my heart from stopping

I have to say that I'm not much of a fan on how the flow in this poem is handled, and that opinion originates early on in the work--the first stanza. The first line is a little odd in its wording, I've found. The 'I'd start off' is particularly what threw me off here, since that is how the speaker starts off this poem.

It'd make more sense if 'I'd' ended up being changed to 'I'. Most of the issues that I have with this first stanza are more technical and focused on the aesthetic or the flow, you'll find. The 'thank you' in the first line could have a single set of quotation marks set around them as I did, since there's a sense of clarity added. The comma in the first line also isn't necessary there, so I suggest editing that out, but it's your choice there. I understand that you're attempting to use repetition in the second line, following up the first line's 'for not leaving me in the dark' with 'the cold' and 'the anxiety-ridden house that will never be home'.

I just wanted to note for that second usage of repetition, I believe it'd be more effective if you wrote 'anxiety ridden' as 'anxiety-ridden' and then, instead of 'that will never be home' you could use 'I can never call home' for a better flow. Those are just some suggestions, though. As for the two cases of repetition, perhaps consider adding 'for not leaving me in' behind 'the cold' and 'the anxiety-ridden house I will never call home' respectively. The last two lines are some that I found to be more effective, though, and they pay more attention to the flow of the poem.

The excess amount of commas after lines one through three in the first stanza is something that I'd consider fixing or playing around with, since your punctuation tends to get stale easily if you're just using the same over and over. I want you to consider adding periods to this poem, not because I have a bias towards poems that don't use them, but this poem in particular is one that I can see benefiting from this act since it'd give more of a sense of an ending instead of this drifting after the stanzas end. There are other places too that I would have considered adding them in for a stronger impact, though overall, it's your choice whether or not you want to use them or not.

.

I’d tell you I love you, I love you like family, like a sister,

who showed me what it means to love and care about another

to hold out a hand, extend a pair of arms, and heal a wound

that may not be visible from the outside

I didn't notice the repetition that comes in the later stanzas with 'I'd', but now I do see what you were trying to do with that. Apologies for the criticism on that aspect since reading it in whole, I see the repetition as something that could work if we knew the relationship between the speaker and this other person in the poem that the speaker is writing to. It seems as if this is a friend or someone who wasn't related to them, but it seems as if they were someone that the speaker is close to. And now, that person is seemingly gone.

Are they dead? Did they move away? Did they stop talking to the speaker for some specific reason? We never find out any of these details which is what makes this harder to relate to. We don't know who this other person is or why they're particularly important. Knowing them in relation to the speaker is crucial in understanding the poem. You don't even have to spell this information outright, either.

Context clues sprinkled in naturally to the work is your best bet here. Use subtlety in your favour so you don't have to yell this out to the reader. I'm partial to this second stanza and its simplicity, but it works in getting across what it needs to. That this person is one that the speaker cared for. One that affected the speaker in a positive manner. What I do enjoy here is the aspect of the last line where you mention healing a wound that may not be visible from the outside.

I wish that you expanded on that line, too, because it's effective and drags an emotion out of me that isn't always able to be awaken. That's the main problem, though--you don't flesh out on the ideas or images that you have that are strong. Instead of starting new ones, build on the ones that you've already established, because they're more likely to hold up or stand on their own if they're supported by some sort of claim or image used earlier in the poem.

I’d yell to you how I need you like air

to keep me breathing when it feels like I

could

stop

I've decided that this is my least favorite stanza of this poem. With that already established, we can now talk about why. I'm in the belief that the last two lines here aren't very effective since they tend to drift and lack an impact. This is also the stanza that is the most lacking when it comes to actual content, and it takes on more of a different tone. I'd suggest reworking this stanza if you're wanting to change any of them completely, because it's the weakest in terms of imagery and emotional impact for sure. Experiment around with this one and see what you come up with.

I’d find a way to share with you

what I see in all my favorite colors,

what I say in all my since forgotten letters,

and how you remind me of the sun's extended hands

touching my pale and vulnerable skin

So I'm more fond of this stanza and the second stanza because they both take more roots in imagery than the first and third do. Because of this, it's easier to connect to the poem, I've found. At the very same time, I found the ending to be a little abrupt? I didn't expect this to end in the way it did. It takes a sweeter turn that finishes off quickly and I'm not sure how much of an impact it leaves. It'd be more effective if as the reader we knew this other person more personally, or at least, if we knew who they were to the speaker and how they're now gone.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day. Keep writing and experimenting, and welcome to the site!