The daytime turns to dark too fast,
The joy you feel can never last.
The night takes time away too slowly,
The light inside your heart is lowly.
It feels like a weight sits on your chest,
Your heart does not know how to rest.
It bleeds, it burns, it aches with pain,
While the world around all seems sane.
You stand there scared in a little case
Everyone passes by you with the life they chase.
You’re trapped, you’re lost, you’re so confused,
Everytime you love, you just feel used.
At home they make you feel like the villian
The girl who believes in you says “you’re one in a million.”
They scream, they snicker, they shout,
The words are daggers that fly about.
“But here’s a promise I’ll make to you;
One day you’ll wake up and it will all be through.
You’ll look in the mirror and smile
Something you know you haven’t done in a while.
It’ll take some time, this is for sure,
Soon enough your heart will find a cure.”
I trust her words more than ever
I’m glad to know this is not forever.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Hello there!!
I am here to review this captivating piece your heart and mind poured out. Before anything else, I definitely liked the strength of your word choice and how your technique of expression pulled me to the situations written. The rhyme is amazing. The themes are wonderful! It made me ponder about my life and the choices presented before me.
Your words are powerful that I cannot stop reading this over and over again. Well, that is just proof that poetry is a great way of expressing one's perspective. I hope you will write more of these and enjoy the journey of getting lost in a deep pool of words.
I really like this. I feel like this sometimes, and I'm lucky enough to have a friend like the one in the poem. Everyone deserves someone like that.
As to the writing itself, I like the rhyming style. It feels like it shouldn't work, but it does. I do feel like the poem would have been better if you had spent a little more time on word choice- many of the words used could be replaced with other, smoother words.
All in all, it's an amazing poem. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for sharing. I like the rhyming and the story is very captivating. Very nice conclusion as well. The drama kept me reading. What impressed me most about the poem is that it mentions a female who loves the insomniac and consoles him until he believes that the suffering is temporary. In short, she provides him with hope. Having a female companion like that like that is a blessing not all of us enjoy.
Suggestion
It wasn't immediately clear to me who the "Ï" that suddenly began speaking was. I had to reread in order to tell that it is the girl. Writing it the following way would have helped me.
"But here's a promise I'll make to you," she tells me.
Punctuation
There are sentences that need periods.