There’s times when I can’t see you
Whether they be in my mind, or right in front of me,
Physically, able to be heard, touched.
But I don’t see you.
No way to remember how you talk and sing
Like waves creeping up on a shoreline,
Or a work boot grasping a gravel road.
I don’t like not being able to remember your eyes
They’re cup of coffee seaming in the morning,
Deep rooted earthy brown,
And how they look different when
The sun touches the world with gold.
But when I do see you, it's overwhelming.
I see you in the overlapping shadows of city buildings,
And the spots where the sun reflects from tiny windows.
I see you in the way guitar music sounds,
And the way good songs hit you right in the chest.
In the way people smile, between the gaps in their teeth,
And the way they hug one another:
That breaks my heart because I’m standing there by myself.
I see you in the way the leaves cover a spot on the side of the road
Where you pulled over that one night in May,
It was raining, I was shaking.
I see you in the sky on a mid-morning hike,
When I need to shut down, calm down,
In the trees when the leaves are red, orange, fired.
I see you in my words, way too often,
And that's ok because it keeps me going,
Without you I’d just stop, no more poems.
I see you in the beads on the bracelet you gave me,
The one I wear everyday so instead of looking at a mistake,
I remember why I chose to stop thinking that way, why I know to stop.
You’re there in the smell after it rains
And the citrus extracted and placed in shampoo,
The smell of baked bread and campfire smoke.
I see you in the way people look towards someone they love,
Brother, sister, cousin, grandparent, mother, father, uncle, aunt,
Friend, best friend.
When you aren’t right next to me, though that’d be ideal...always,
I see you in parts of the world where only keen eyes
Find the simplest bond, and the strongest sense of home.
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Thanks for sharing this wonderful poem which is a tribute to a loved one that is no longer present. There are two parts to this poem.
Part one:
This part describes the speaker as not liking the times he or she can’t see the loved one even when she or he is present. The second part describes the narrator as seeing him or her everywhere. These to parts seem to clash. The first part says she is alive:
Physically, able to be heard, touched.
Part Two
The second part gives the impression that the absence is due to death. It describes many things that remind the narrator of the one who is absent. Such as a leaf lying on the pavement, baked bread, citrus, the sky, the sun as it reflects off windows, the colors red and orange, the way people smile, campfire smoke. Some of these one can readily imagine as shared experiences such as going camping together, the baking of bread. All take on a special meaning when they have been shared the with someone special. The second part of the poem’s nostalgic tone conveys the deep longing and pain involved very well.
[ Suggestions
“....that's[OK]....
“....work[-] boot....”
“....[steaming] in the morning....”
That’s a cliche’
“....keeps me going[.]
Hello CorruptedArrow here to give you a review!Hopefully this will not take long.
"But when I do see you, it's overwhelming" I'm left to wonder how it's overwhelming. Does it hurt apart of your body? Does it Bring memories of bad times? Know that you leave the readers hanging with those kinds of sentences.
"I see you in the way guitar music sounds,
And the way good songs hit you right in the chest." The sentences can stand on their own there is no need for a comma.
"I see you in the way the leaves cover a spot on the side of the road
Where you pulled over that one night in May,
It was raining, I was shaking." There is no need for this many commas you only need one comma, unless you are trying to explain something.
"In the trees when the leaves are red, orange, fired." The last describing noun you used makes no sense in this sentence. Are the trees on fire?
"I see you in the way people look towards someone they love,
Brother, sister, cousin, grandparent, mother, father, uncle, aunt,
Friend, best friend." You capitalized Brother and Friend but not any of the other people.
You are good it's just a few things here and there that need help with but otherwise you are really good.